Words or phrases I Would Like Never to Hear Again

"Welcome to the JPMorgan technology help desk. To speak to someone about a new problem, press "1". To speak to someone about a previously reported problem, press "2". To speak to someone about password resets, press "3". To speak to someone about..."

I'm usually swearing and foaming at the mouth by this point.

Quick TRUE story. I was burning some brush on my property, a car comes screaching around the corner, a guy get's out and walks up to me, and say's "you don't have a permit do you", "yes I do" (mind you this guy is cocked and it's 8 o'clock in the morning) he said "NO YOU DON'T", "YES I DO", "you do?, do you know what you need for that fire?" "what", "GASOLINE" I said I'm not going to pour GAS on a lit fire! He said "I will, I know what I'm doing I'm a firefighter, I work over at the xyz firestation(what ever he said.) So, I gave him a gallon of gas, he pours it on the fire, the flames IMMEDIATELY ignite the stream coming from the can and are now shooting out of the can. I thought there was potential for an explosion so I ran in the opposite direction, he's standing there laughing at me, put's the lid back on the gas can and snuffs it. I walked back, he tells me I'm silly and that I watch to many movies, meanwhile I look down and notice his FEET ARE ON FIRE! Flames licking the hem of his pants and he's just standing there babbling and dosen't even NOTICE! So I look at him and say "your feet are on fire", he casually looks down and say's "ahh that's nothing" and puts himself out.
I thanked him for the good time and he left.
Thanks for reminding me :wink:

"didn't i hear that (insert name of someone you know) just (got married, had a baby, got a promotion/great new job)"

I'm a barbie girl
in a barbie wor-erld
life in plastic
it's fantastic
you can brush my hair
undress me anywhere

HAHAHAHAHAHA to anybody who gets that stuck in their head now. HAHAHAHAHAHA

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial your operator. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial your operator. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial your operator (ad infinitum). This occurs after one doesn't wait a year after hanging up after obtaining a number from Information.

when i answer the phone and hear -excuse me little girl... is your momma or daddy home?

this little PUPPY will make your router into a walnut sheller...Gawd.... macho-speak

Stop right now, thankyou very much
i need somebody with the human touch
hey you, always on the run
gotta slow down, honey, gotta have some fun

Aawwwww, Seed my condolences. You don't sound like a little girl, you sound like a big, strong four year old hermaphrodite who not the slightest be little.

If it's a free call, a fun thing to do is to leave the phone of the hook when you get those messages " if you wouldlike a free sample of our product, press 1 now, if you would like to complain, press 2 now if you would like a hoarde of rampaging baboons to lick cream off your nipples, press 3 now, ( or get in contact with Seed and Child )" ad nauseum,

is to randomly press buttons and pretend to be a confused but lovely nonegenarian who is having a little bit of trouble with her hearing. After they have spent 15 minutes trying to help you, say that it was something else you wanted and then hang up on them. Oh, free crank calls, twice at an annoying somebody else's expense.

"utilize"

No word turns me off to what a person is saying like "utilize."
It means exactly the same thing as "use," but business jargon/social politics has dictated that it sounds more intelligent than "use" because it takes longer to say.

A couple months after being thrown around in business, it caught on and I hear everyone from art teachers to cashiers spewing this insipid attempt at intelligence. It says to me: "sounding like I know what I'm talking about is more important than actually knowing what I'm saying."

I also get tired of stupid racial politik speech. For example, "African American" for anyone who is black and living in America, regardless if they have been living in america for eight generations, or moved here from Jamaica or London... I don't call someone "Irish American" because they have red hair.

Or, how about "FREE*"
*if you give us all of your contact information so we can spam you, call you during dinner, and automatically sign you up for a credit card it is ridiculously hard to cancel and charges your banking account monthly.

thank you for your patience while we experience this unusual delay....your wait time is appox. two minutes.....

machine...what city and state please?

did you say (incorrect city)? press 1 for yes or 2 for no.....thank you....please hold for operator assistance

human (sort of)....what city and state please?

I'm not showing that in my listings....please hold for nationwide assistance.......

human(?) what city and state please?

Hey, kicky, you forgot your #1;
That'll be $50, honey, up front...

I'm going to need to use this swab to get a culture Mr. Quinney.....

from roomate: When a guy says, "We're pregnant!"

Free gift.
What other kind is there?

Free gift.
What other kind is there?

Yes we have no bananas. I'm really getting sick of that. What the hell is up with my grocer anyway?

"President George W. Bush"

just bend over and grab your ankles please