Open Conversation on Dating Older Men.

Reply Sun 18 Sep, 2016 08:26 pm
This query has sat on my chest for well over five years now, so here it goes. It's in regards to dating older men and the longevity aspect of relationships. I'm looking for any and all answers that could play off on this open conversation as I have articulated it enough in the past years to myself, and am simply looking for a different perspective. If there's any to be had...

First and foremost, I am fundamentally a monogamist and stand strongly with my ideals of building a life with said significant other. So it's been a long time coming since I've searched long and hard for someone I had the proper chemistry to grow old with. Granted some things have changed temporarily as per my last post, I have always been inclined towards older mind-setted people. Recently my tastes have evolved -- or rather, have finally opened up to and accepted, my inclination towards older men.

Initially there was a certain amount of shame I felt in it. As well as the peculiarity of accepting what my younger self would look like with someone clearly much older than I, but that phase of my insecure life has long since withered, especially since I've blossomed from my "forever in junior high school chic," which has made the aesthetic of me romantically juxtaposed to an older man much easier in my own eyes. A "double entendre" of my initial tastes for chubbier men that challenged my younger self the same.

All in all, as we allow life (as well as our own selves) to evolve in our tastes, I've found many methods of balancing my desires to better suit my ideals and ended up exploring/experiencing attractions to pretty much anything (skinny, fat, younger, older, etc) with a decent and kind heart. In this phase of my life, my attractions lean me towards mature men usually within the 35-55 age range. Most of my past relationships were only a year or three apart from me. Exploring this deeper, I challenged myself in pursuing a handful of older men of different calibers and often find a more solid chemistry than the peers I have pursued. (Not that one is better than the other, for they both have their strengths and weaknesses.) Which is great, "but to what end?" is what I am always lead to ask. If I were to pursue a relationship whenever it is that I am ready, what would the concept of "growing old" with an older man look like?

Being that I presume I will be on the verge of thirty by the time I am ready to share myself in this way with someone again, I'm sure the game will change a bit more as I evolve and grow older. But tonight I find myself a little impatient for answers, sitting on a question that I should have walked away from before my late night cup of coffee.


Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 06:30 am
People who are 35 - 55 usually have baggage with them - exes, kids, financial considerations, health issues, etc.

So be prepared to take all this on, too.

How old did you say you are? Go 5 years out, no more.
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Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 07:51 am
When I was in my twenties, I dated a guy who was 13 years older than me.

One day he told me, "If we stay together, you'll be a fairly young woman taking care of an old man."

I knew it was near the end of our relationship.

I reconnected with him on Facebook, and he was right. He's also deceased now. I would have been widowed before I was fifty.
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 07:59 am
@johne sapien,
Are you dating an number.... or are you dating a person.

It doesn't seem logical to me to choose a life partner based on their age. It seems even less logical to me to worry about the age of a life partner before you have even met him.

I diasgree with Jespah and Punkey. Date people you find attractive until you find someone you want to spend your life with.

Keep in mind that life is uncertain. Jespah could have been a widow even if she married someone 13 years her junior. Live and love for today... if you find a great love of any age, your life will be better for it no matter how long it lasts.
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johne sapien
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 11:59 am
My brain stands strongly with PUNKEY and Jespah's stances on the physical challenges that are expected when breaking down the realities of the matter. If I don't have a grasp on these realities, then I'm simply pursuing another ideal.

My heart stands just as strong with Maxdancona in the way I extend my care to anyone, friendly and otherwise. All in all, age to me is nothing but a number and applies more towards my current interest in physical preferences. I have friends younger than me that have the mind set of a fifty year old, and older friends who have the mindset of a fifteen year old.

If someone makes me feel electric, challenges me to be a better person, opens me up to different aspects of life and everything else in between, that's all I really care about. I am far removed from the concept of wealth or status in my fundamentals in gauging the absolute worth of someone. (Within reason of course.) **EDIT: I have been blessed with an abundance of love (romantically and friendly) in my life so far and do my best to spend my energies on the good people that find me. Whomever that is I'm lucky enough to run into.

