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Thu 2 Mar, 2017 06:14 am
My first time posting. Nobody knows about our affair so I have nobody to talk to about my issue. Brief history, myself and affair partner have been seeing each other for 3 years, both married. We have on so many occasions tried to end it. The last time we tried was over 3 months and since we carried on things have been better than ever. His dad has been ill for over a year and he contacted me on Monday to say his dad had took a turn for the worst and later text to say that he had passed. Because of our situation I couldnt run to him. I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said whatever I felt comfortable with. I went to the funeral home and shook his hand, and on the day of the burial I stood outside the church. He text me that afternoon to say "thanks for coming". I want to help, he is quite a private person as it is, but not being able to help is killing me! I feel so selfish that I want to help and he wont let me, all his messages have been thanks Im ok and very little more. I understand he is grieving and this has given me a bright realisation about our relationship also! Im in limbo and dont know what to do! I havent slept all week and im so irrationally emotional at the moment
Has anyone been in this situation
@feelingbroken,
I have not been in this situation, and I am also not a doctor.
That having been said, you say you are seeing things differently. As you should! So take this week as a wakeup call. And kudos to you for realizing that your desire to rush in isn't exactly coupled with the best motivations for doing so.
You are an outsider, and you have been for all three years. But now you're starting to get that you are.
@feelingbroken,
I think in this case, you have to step back and put his needs first. Let him know that you are there for him, and let him come to you as he needs/wants.
Its not a time for you to be irrationally emotional, he is the one grieving and going through a major life changing event.
Thank you for your replies! I understand that other people would be annoyed at our situation but you can't help who you fall in love with. Yes I am totally irrationally emotional at the moment and he is suffering but I just want to help.
I gave him a gift on Thursday night, he is a runner and I entered him into a race that was local to him as running is his way of dealing with life. I was working at the event and seen him. He messaged me afterwards to say thank you and that he really needed it and even though it was something small he appreciated that I gave him something that nobody else would.
He was in contact all day yesterday saying that he didn't want me to think he was weak because he was still very upset and I just explained that I was there no matter what. We are meeting today and it's going to be so hard as I am grieving on his behalf and he is still very much grieving. I have been told by numerous people that he is taking it very bad and that is what is making it harder for me to be away from him when all I want to do is be with him.
Thank you for your replies
@feelingbroken,
You've got some brass lady, his family are off limits to you, especially something as personal as a death in it. Mind your own business and see to your own family. You know, the ones who don't YET know you're shagging someone behind your husband's back. He's a 🔔🔚for allowing you that kind of involvement in the first place. What a twat.
Thoughtless.....and before you blather on about how much you care, I call horse S**t. The only person you 'care' about is yourself.
I am very glad you posted about this because I seem to find myself in the same predicament, asking the same questions, doing endless research. Taboo affair and very private man. I have been struggling with how handle myself in regards to his loss and as shitty as it was I came to the conclusion and accepted that I just have to back off and hang low for a while. And I realized this because yes I absolutely hate to see him in this much pain but as extremely embarrassing as it is to admit, a small part of it was rooted in the fact that I wanted him to get back to his old self so our conversing could get back to it's old self. With affairs things like correspondence are your bread and butter and serve as the gratification and pleasure while the physical interaction is absent (in reference to living in different states). And it sucks and its bitter that it's gone right now but tough ****, it's nothing in comparison to the pain he is feeling. Nothing to be done but wait out the storm and gently continue to let him know you are thinking of him and are here when he needs or is ready again. (I am just being honest here and with the truth I realized in myself, I would ask to please not be lectured or berated)
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