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Sat 4 Mar, 2017 02:24 pm
I need advice for confronting my crush YEARS later after breaking contact
The year was 2015, a guy around 18 years old. At this point I had been madly in love with a girl for 1 and 1/2 years. We had been pretty good friends for some time, which included going to the movies and having coffee together just the two of us but I had also suspected that she didn’t feel the same for me, which was pretty much confirmed when I eventually found out that she had been going on dates with other guys (including my best friend). I never blamed her for doing so, whether it was because she never noticed my affection or because I never had the bravery to confess, they were her feelings which I had no right to cross. I was heartbroken of course to get more and more signs of her lack of interest in me but I eventually decided to accept the fact that we were never gonna happen and that the best was to remain friends with my feelings deeply locked within my heart. However, I would later find myself weaker then I had ever thought.
There were many reasons for why I liked her so much, many of which spurned from my lack of genuinely received compassion from my fellow human beings. Whether other crushes or friends, I had never in my life felt truly appreciated. I could always do my best in creating and valuing my relationships with other people but in the end they would always choose themselves over me. Often when I needed them they were never there and once they found something that they considered a better alternative, they would abandon me instantly. I always had to fight to not only improve myself but also abandoning my own personality and way of expression my inner self in order to receive genuine human affection. No matter what, I always felt alone.
But not with this girl. We had barely anything in common and making conversation was always a challenge for me but I shall forever value those moments due to her genuine kindness. There were a couple of times were I noticed she might have had a hard time starting conversation or attempting to hang out with just me (without our mutual friends) but she never let herself hurt me. We always hanged and kept conversation going even if it was hard. I felt valued, I felt like I finally found someone that cared for me, even if it was to the detriment to themselves.
One time we went to a Christmas market together with our mutual friends, it was freezing and I didn’t have any gloves so my hands were stone cold. We all went to the nearby bonfire to warm our hands and for fun just felt each others hands to feel how cold or warm everyone was. When I touched her hand, it was so warm, a human warmth I had never felt. From that point on whenever we had something as simple as high-fives or farewell hugs, I would cherish those precious moments and cling to that heat whenever I could.
I had for a while noticed her difficulties with hanging out with me but I swore that I would always be the best friend that I possibly could be and would make sure she could be as comfortable with me as possible. A girl so genuine deserved that much.
And that’s when I started to feel guilty about my feelings for her. What kind of friend would I be if I lied to her every time I saw her? The guilt went on for months when I ultimately realized that I was to weak to keep it in. So I told her. After a walk together in the park, I expressed everything, in what she meant to me and how I wished for her to stay but that if she would wanna leave now I would fully understand and accept it.
She said it was fine. She told me that we could stay friends. I had never been more relieved in my life but at this point, I couldn’t tell if she was actually comfortable with the situation. I had been able to perceive her feelings before but not now. I decided that the best thing I could do was to be as good a friend as I could.
However, about a month later she texted me saying that she couldn’t see it working out and that she wanted to break contact. I was devastated and had my first real panic attack, which thankfully no one noticed even though I was on a bus. I lacked any heart to write back to her, not knowing what to say or how to make her happy. She eventually removed me as her friend on Facebook and she was gone. I was also about to start the worst year of my life.
You know how I mentioned my friends never really valuing me? Well that came into full force that same year. After the contact-break almost every friend I had abandoned me, either to them finding new friends, partners or deciding to break contact due to focus on studying or work. I was almost completely alone and the new people I tried socializing with treated me even worse, but that’s another matter entirely. At this point I would be left with nothing but the memories I had of my friends and, of course, the girl I loved. Remember that thing I mentioned about her warmth? It was at this point that I realized my addiction to it. At nights I could be laying in my bed and whether I wasn’t wearing anything or had twenty layers of clothing and blankets over me, I always felt cold. I would always imagine her laying next to me, feeling the same warmth again. Then I would realize that she wasn’t there, that it she would never appear next to me and I would then sleep colder and sadder then I ever had.
I developed a severe depression (which still lingers), my grades plummeted which almost lead me to not getting into the university I wanted to go to, I lost weight, even passed out multiple times due to lack of nutrition and ultimately became suicidal. Thankfully I never attempted anything but the thoughts were there constantly.