I'm sure accepting my desires for seeking out a long term with this age range will come easier as I myself grow older, and this daunting confliction of an age gap in this matter is mitigated.
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Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2016 01:07 pm
@johne sapien,
If you can really fall in love with people regardless of age, weight, appearance, etc, then congratulations on WINNING. It's something I've never personally seen anyone be able to do, including myself.

If you honestly like this older guy, then go for it. Even if people judge you at first, after they see you two have chemistry they will get over it and chalk it up to chance. Don't worry about age. Yes, he will probably die before you. But anyone you date could die before you.
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Reply Fri 21 Oct, 2016 01:00 pm
@johne sapien,
When I was 20 years old..I was in a relationship with a guy who was 37 at the time. We were together for several years and the guy that I was with after that relationship ended was older too. These relationships worked out fine in a lot of ways. Therefore, I've always became more interested when guys approached me who were older than those who were in my age bracket. For me...older guys that I've been with came with a lot of maturity and wisdom and somewhat settled with the individual they've become.
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Reply Fri 21 Oct, 2016 02:10 pm
I forgot who said women should marry 3 times.
1. for fun, frolic and sex at a young age.
2. someone to have children with; good with kids and provider
3. someone to grow old with; your best friend.

It would be nice if one person could provide all this for their partner. I have seen it in my lifetime.
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Reply Thu 19 Jan, 2017 11:55 am
@johne sapien,
Hello Johne,

I am in a relationship of 17 years with a man 15 years older than I am. One of the first things we talked about was the issue of aging. Right now, I am 49 and he is 64. We've been together for 17 years, but the chemistry was there and we had and still have many things in common to build a life with. I looked around at me "peer" group and wasn't finding anyone that held the same values I did. I wasn't really looking when I found my partner, but I am happy now that I found him.

If you go into a relationship with an older man, just remember that you will encounter some of the things that come with age...i.e. age related surgeries, illnesses, loss of libido. You may hear me say this many time, but the key to a relationship is communication. If you can talk with each other, you can work out 99 out of 100 things successfully. Those 1% things are called compromise or decision time. How large of an issue is that 1% to you? Is it a make or break issue? Does it outweigh all the positives?

I don't think that age plays a major part in a relationship though it does create some issues that peers don't necessarily have to deal with. Some of those issues deal with generational views and "experience" issues. In my case, he has had a great deal more experience in the gay world than I have. He also has 15 years more experience dealing with some situations but that experience doesn't necessarily equate to better answers. If you get in a relationship with an older man, just be comfortable with your own knowledge and be able to hold your own in a conversation. You need to be able to respect his opinion and value his advice, but be able to make your own decision based on your own values.

I don't regret my decision, and I don't think you will either. Follow your heart, find the right man and make sure you communicate. If you have all those things on your side, you can make it work.

Good luck,
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Reply Fri 20 Jan, 2017 12:29 am
I'm 58 and my husband of 23 years is 70.

I never noticed the slightest bit of difference in our ability to handle situations, maturity levels, or essential likes and dislikes.

My first husband was 16 years older than me, and the end of our marriage had nothing to do with the age difference.

I intensely resent silly comments about restricting yourself to x number of years difference, when you're dealing with 2 adults. There was one, maybe 2 people who felt the need to advise me of my foolishness for dating someone older. I don't even remember their names, so good thing I made up my own mind. I remember asking one what experience they were basing their judgment on. They had none. It just didn't look right I guess.

Is there health differences between us today? Yeah. Will he probably die before me? Odds are, yes. So? I may die tonight or tomorrow.

But we would have had 23 years of marriage, and the time beforehand that.

If I met this man when I was 18 and he was 30, I would have jumped at the chance to be with him.

Have we had problems? Do I have any regrets? No one gets through life without these. But none of these were about any age difference.

