Do I have a right to be mad at my boyfriend for "defending" me?

Forums: Cat-Calling, Relationships
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So there are about 12 construction workers working on a property outside of my apartment. I came home after work and they started cat-calling me..."Hey Baby. Baby, look over here..." I walked in, annoyed by it, and asked my boyfriend "what is it with the construction workers outside and cat calling?" Big mistake on my part. He immediately got huffy "WHAT DID THEY SAY TO YOU? IM GOING TO SAY SOMETHING TO THEM" so I beg him not to because I walk home alone everyday, they know where I live, and what cars both of us drive so they can easily tell when he isn't home. To me, it was a matter of safety. He agreed to only ask for their supervisor's name and we called our landlord to get in touch with the supervisor of the development. Then, he immediately goes outside and starts yelling things like "YOU WANT TO ******* CALL ME BABY TOO? YOU CALLED MY GIRLFRIEND BABY? WHATS YOUR SUPERVISOR'S NAME?" and they are just saying "we don't want any problems." Then he came back in and I was furious. If felt like he completely disregarding my legitimate concerns over my own safety. There are 12 men and only one of me and I know nothing about these men. They watch me walk home daily (literally staring at me) and this town is currently a ghost town. Not even any cars going by. Then, because I was angry at him, he goes on Facebook and posts "So ******** is pissed at me because I said something to the construction workers cat -calling her. Somehow I'm the bad guy now" which basically opened me up to attack on facebook from his friends and family. "He's just being your boyfriend. And a good one at that." "Ah man, I woulda done the same thing. I ain't mad at ya." "She just doesn't understand. You've always stood up for me. It's who you are." I made him delete the post before I ruined my relationship with his family members but he still doesn't think I have a right to be mad at him.

So, basically, he defends my honor, against my wishes, then ridicules me on Facebook because he didn't receive a pat on the back for his efforts. I am pissed. I shouldn't have said anything to begin with but I had no idea he would react in such a way. What do you think? Am I overreacting? Should I have praised him?

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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 925 • Replies: 9

[+4] - maxdancona - 12/22/2016Yes, you have the right to be angry. He should have listened to you in the first place. But, sometimes men want to feel they can defend you. He was wrong, but that is something that you and he...

@soulcanary,

Yes, you have the right to be angry.

He should have listened to you in the first place. But, sometimes men want to feel they can defend you. He was wrong, but that is something that you and he should have been able to talk through.

In my opinion, the Facebook stunt was worse. The fact that he took your disagreement public, causing embarrassment to you with people you know, is pretty asinine.

You are not overreacting. I would be pretty upset if someone did this to me.

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@maxdancona,

I rather disagree with some of the premises of the objection.

I don't see a safety issue. Workers catcalling from a construction site, does not mean:
- those same men stalking you because your boyfriend got up them. If they were that way inclined, they would be already doing that.
- they would damage your property because your boyfriend got upset with them (maybe your boyfriends car, but even that'd be a stretch)

Both of those are a very far stretch. The most likely outcome, by far, of what he did, was that they would just leave you alone.

What I would be upset about is:
- him disregarding your discomfort with him approaching them
- the incredibly poor way in which he handled it...which could lead to some retaliation (rather unlikely, but if it did, it'd be against him in some way)
- the deceitful way he posted on facebook (he minimised his handling of it, while leaving out information about why you were pissed)
- the problems he caused between you and his family

These sort of people make for stormy relationships

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he defends my honor, NO, IT WAS NOT YOUR HONOR HE WAS DEFENDING.

then ridicules me on Facebook because he didn't receive a pat on the back for his efforts LITTLE BOY IS NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO PUT THIS ENTIRE INCIDENT IN ITS PLACE. INSTEAD OF ASKING HOW YOU FELT ABOUT IT, HE TOOK IT PERSONALLY AND STARTED AN UNNECESSARY UPROAR, EVEN WHEN THE GUYS APOLOGIZED.

This entire incident is very revealing about your BF's temperament.

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@vikorr,

I agree with vikorr.

I don't like catcalling, but it has not frightened me. I take it as a cultural mode; I, or we, were catcalled in Mexico, part of the scene, as we were tourists. I've worked in the construction industry in California, but I was in position to make a crew redo work in order to get paid. No cat sounds.

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@soulcanary,

...wondering if anyone might summarize Soul's OP

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@soulcanary,

I think you have every right to be angry. He ignored your requests about how to handle it and was then took your disagreement public in a very stupid way.

I would be wanting to establish agreement between you as a couple about mutual respect and taking expressed wishes seriously.

If you cannot agree on this sort of respect being given to your views, I would consider whether the relationship is viable.

Yes, I understand he may feel distressed and angry, but he behaved really badly in my view.

As did the construction guys. I hope they learned a lesson.

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Thanks for the responses! The cat-calling itself doesn't really frighten me. I was afraid there'd be some sort of retaliation after my boyfriend confronted them. So far, so good. Our landlord is overseeing this construction project and spoke to the lead man. About 80% of my building is occupied by women so she's not putting up with that. My boyfriend's family and mine are polar opposites. I was raised to talk through conflict while he was raised to fight over it. He thinks that's why I am afraid of certain things while he thinks he can take on 12 men. I hope he never finds out that outcome isn't likely. Anyways, thank you!

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Your question should be whether he LEARNED anything from all this.

Hopefully, his behavior will change since there are alternative reactions.

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@vikorr,

I agree with vikorr. While cat calling may be distasteful and annoying, theres no correlation between that and your safety being threatened. Its a bit ignorant to assume there is...
With regards to his behaviour it may be indicative of his future reactions to situations of this nature (incidents involving other Men) but I think he was just trying to do the right thing. I don't think he was coming from a place of malice. He doesn't want to be the guy that lets other guys treat his Woman however they feel but maybe he doesn't know what the boundaries are yet...
Talk to him and clearly explain how such incidents should be handled in the future.

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