After about a year of depression I sought medical help, got some antidepressants and started going, by doctors recommendation, to the gym. I found myself as the person that had never stepped into a gym (even despising the gym life-style) and turned into the fulltime gym-guy who works out 10 hours a week and actually wants to get a job as a instructor to help/inspire other people to get fit, which hopefully includes depressed people like me that I can help conquer what I still can’t. I’ve fixed my diet, became supersexy~~ due to training and taking better care of myself, started to get better at the university and done all I can to improve myself.
It’s 2 years later now yet I’m still depressed, mainly due to the fact that even though I push myself to the max, the outside world and other people still treat me like garbage. My friend list has improved but is still almost nonexistent and my love life... is even worse. Still meeting girls that I like but never getting any affection back and none of them are even close to reach the level of warmth I got from my big crush. I’m 20, soon 21, still a virgin, never had a girlfriend and more alone then ever before. Whenever I lost hope, I would look back to the warm girl I loved and still do, to hold out until life would give me a chance for happiness.
That girl is still in my mind, haunting me and I could never figure out why until recently. I had thought that when she broke contact, she did it for my sake like she had always done. That it was for my very own best, to forget about her and find another girl. She clearly didn’t understand the consequences of her actions (neither did I for that matter) but I valued the intention rather then the result. However, I have seen her by accident multiple times nearby my local mall. I had always try to make eyecontact but I’ve never got anything back. About 2 weeks ago I saw her again, which lead into a minor panic attack and me failing to resist the urge to check her open Facebook page.
She has changed... a lot. I can’t tell for certain based on a Facebook page but she has become a lot more politically involved and intense, less warm then what I remember. Either she has a weird collage life/phase or this was her real persona all along. Did I never know the real her? This made me question a lot of my previous relationship with her and, ultimately, her reasoning behind breaking contact with me.
What has kept me going, believing in that I can find love and affection, that life is worth living, is the warmth that she gave me during my time with her and that when she did break contact, it was because she did it for MY sake (so I could be happy with someone who thought the same) instead of doing it for HER sake (so she didn’t have to bother about me. She was for the longest time the purest example and hope that wanted to find in a girl... what if that was all a lie? What if in reality she didn’t break contact for my sake, what if she never cared about me...
At this point in my life I can’t take anymore unanswered questions or destructive thoughts in my head. I’ve reached my breaking point, I can’t view life positively, I can’t see any hope, just a sadness that will never end. I want to be able to feel happy again and I can’t do that with this girl still leeching on my mind and heart. In order to do that, I would of course need to find actual love but at this stage, I have the debate of whether or not she cared for me in my head every day. I’ve never talked to her again due to me not wanting to make her feel bad or to make her life miserable... but I’ve never felt more lost then I have now. I need an answer, even if it’s something that won’t make me happy, I just want to make my life slightly clearer. But should I potentially risk her well-sake for mine when she (hopefully) cared so much for mine?
She lives about a 30 minute walk from here. I can go to her apartment, knock on the door and receive my answer at any time. But should I? I don’t know if this is a risk worth taking, hence why I’m here. Does anybody have any inkling of what I can do?
Yours truly,
Axel.
@Rathalicious,
Rathalicious wrote:
....... Does anybody have any inkling of what I can do?
Yours truly,
Axel.
Let it go, Axel. That's what I have more than an inkling of what you should do. And maybe get some therapy and find out why you care at all years after what was never a relationship.
In other words, stop stalking her on Facebook, delete her from your contacts and block her so you're not tempted to try anything, and move on with your life.
@jespah,
I feel like you totally missed my point. I HAVE tried to get her out of my mind, for 2 years! Yet she still lingers, it's not just about letting go.
And I do fully know why I want what I want, life has just dealt me a really bad hand. I have since long stopped looking at her Facebook and removed her from my contacts, it was only during my panic attack that I looked. I have also gone to two different therapists, but they weren't any help. (should probably have mentioned that in my first post, sorry about that).
But your answer isn't exactly an answer to my question. It's not about in whether or not I can let go, it's about whether I should confront her in order to let go, seeing as the passive option hasn't worked for these past years.