I do appreciate jespahs comment because she actually was in a situation, and considered the future. However, I have to ask, is this man still alive? If so, you'd have had a good number of years already.

While typing this, I looked over at my husband and asked if he ever considered our age difference, and he said no. There are times when I'm mistaken for his daughter at doctors offices, usually when he's unwell. So what? It doesn't happen overnight. You have plenty of time to get used to small things like that.
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Joseph CAOA
Reply Sun 5 Feb, 2017 01:13 pm
@johne sapien,
I'm almost 25 yo and my current 'boyfriend' is 52 yo. We are together since 2014.
The biggest issue found by me now is an old relationship of him. He lived with a partner for 24 years before we met, being the last 3 ones officially married. Moreover, his last partner adopted a boy while he was travelling to MA for work (this boy has today 18 yo and lives with my 'boyfriend' after break-up).
Here's the major issues found by me today:
1. Everytime I realize that he is nearest to his old partner in day-to-day because of their financial, marital or other relations I feel so bad...
2. When I tell him that has a great difference between stay in touch with his old partner because of the family matters and keep this proximity besides that, he tells me that "he had a relationship of 24 years which not means 24 months". This hurts me so much everytime I remember that. I know he dont wanted to hurt me with those words.... It's confusing because that relationship has my age...
3. He is not officially divorced until these days... Despite speculation, I know he would never come back to his old partner.
4. I see that, when he says "his old relationship had 24yo" he, unconscuously tells me that ours will not last that (or not? am i wrong?).

I really need to talk about this with someone other than my psychoanalist... :/
Reply Mon 13 Feb, 2017 04:04 pm
@johne sapien,
I tend to date younger, women without any baggage.
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Reply Mon 13 Feb, 2017 04:13 pm
True...but you have been a widow with some cash and then you could go out with this piece of work. lol
Reply Mon 13 Feb, 2017 04:18 pm
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johne sapien
Reply Mon 3 Apr, 2017 06:07 am
@Joseph CAOA ,
Hey Joseph,

I can relate to this situation on many levels,

The life histories of dating older men (or rather, people with a deeply sentimental history) will always be a bit of a winding topic depending on the level of attachments they hold to their past. I've taken the time to survey and note a lot of relevancies in the many conversations i've had in this topic from many perspectives.

an ex-lover of 24 years is not something that can be let go or muted so easily. the focal point here is the 24 years of your lover's personal life that he lived with this specific person. For most of us, that's more than a quarter of our respectively short life spans. I think it's fine/fair/normal for you to feel insecurities towards his ex lover, especially since they have "obligatory" ties to each other that keeps them relevant in each other's lives, let alone having an adopted child to toss into the mix.

I can understand how tough the situation can be for you on those rough days/nights, and i think your trust and security can only be met not just in humbling yourself to who or what this ex deeply means for your boyfriend, but also your boyfriend taking the time to express to you some empathy and tenderness to allow you to feel more secure as you get "better accustomed" to the baggage/things that he knowingly carried before opening himself up to a new romantic partner.

You guys have been together for (almost) three years now and i believe that says something about what you both have for each other. I do not know the full details of your lives, but i believe him comparing 24 years to 24 months, is him being honest to the realities of what his history entails in relations to you being the latest addition to this aspect of his life.

I have an ex-lover for almost four years, who constantly challenged me from spending time with my closest friends whom i had grown up with, to the point where he would "unconsciously declare" that he should be much more important than they should be in my life now that I was his boyfriend. While that may sound possessive on his end, because ultimately I believe it was, it also made me see what the worth of a proper balance between building life with a new lover while still staying true to the pivotal pieces of your past. And if a new lover challenges all that you had lived through and made of yourself in your past, then i think it's time for an open and honest chat to find a compromise to what it is that's really off putting the other partner, and move forward accepting the realities that cannot be changed between both parties.

Thank you for your reply.

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