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Thu 12 Jan, 2017 04:52 am
Its 4am, yet another sleepless night, here goes.
My current relationship of 3 years is on the rocks. There is no trust. I recently lost my job due to the overwhelming stress of a dying company, a dying child and a dying relationship. We have a terminallly ill son and recently my partner won full costody of her daughter taken by the state from her ex husband. Ive suspected infidellity for some time now and have seen nearly everything but actually catching her in the act. We were to get married in 5 months and i find now that because of the severity of this , coupled with our ill son reaching the end of life expectancy, financial hardships and conflicting parrenting issues, we are both hessitant. I suspect she has cheated with a not so good friend of mine as late as xmas day 2016. I dont know what to do. Early on in the relationship, i emotionally cheated, talking to women online and trading pictures. I regret this, amd i feel it crushed everything she had for our relationship. Simlnce then, things have been on a fluctuating but definate downhill slope. I love her and our children (both children are from her previous marriage, i have none biologically) . I love her but i cannot trust her, i am almost certain of infidellity in her end (odd behavior, sneaking around, finding evidence on her phone and in the house and even on her body (marks ect)). She maintains she has not cheated however in conversations,things are said unnoticed by her that confirm. For me, i cannot get past the fact that not only has she eated ,but that she is covering it up and highly likley with a old friend of mine that is married. Its two fold, the old "friends" betrayal (friemd of 14 years whom we attended his marriage) now in alliance wirh my fiance and involved sexually. I cannot bear the fact of him being at my wedding or even in my life having had his way with her,she is so sacred to me. It seems there may even have been multiple partners for her. Though i made the 1st mistake, i never physically cheated , i swear this. I feel it is a lower level of its own. I am worn, lost and most of all severley hurt. I feel the constamt distance and pain are beginning to chamge me and my outlook on life as a whole. I feel i am becoming more cynical and skeptical of people. I was raised catholic she was raised christian but for a while has been balancing between agnostic and athiest (leaning toward athiest).
Recently as our son approaches his final stages, she has been leaning back towaed realizing religion is not bad and has ordered a devotional bible. I have been non practicing for years and consider myself agnostic. This became more solid when we met. Her and i would talk for hours on many things and led eaxhother to consider what we knew and challenge orbeliefs to understand more. She was the only athiest I had ever kown on a personal level and happened to be someone whom i had grown so close to not only physically, but emotionally. In short i need help, ive never felt so betrayed and made to feel like nothing so badly in my life. Please, help me. Thank you
Postpone the wedding. If nothing else, you have trust issues with her and your attention and concerns are better spent caring for your terminally ill child in his final stages. That is stressful enough without dealing with everything else.
Talk to your primary care physician and see about therapy or a support group for the parents of terminally ill children. You clearly need someone to talk to and that will at least get you started.
Notice how nearly none of this is about religion or your relationship? Because those are back burner to this right now.
In the meantime, yes, you will probably talk about your relationship or even religion in therapy or group (whichever you choose, but I do urge you to choose something of this ilk - please don't make your friends play therapist; this is waaaaay above their pay grade). And I suspect your fiancée is not the only person faced with a dying child who has turned to faith, even formerly rejected faith. And she may not even be the first person to turn to an affair partner for comfort, either. Hence some or even all of her behaviors might be directly related to her son dying.
You say this boy is not your biological son. Is his bio father in the picture at all? Even if nobody gets along with him, unless he is an abuser or in jail, he should be a part of the process of being with and saying goodbye to his dying child. I realize that adds yet another dynamic to this, but the man is going to be bereft as well, and it would be a very kind thing for you both to do, regardless of whether you stay together in the end.
@EvolveOrDie,
Quote: i emotionally cheated, talking to women online and trading pictures
Firstly, I am sorry for the misfortunes you are suffering through now. I hope your life goes much more smoothly soon.
Your biggest concern seems to be - betrayal. Those feelings are inevitable in life if you fail to look behind the reasons why even someone who cherishes their partner like you do would seek to be emotionally close to someone else. This will likely happen many times in your life and it's not the result of not loving your partner. It's the way we're made.
Find out why. As you said 'Evolve or die'.
There is no reason to get married right now. There are issues that need to be dealt with, ASAP.
You two have been under tremendous stress with a sick child, and now the death, plus caring for other family members. Grieving causes stress, and stress often comes out side-ways - sickness, drinking, gambling, shopping, cheating, behavior that is not normal for the person - anything to divert attention to the hurt on hand.
Time to get grief counselors involved and /or marriage counselor.
Put your religious preference aside for the time being.
Quote:Put your religious preference aside for the time being.
I think that would be a huge mistake no matter what they are. To ignore anything that you think might be fundamental to your very existence in pursuit of a temporary peace is doomed to failure.
Either decide to chuck every vestige of 'faith' or decide to include it before seeking a solution either by yourselves or with the aid of a councilor.