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Tue 27 Dec, 2016 11:14 am
I need some help with this essay. In general, I just want your opinion on how it sounds and how to many it sound better.
Topic:
The UGA faculty has determined that the student body should demonstrate the qualities listed in the Admissions Philosophy Statement (which is below). After reviewing this, help us understand which of your qualities will add value to our community of scholars. (250-300 words) *
Admissions Philosophy Statement
As the state of Georgia's flagship institution of higher education, the University of Georgia recognizes in its mission "the University's integral and unique role in the conservation and enhancement of the state's and nation's intellectual, cultural, and environmental heritage." To this end, the University seeks to admit undergraduate students from all parts of Georgia as well as other states and countries who have demonstrated the following:
- Excellence in academic achievement, intellectual pursuits and creative endeavors
- An understanding of and respect for intellectual, social and cultural differences
- Significant commitment to citizenship through public service, school activities, community involvement, leadership and/or family
- The ability to benefit from and contribute to a culturally and intellectually diverse community of scholar-citizens
To serve an undergraduate student body of highly qualified, intellectually curious and actively involved students, the University is committed to provide excellence in its teaching/learning environment, to promote high levels of student achievement, and to offer appropriate academic support services. By identifying students with outstanding potential and fostering continued personal development in the classroom and the community, the University of Georgia expects that future leaders of the state, the region, the nation and the global community will emerge among its alumni.
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Essay:
As a student, I have always been quite unique in my thinking. Instead of shunning people out for not being like me or me simply sticking to being around the people that are like me, I like to use any knowledge or skill I have to help others regardless of who they are. It is a simply reason why I participate in so many clubs and sports (including Band, Soccer, Beta Club, and The National Honors Society). By helping out others, I hope to cause a change in a person's life that will hopefully affect others equally.
The idea of change has always fascinated me. So many people that we learn about in our History classes got their names known as very prestigious because they caused a change. A few of the most well known people being: Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, and Thomas Jefferson. As a person, I strive to cause change, and, as a motivating factor, use it to encourage myself to do bigger and better things.
In addition to wanting to change our world, I am a person who never gives up and never lets anyone else give up. I push myself and others to a limit that I know can be reached. This attitude is reflected not only in my academics but anytime in life. A life that is shorter than anyone can imagine needs to be reached to its fullest so stepping back is not a choice for me. Especially as a student, I work harder than anyone else because I have very high standards for myself and expect people to rise to a higher level to create a sense of competition. While school is all about a person's personal success, a bit of competition really brings out the best in everyone.
298/300 Words
@TheiKick,
Your essay's got some issues. I'll explain.
TheiKick wrote:
Admissions Philosophy Statement
As the state of Georgia's flagship institution of higher education, the University of Georgia recognizes in its mission "the University's integral and unique role in the conservation and enhancement of the state's and nation's intellectual, cultural, and environmental heritage." To this end, the University seeks to admit undergraduate students from all parts of Georgia as well as other states and countries who have demonstrated the following:
- Excellence in academic achievement, intellectual pursuits and creative endeavors
- An understanding of and respect for intellectual, social and cultural differences
- Significant commitment to citizenship through public service, school activities, community involvement, leadership and/or family
- The ability to benefit from and contribute to a culturally and intellectually diverse community of scholar-citizens
To serve an undergraduate student body of highly qualified, intellectually curious and actively involved students, the University is committed to provide excellence in its teaching/learning environment, to promote high levels of student achievement, and to offer appropriate academic support services. By identifying students with outstanding potential and fostering continued personal development in the classroom and the community, the University of Georgia expects that future leaders of the state, the region, the nation and the global community will emerge among its alumni.
I am keeping the above for reference. The school wants you to demonstrate academic excellence but also appreciate diversity (at least that's what I got from my reading). Your essay does not seem to address diversity at all.
I will comment in
blue and correct in
red or with strike-throughs.
