Fight fire with fire

If you want to.

But it's obvious you don't trust your husband. So - that kind of begs the question as to why you would want to bother.

It's not about the trip, you know.

Your husband is telling in (in his actions) that he's about to close in on his emotional "affair" so that it will now be physical.

He doesn't want you there and apparently doesn't care if you know about it.

Now - are you going to let all this happen without talking about it?

Does him going on this trip end the marriage?

I don't think I am ready to end our marriage. He blames all our problems on me, and takes no responsibility. I think if I don't go, it could be the end. I saw a text to her that if I go, it could be the "END". BUT..... he will not discuss her, she is off limits. He has asked me to be a part of this group (its a running/drinking group) and when I try to, I get turned away. Kind of like he wants me to stand up so he can sweep my legs out from under me again. Its a push/pull game. Quite heart sickening.

If you don't want to end the marriage, I'd think some serious marriage counseling is in order.

Trying to rescue the situation that you describe without marriage counseling is only going to lead to increasing levels of pain until you have no choice but to end it.

we did once go to marriage counselling, but when it wasn't going his way; he called up and cancelled the remaining appointments without telling me. I fear the same if we go again.

If he's going to deliberately sabotage efforts to repair the marriage, I don't see what hope there is of saving it.

If I were in your position I'd consult a divorce attorney (sooner is better so you don't make any legal mistakes) and hire a private investigator to gather evidence of infidelity on this ski trip.

I know you said you aren't ready to end the marriage, but your marriage is locked on a course for ever-increasing misery, with no way to change that trajectory. The only questions are how much you will suffer before getting divorced, and will your legal rights be protected by a lawyer so you get a fair outcome.

Maybe YOU aren't ready to end the marriage but he clearly is. You just arent seeing it.
See a lawyer asap. Find out how you are going to survive financially.

Thank you. I don;t know how to get an investigator. The trip is this weekend. We are Canadian. The trip is in the US.

I don't think we can talk about it before the trip. It will be an big argument and bad decisions & reactions could come from that anger. If I go, he is/will be angry. If I don't I feel I should throw his stuff on her door step. I think if I go, I have to put on a big smile, join in (if I am allowed by them), and just have fun. Our son will be with me too (he is 11).

You've got several options.

It doesn't seem that many of them lead to resumption of a good marriage.

You do have to talk to your husband very seriously about this.

He needs to understand that if he wants to stay in the marriage that attendance at counselling is non-negotiable.

I think oralloy has given you some good advice. I would also suggest speaking to a lawyer sooner rather than later. It seems like your marriage is ending. It's just a question of how and how soon.

Do you have any friends or family that have gone through this? Maybe they could recommend someone.

I am meeting my financial planner who has a chalet at this ski place (surprising bonus). Will fin out that end of it. I can call a legal service for 3 free questions, make them count.