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My boyfriend...

 
 
Ashm93
 
Reply Tue 22 Nov, 2016 09:15 pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I am 21, he is 26 Our relationship has been great, the first three years was great, we spent all our time together. He is 5 years older so he should be more mature and ready to settle down. He met some friends about a year ago, they are very immature, still live with parents and all they do is party. They have completely changed my boyfriend. He still takes care of me and does everything for me, he is a great boyfriend but now, his one friend in specific is with us ALL the time. He thirds wheel with us everywhere. My boyfriend and I never go to the movies or out to dinner or any fun activities unless his friend comes with us. I tell him I want to do things with him alone except he tells me I'm controlling his life and that I never "have fun".... What the heck. It makes me very mad and almost like I'm competing with his friend. Help me everyone
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  4  
Reply Wed 23 Nov, 2016 12:51 am
@Ashm93,
Ash, in my opinion we grow up faster, we have to, children, responsibilities.

I read along time ago that men are 4 years "younger" than us, who knows if that's the case, he's 22. Smile

It's a tough one in as much as his friends want him in their lives, don't respect the relationship however as if they did, the guy wouldn't be there 24/7 but he is.

Your boyfriend has stated "you are controlling his life" I can't help but feel his "mate" is stating that to him and yes, he's immature in my opinion as well, your boyfriend BUT, he's not ready to settle down.

You make that comment expecting that he is. If he was, he would be saving for a house for you both together, with you, talking about future.

You're 21 do you work?

Do you go out with girlfriends?

If you aren't working he could be stressed over saving, nothing to save.

If you aren't going out with friends, why not? He is? Being in a relationship doesn't stop you being yourself no one owns anyone.

I think you need to start doing some things for yourself, let him do some for himself, heck if he sees you are doing stuff for yourself, catching up with girlfriends, going out, he may become controlling and tell you you can't then what do you do?

You go out with your friends.
He goes out with his.
You make a special date night together.

And you go back to where you were, when you met.

Things can become routine, boring, and we don't live for 1 person in our lives, we need to have our own as well.

MikkaBarsotti
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Nov, 2016 01:28 am
@FOUND SOUL,
I agree Its a Fact that men mentally take longer to mature on a psychological standpoint four years typically would be accurate but it all depends on many underlying factors, Not the point though at all. I personally can say I have dated women that have been controlling and This is not a realistic concept at all of a controlling girlfriend from what it sounds like to me. I've been in this situation as the man when I was about 21 and well it was her brother in law...& really I knew I had to man up and tell him I needed time with her. Being you the woman in this situation I think the best approach would be to say to his friend and say "Listen, You wanna spend time with him I'm his girlfriend This is not fair to me" or something of similar approach. I can with utmost Respect to you and with intentions of Honestly say It sounds like hes not respecting your wishes & he needs to grow up.
0 Replies
 
MikkaBarsotti
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Nov, 2016 01:31 am
@Ashm93,
The thing he said to you that "Is controlling his life" That is not you controlling his life at all it sounds more like a controlling thing for him to say to you said in reluctance to adhere to your wishes.
Ashm93
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Nov, 2016 05:48 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Thank you for replying. I'm 21 and yes I do work. Him and I both make decent money so I know that is not the problem. His parents bought him his first house a year ago which I moved into with him. That is all right before he met his friend. The house he bought is an hour and a half away from my friends so I do not go out much anymore. Before my boyfriend met his friend he was very, very mature. So it his friend that is the problem. But I agree, I need to make new friends and start going out and I think it will help a lot.
0 Replies
 
Ashm93
 
  2  
Reply Sun 27 Nov, 2016 05:50 pm
@MikkaBarsotti,
Thank you so much for the reply! <3
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Nov, 2016 06:22 pm
@Ashm93,
The responses on this thread are nonsense. They are simply repeating what they think you want to hear without giving any helpful input on how to make the relationship work (if that is what you want) or to end it (if that is what you want).

First of all. This is completely wrong.

Quote:
He is 5 years older so he should be more mature and ready to settle down.


How can you possibly say this? It is not your place to judge the maturity of your partner. That isn't how good relationships work. Each person gets to live their own life according to their own timeline. Saying that someone "should be more mature and ready to settle down" is nonsense. Let me give you some practical advice.

You have two choices. You either accept your boyfriend as he is, or you break up with your boyfriend and find someone who you can accept. You can't change your partner... nor do you have the right to.

You may be able to negotiate specific changes with him. Maybe you can ask him if you can spend alone time going out once or twice a week. If you ask respectfully he may be able to understand how you feel and agree to compromise.

However, once you start saying that your boyfriend is immature... this means you are judging the behavior of your boyfriend and trying to get him to change. You might not want to call this "controlling", but good relationships don't work this way.

For anyone participating in this discussion, imagine how you would feel if your partner told you that you are immature and need to grow up. This basically means the end of most adult relationships.

If you like and accept who he is, then keep him. If you don't, then break up with him and move on. It really is that simple.

Ashm93
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Nov, 2016 08:54 pm
@maxdancona,
Thanks for the reply. Yes I guess the way I put it does sound judgmental but what I meant is now after meeting this friend, he changed a lot. When him and I first met, he was very mature. More mature than I was. If I had met him like he is now, a little immature, then that is different but he changed so much because of his friend being very immature himself. So I just miss how he used to be. But thanks again for your advice.
0 Replies
 
MikkaBarsotti
 
  1  
Reply Mon 28 Nov, 2016 07:36 am
@Ashm93,
Welcome Hope it all gets figured out for the best ! <3
0 Replies
 
 

 
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