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Wed 7 Dec, 2016 03:03 pm
Hey there! I'm going to be as detailed as possible, so sorry in advance for the long post.
To start out, I'd like to say that I'm an 18 year old female (biologically as well as mentally), and as you read in the title, I am currently questioning my sexuality on the most serious level that I ever have. I am in my first year of college, and this is the first time that I've ever lived on my own, so I suppose it's only natural to be going through this. However, that doesn't make this experience any less scary.
I'd also like to include that this isn't the first time that I've gone through this. In high school I found myself questioning it, and looking back now from a more mature perspective, I believe that I have always been attracted to or interested in other females' bodies on some level, even from a young age before I knew what sex was or anything like that. Anyway, I never dated in middle or high school, but always had crushes on my guy friends and/or boys in my classes. Never had any formal crushes on girls, but found myself feeling some level of physical interest, whereas my crushes on boys seem always to have been emotional in hindsight. Once I was emotionally attached to them, I would find myself craving the physical from them, but almost never the other way around (physical first and then wanting to date/love them, etc.) Because of this, I wrote myself off as confused, and moved on, even though now I realize I didn't really do anything to address it back then.
Flash forward to about 5 months ago, when I'm on the brink of a relationship with a wonderful guy that I'm really close with and interested in. We hang out alone one night, kiss a little (my first kiss), then asks me to be his girlfriend and I'm elated. The thought of being anything other than straight is not a thought in my mind at this time. That whole summer everything was wonderful. Spending almost every day together, cuddling, and making each other so happy. I was so thrilled to have my first boyfriend, and I didn't want anybody but him. At the end of the summer, I had to move away for college, and we decided to go long distance. Everything remained fine between us, and he came up to visit me the first chance he got (about 2 weeks into the semester). We had sex that weekend (lost my virginity) and everything seemed fine. I felt like I was living with my soulmate. He left and I was so sad, but then suddenly, a few days later, something began to just feel not right. I had no clue what it was, but something wasn't lining up in my head. I suddenly didn't feel as I had before he had come to visit. I was scared, thinking that I had lost my feelings for him, suddenly finding other men on campus extremely attractive and losing focus on my relationship. I was devesatated, as I had just felt completely and totally in love with him that weekend, and didn't want to feel any differently. This went on for a long time, as the next time I would see him wasn't for another 6 weeks. I held on until I could see him again, and when I did, things were fine, but still not the same. He leaves again, and I'm sad, but still not feeling 100%. A few days later, I had an epiphany that flashed me back to high school: "What if you're not straight?" And bam. Just like that, I began noticing women again as I had in the past. I told him almost immediately that this began going on, and he wants to stick with me through it, but I still don't know how I feel. He came up to visit me once more, but I couldn't get into the sex because I was so emotionally bogged down and confused. Kept wondering what was going on with me, what it might be like if I was with a girl, and really just couldn't live in the moment at all. I came home for Thanksgiving, and things felt better but still not 100%. I came back to school and still feel confused.
Flash forward to currently, and we've come close to breaking up so many times, and right now we're at a point where many would say we're "open" or something like that. He wants me to figure myself out, and so do I. I'm just so scared because I feel like I can't be sure of anything. Some days I feel like I'm bi, others I have myself convinced that I'm a lesbian, and sometimes I tell myself that I'm just curious and I'll have it figured out once I experiment and explore. Overall I've just been a mess and could really use some guidance. I don't want to lose this great guy from my life entirely, and I just don't want to make any fatal mistakes in general.
Anything insightful would be greatly appreciated, especially from people who have gone through such things and have come to terms with it. I think I might be bi and just curious and overwhelmed about the other side, but I really don't know. Please help!!
@themusicalamanda,
I think every human has a little bisexuality in them. Even I've found myself attracted to guys, even though I love girls. Don't be scared. Besides, girl on girl action is hot.
Girl on girl action is hot?
See this is why you should NOT come to A2K for this type of advice. Seek PROFESSIONAL advice. Ask your counselor at school for a recommendation for someone to talk to about "emotional" issues (say nothing else)...DONT use anyone at the college.
@giujohn,
I was looking for thoughtful people who may have been through this themselves, but I suppose that along with that I also I have to expect the not so thoughtful. That comment has been taken with a grain of salt. Thank you for advice.
I haven't been through this, but I would suggest to you that your sample size is exceptionally small. Not saying you have to kiss or sleep with every guy on the planet, but it seems more like distance and possibly some underlying incompatibility turned you off.
Long distance relationships basically stink. One big problem with them is that you miss a lot of not so wonderful stuff because everyone has to be "on" when they are together. Hence you get the less than wonderful stuff when you are by yourself, and that tends to make it all feel worse. E. g. if your cat was ill (there's a random fer-instance), but you only had 24 hours with your boyfriend, you probably wouldn't talk about your cat at all, or maybe just for a few minutes. Instead, you'd be living in the "we're briefly together so let's cram our whole relationship into this one day!" moment.
And then you go home and your cat is still sick, and it's still depressing, and it can be unaffordable to treat the little beast, and your cat may even be dying, and the boyfriend isn't there to help you out, anyway.
Being dissatisfied with that kind of a ridiculously unhelpful "relationship" isn't a sign you're gay. It's a sign you're unhappy in your relationship.
Yes, more exposure to both sexes might help you figure this out. Try to be as social as you can and spend time with groups and then individually with each person. So that might mean breaking up with your LD boyfriend.
Sexual feelings can't be forced. It's important that you be relaxed with someone so that getting "turned on" can happen. That means you must be with someone often. Long distance relationships put stress on this, and as Jes said, there is pressure to get everything in during a short amount of time.
But don't think just because you weren't "in the mood" that particular time, that you have changed your sexual preference.
@PUNKEY,
The thing is though, I have found myself being attracted to women. Not just not feeling anything towards my boyfriend.
@themusicalamanda,
Just get a girlfriend and see if you like that better.
@themusicalamanda,
themusicalamanda wrote:
The thing is though, I have found myself being attracted to women. Not just not feeling anything towards my boyfriend.
Amanda, I get some sadness out of you op but there is nothing wrong with how you feel. You are trying to be honest with yourself and at the same time seem to think it's bad to have carried on with your bf and moving more towards wanting women. It's okay to feel this way.
I think you are bi. Nothing wrong with that. But there could be more to this that you haven't seen yet since you haven't been with a girl like you have with your boyfriend.
I sense you don't want to hurt him or lose something you might realize later you actually wanted. Tell your boyfriend you need to figure this out and roll the dice, he might not wait for you or feel he needs too. I know you care about him but this isn't your only chance at love. Take the chance to find out what you really want.
It's good that you care, most wouldn't bother to ask what to do because they don't care. Tell your boyfriend you need to figure this out but you can't make any promises. And then do just that.
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