Crapshoot

i dont know if im in the right place, but i just wanted some advice. my life's kinda went to sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeéééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééé so basically there was a point where i moved into a new loyfe and didn't know anyone and basically due to low self-esteem at the time i befriended basically the people who i felt were "below me" and were basically the ugliest losers eva and i mean i enjoy anyone's company really if i'm at my full confidence because i'm really just hanging out with myself persay, but the people at least have to have a personality of their own and not be over cynical / "logical" POOPfucks and that's exactly the crowd these people were. i hate them but i feel i can be confident around them, so i've been stuck with them. and i have a dilemma because i also have alot of other people i'm "friends" with but i don't feel "worthy" to actually pursue friendship with them in hanging out even at lunch or afterschool... :\ so basically i've become a ballless individual through this process and i'm just trying to "knit some new knockers" if you will and grow a pear and just ******* pursue ma **** but yeah. another thing worth mentioning: there's this girl who's uber-confident who i've kinda been almost a "lost lover" with for the past 4 years and it's some bullpeppy 'cuz i randomly feel unworthy but we rekindle every 6 months. and basically i feel like maybe she's in the same boat as me, just having LITERAL backscrapers for friends. well maybe it's a bit different with her, she's actually popular and moreso is friends with "shy but wanting" people who basically just listen to her talk all day and are just like "yeah!" and support her and follow her ******* everywhere, i mean i can't even see her most of the time because she's covered in a MOUND of like 15 people just surrounding her like a ring of fire. but they don't ever really have a true 'conversation' with her, it's really just her. i remember a few years back we were sitting on a bench together and were actually talking REAL and we truly felt the same plight instead of a stream of subtle joke-conversations and i miss that. maybe she also, deep inside, feels the same way as me, in that it seems everyone just views us as disposable "entertainment" and don't feel any connection whatsoever? maybe if i started a relationship with her then we could almost fulfill this aspect of life and maybe i could start getting my life on track again instead of just hanging out with DEMONSLIMES 24/7? but at the same time my faltering self-confidence is crippling me... i just want to be confident again like i was those many years ago... i don't know... ;\ i don't even know why i'm posting this here, as if putting a blurry/imprecise snapshot of my problems on the internet will change anything. i need to just GET IT.