I need of advice, please.

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I know I don't post often (though I see several of you on fb) but I often come here for advice when it comes down to tough decisions... and this is not one I can write on fb.

Ok. So I live at home with the grandfather (it's his home but he lives in the in law apartment upstairs and I have completely separate living downstairs). My grandmother died over 8 year ago and he was devastated so we moved home (pre-divorce so now it's just me and my 2 girls).

His one wish is to have the house remain in the family. Initially it was going to be left to me but, well he's a very stubborn man and if you do one thing to strike him the wrong way he'll find a way to make sure you remember it, it's now going to be left to my aunt as the executive of estate.

I found out, about a month ago, that when he passes they plan to sell the house. (Aside from being told we could live here and pay the utilities until my youngest turned 18 so they didn't have to change schools... among other things I was told).

Now don't get me wrong, he's 76 and could have a lot of years left (he suffers through pain daily and can barely go up and down the stairs).

Long story short I can't stand living with him and knowing this. He talks about it so often and it's becoming uncomfortable. He's the man that raised me as his own. He can be a stubborn generally miserable man but he's never done any wrong to me... and always been there for me.

If my grandmother (considered my mother in reality) she'd be heartbroken to know that they would do that. I assume it is more complicated because he raised his 4 kids more differently than he did me. Regardless a part of me knows my grandmother would want to tell him. To make it right...

Here's what is boils down to. 1) If I tell him then they'll know it was me and I know that he'll say something. They will assume it's for my own selfish purposes of wanting to stay in the house (I've been looking into houses and stuff but I have to wait a few years until I can get there on my own so it's not for my own needs). I'll be ostracized from the little family I have and I don't know...
2) If I don't tell him then it's something that'll I will have to live with for the rest of my life. He put everything he had into buying this house. The house that they had always dreamed of having. It's a beautiful home and it means the world to him. I think to him it's one of the only things he has left of my grandmother. Their dream.

So I am not really sure what to do and I don't know if there is a right answer. The last thing I want to do is be selfish and if it seems better to do the whole "what you don't know doesn't hurt you" thing then so be it.

Any advice?

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@Crazielady420,

Does he think your aunt is going to live there after he dies?

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@ehBeth,

No I am. The arrangement was to be that, whoever is living in the house, will take over the expenses. Once my kids turn 18 then the decision would be made on who would buy who out. (I was suppose to be part of the buyout, split 5 ways but they took me out of that because they don't consider me his child, but I am not spiteful... I'm not a greedy person).

My aunt promised him... but my mother told me last night that "she is not honoring his wishes and is selling the house."

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@Crazielady420,

Thus the reason I will look selfish. They pretty much told me that the house only holds negative memories to them and they just want to get rid of it. It doesn't hold negative memories for me.

My uncle and grandfather don't speak. My aunt visits twice a week. My mother and her brother live together in his home (he rents her the apartment upstairs).

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In your position I wouldn't tell your grandfather.

Your aunt is executor of the estate and it will be her decision. Upsetting your grandfather won't do anyone any good.

If your mother or one of her siblings want to tell him their plans, that's on them.

The really tricky part is figuring out how to deal with your grandfather when he talks about the future of the house. You don't want the girls thinking they're going to live there forever. Maybe encourage him to talk about what he perceives as the good old days instead of the future of the house.

The sooner you can manage moving out , the better for the three of you.

___

as I re-read things, it does kind of seem you've made things easier for your grandfather's children by living there. they don't have to deal with a lot by having you there.

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@ehBeth,

Thank you.

That is my fear, upsetting him. My children believe they will grow up here so I've mentioned moving someday, getting their own room... incorporating it here and there subtly.

None of his kids will say a word.

As for how I ended up living here. The four of them said not it and elected me. Not one of them could live with him, they said he is too much to handle.

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@Crazielady420,

If/when you move out, his children will have to do something.

Family dynamics are such a Jenga. You touch one piece and all kinds of other pieces move.

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@ehBeth,

Agreed.

