husband cheats with man

Tell me what the difference is and which situation is wose. Situation #1....been in relationship for about 4 yrs, using drugs, go give oral sex to ex husband a few times and an old friend a few times for money for drugs. Although the incidents are not spoken of directly, the man is aware of what she is going to go do. He tells her to go ahead and go and participates in spending earned money on drugs.
In between the 2 situations.....women goes thru sexual wild and crazy faze and says she wants to watch him receive oral from another man and then in at a different time want him and her to have 3some with another women. Unfortunately it is alot easier to find a man willing to do that than it is a women. I find a couple of men that come over, give him oral and leaves while I watch. Felt kinda strange but a turn on. Never could find a women for 3some. I sat him down on couch and made it perfectly clear that it would NEVER be done behind one anothers back and agreeable, AND it would NEVER happen after we get married.
After being in relationship for 5 yrs....l
Situation #2.....Approximately 3 weeks after marriage husband recieves oral sex from man without wifes knowledge. I find out from a text message a couple weeks later. I was devastated yo say the least. He swears it was 1 time and he only received, did not otherwise engage in any activities. Claims he was high and drunk and that a mouth is a mouth. At first he denied it, then he admitted it. 2 hrs after I find out, he goes to bed leaving me up the entire night crying alone as he tells her it wont happen again, its in the past and I should let it go. Was then informed that he thought it was ok because I let him do it in the past. (Before marriage, with me present and agreeable.) He also says he wished I never found out about it.
It has only been 3 months since I found out about it and every time I mention it he throws it in my face about what I did before we married. This person lives within about 1/2 miles from us and we see him around town. He also acts and accuses me of cheating on him although since we married I have been nothing but faithful to him. I have trouble letting it go because he wont tell me exactly when it happened and how the situation happened. I am not asking for specific details. Just a little insight so I can try and make since of everything. I am forever changed by this. He wont let me get my hurt and anger out and I dont trust him because he lies to me all the time. I can forgive him, every one makes mistakes but think I am hurt by the fact that it happened after we had married. Also, even though I told him if he ever felt like he wanted to do it again all he has to do is tell me and I will help set it up. I offer him oral and sex atleast 1 time a day but everytime he gets a chance he is looking at porn behind my back.

So....Question is ...are what I did and what he did the same? Which is worse?
I dont want to get back at him or hurt him. I just need to vent occasionally without having what I did thrown in my face. I have tod him what I did was wrong etc...he knew what I was doing, he helped spend money, and I did not ever receive any pleasure from it only disgust. He waited till we were married, he wanted to do it, he received pleasure from it, I was not there nor was I aware of the situation.
Why did he even marry me? I am not allowed to ask him any questions.
I just want him to see the differences.
Please help clarify!