TheiKick wrote:Essay:
As a student, I have always been quite (uniqueness is absolute; don't use an adverb here) unique in my thinking. Instead of shunning people out for not being like me or me simply sticking to being around the people that are like me, I like to use any knowledge or skill I have to help others regardless of who they are.(this is fine but the statement has no support) It is a simply reason This is why I participate in so many clubs and sports. These include (including Band, Soccer, Beta Club, and The National Honors Society). By helping out others, I hope to cause a change in a person's life that will hopefully affect others equally. (a lovely sentiment but utterly unsupported by what you wrote. How does soccer help others, or band?)
The idea of change has always fascinated me. So many people that we learn about in our History classes got their names known as very prestigious are noteworthy because they caused a change. A few of the most well known people being: Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, and Thomas Jefferson.(this statement is superfluous. Yes, these men were famous and they effected change. But the analysis is simplistic at best. Use your essay to explain why any of them are important, and why they matter to the subject of the essay. Hint: they don't) As a person, I strive to cause change(no. Change for the sake of change is silly. You need to be striving to change things for the better, but that statement is vague, so explain why), and, as a motivating factor, use it to encourage myself to do bigger and better things. (time for examples here. Kicking a goal in soccer doesn't improve the world. Bringing toys to poor children does)
In addition to wanting to change our world, I am a person who never gives up and never lets anyone else give up. I push myself and others to a limit that I know can be reached. This attitude is reflected not only in my academics but anytime in life. A life that is shorter than anyone can imagine needs to be reached to its fullest so stepping back is not a choice for me.(this sentence doesn't really make sense. Life is short, so don't hold back -- is that what you mean?) Especially as a student, I work harder than anyone else (do you? Example time again. Do you have straight A's? Do you tutor other students? Hold down two jobs?) because I have very high standards for myself and expect people to rise to a higher level to create a sense of competition. While school is all about a person's personal success, a bit of competition really brings out the best in everyone.(and here you kind of run out of gas and don't come to a satisfying conclusion)
298/300 Words
I realize you may be writing a lot of these and may be hoping a fairly generic essay can be used for several schools, but the Admissions Department will have you pegged as lazy really quickly if you attempt that.
They want to understand how you approach diversity. They want to see examples of your public service. They want to know how you respect cultural differences. And that's all in conjunction with your academics.
Except for briefly mentioning Martin Luther King, Jr., your essay doesn't even have diversity waved over it. How do you really get on with people who are different from you? How do you respect their differences? Answer those questions in your rewrite and you might have something.
@jespah,
Jes thank you for your profile. So few.....
@jespah
I am not the best writer but I am edited my essay. I do not expect a whole review on it (which I appreciate a lot) but I simply want to see if it is better :
Being born and raised in Germany, I have a background that is very different from what many other people have had the chance to live. From border to border, a person is not just crossing physical boundaries but is likewise stepping over a mountain of cultural, ethnical, and social experiences. Because I am a person not native to the United States, I have the knowledge and understanding of the changing of cultural, ethnical, and social aspects that come with going to new places.
As a student, I have always been unique in my thinking. Instead of shunning people out for not being like me or me simply sticking to being around the people that are like me, I like to use any knowledge or skill I have to help others regardless of who they are. Getting out in the community through clubs such as the Beta Club or the National Honors Society helps in that aspect by allowing me to participate in things outside of school. In addition to clubs, I also participate in Band and Soccer both of which I have a leadership role in. Participation in these activities allow me to meet a lot of people and through my leadership, cause a positive change.
The idea of change has always fascinated me. So many people that we learn about in our History classes are noteworthy because they caused a change. I strive to cause a positive change, and, as a motivating factor, use it to encourage myself to do bigger and better things. I push myself and others to a limit that I know can be reached. This attitude is reflected not only in my academics but anytime in life. As a fine young man once told me, “Do it right, or don’t do it at all.”
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