So no offense, but I feel like you barely even read what I wrote and, frankly, responded with quite an apathetic way of looking at my problem.
@Rathalicious,
Don't confront her. It's been a couple of years.
So (whether you think I've skimmed your post isn't the point; the advice still stands), you need to let it go.
And letting go isn't passive at all. I'm not so sure where you're getting that idea from.
Letting go means going out into the world and confronting it and talking to other people. Repeatedly, if necessary. You say you have not had a girlfriend and no one else seems to measure up. Well, those two things go pretty much hand in hand. Spoiler alert: most people are imperfect in some manner or another. And comparing them to someone you never dated is unfair to both you and them.
You are also at a time of your life where you can go out into the world with a lot more freedom in order to meet people, whether that is for school or work or just for fun. So go. You don't have to travel around the world but do get out of your town and see some fresh faces. You have been putting all of your eggs into this one basket.
Letting go isn't passive at all.
It's active. It's engaging your mind differently. It's having such a full, busy, and interesting life that you don't have the time to give a damn about confronting someone from years ago.
@jespah,
Well I mean passivity as in my situation in confronting her, as in not talking to her and just focusing on me.
And I do my absolute best to get as social as possible. Talking to people at the university, at the gym or at other social gatherings such as parties or conventions. And I have met some other girls, some of which have become crushes too but that eventually either ended in me losing the crush or that the crush lingered which lead to similar outcome of the girl that broke me. It's not that I'm actively try to keep that girl in my head, she sticks there because I haven't met anybody else similar.
Now there is some truth in what you are saying with the endless spiral of high standards and getting nowhere but I don't keep to that standard, I give the (few) girls that seem interested in more then a fair shot and I'm always the one pushing everything forward, never them. It's just that the constant failure that I get from everyone else makes her seem even better.
For all I can say about "let it go", I can't find anything that works as either socializing, finding something else or focusing on myself isn't working.
@Rathalicious,
Rathalicious wrote:
However, about a month later she texted me saying that she couldn’t see it working out and that she wanted to break contact
She eventually removed me as her friend on Facebook and she was gone.
Please leave her alone.
Have you talked to your therapists about your obsession with this woman?
Leave her alone.
Do what you can to avoid her in real life. If you know where she might be, stay away from those places.
Keep working on your mental and physical health. You need to clear the obsession from your mind. It is not her responsibility to help you with that.
@ehBeth,
I know very well why I have such an obsession, as stated in my first post. All of my life, whether friendly or in love, I've always been left on the sideline once my usefulness/potential was deemed irrelevant by the person that I'm trying to understand and know better. She was the only one who never did that, always took my feelings into aspect whenever she made a decision. I've never received genuinity on that level. The reason for why she's stuck in my mind is that even though I've met new people, developed new crushes and tried my best to avoid her, I've never received that kind of genuinity back again. In part that also comes from being what I seek, not essentially "her" but what she gave me (genuinity and kindness), but seeing as I've never met anyone else it has turned more into that she has become the pioneer of my definition of genuinity and that eventually makes it hard for me to get her out.
I do never go to places where she might be, it's just coincidences that makes us met. It's been about 3-4 times that I have seen her but I've never talked to her as it isn't her duty to make sure that my life is okay.
I'm more then fully aware of MY problems, MY view on life and MY responsibility/ability to improve my life. I've been doing everything I can for 2 years with little to no success in stopping to think about her. But that's not what this is about anymore, at least not to the extent that you guys are pestering me about.
When she broke contact, it crushed me but I always respected her decision. Now that I saw her again a couple of weeks ago, I don't know if what I thought about her was true. If she ever actually cared. Being that she was the only one that I've met that was so genuine, if that was all a lie then I don't see hope anymore. I don't see the possibility of me meeting one that give me what I seek. It's not about letting her go anymore, it's about knowing if I ever have a chance for happiness. I want to leave her alone mainly due to me not wanting to upset her, I've stated that multiple times and I've done my absolute best to do so, but to no avail. I'm tired of feeling this way about her, I want her out my head but she never leaves.
At this point I'm not thinking of confrontation because of it as ONE possibility but of it as the ONLY possibility. If I have a skeleton in my closet, isn't the point to actually clean it out then leaving it there forever?