That's the final thing though... if I move out I break his heart and take away my kids, whom he loves dearly. I am afraid it may kill him... he's already lost so much.

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@Crazielady420,

It would probably make him very sad, but your responsibility is to your children first and foremost.

It will be interesting to see what will happen when your aunt realizes that you will move out before she is prepared for it. Does your mother know that it's a possibility?

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@Crazielady420,

You have to weigh your options that's best for you and your children. Your fear of killing him based on your own personal life decisions is really not your problem. What's best for you and your children; that's the bottom line. Your family comes first; always.

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I'm agreeing with ehBeth.

About me, but a similar situation -
I had a stinkeroo inheritance thing happen to me back in the early eighties and despite my memories of relatively happy times there at my aunt's house when we lived at her house off and on when I was a child and teen, I fought it, basically lost, and forgot it as fast as I could. The neighbor had taken my aunt to an attorney and had a will made to go to the neighbor's son. But, my aunt not long before had wanted to give me the house and what ever was left in it. Wanted me to take the silver right away. Me, I said no, let's use it when I visit, or stay over. And, she and I wrote up a short holographic will, which was, at least back then, legal in California. We did that because she couldn't stand lawyers.... adamantly. My attorney friend told me the essentials.

My attorney was an old boyfriend of mine, as much a friend as boyfriend, and he also became my husband's attorney re script writing and so on. I remember my attorney ex and his later met wife, and John and I, having a good long and enjoyable dinner out.
What happened is that the neighbor essentially won re their legal document but I got some percentage of the deal when the house was later sold, and my atty. got 30% of that, which was the plan so I was fine with it. That essentially paid for my night school classes for the next few years. I could weep re what that house would be worth today, but so it goes, as Vonnegut would say. I remember all this, to be able to write about it, but it's a smidge of my earlier life and learning.

Anyway, Christine, I'll be thinking of you. Keep us in touch on this, eh?

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@ehBeth,

My mother does know that it is a possibility. At this point I am just hanging in until the right opportunity pops up. If I am going to move to another town I want to be able to do it sooner than later since the girls are already making friends.

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Thank you all!

I will keep in touch :-)

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@Crazielady420,

I still have flashes of missing the place. My aunt had a large fruitbearing avocado tree as well as a somewhat smaller peach tree, this all in a small yard. There were also black widow spiders under the back steps.

I get your heartbreaking him by moving, but he left you out, or so it seems. Maybe he was open to suggestion. He may be easily swayed, as I alluded to with my personal story re my aunt.

In my case, I remember my, way back when, borrowing $4oo. from my mother, I forget why. Some big bill I was freaked about. She then went to the pastor for consolation that I had had an abortion. Huh? I had left home to get my own apartment.
Plain fear, I think now.

I presume she told my aunt, a mile or so away from our old house and so aunt told the neighbor.

They also worked me up about 'mariawanna'. I didn't take it seriously, as that was a bunch of time before I enjoyed it. My aunt had smelled it on my clothes. Who knows? I've close to no sense of smell; I did have friends that smoked, maybe to her I was mid-reef.

So, that was all years before the house stuff, but I was probably evil to start with. Maybe your family people have similar trophs.

I'm not trying to take over your thread, just relating.

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@Crazielady420,

Crazielady420 wrote:

His one wish is to have the house remain in the family.

I found out, about a month ago, that when he passes they plan to sell the house.

These are the 2 things that keep circling in my mind.

He doesn't wish for this house to be sold, but she's going to do it.

Personally, I think he deserves the respect of knowing the (potential) truth. That way he can amend his will so that it won't be sold.

I understand the idea that you need to look after yourself and your kids first. However, it feels like he's being dismissed as not being important in this matter. Like "yeah, but he's old. He wants the house kept in the family and we'll let him think that, but we're going to sell it when he's dead."

Does he have his mental facilties? If he does, this feels like he's being treated like a dottering old fool, who doesn't count enough to know what's going on.

I've got very specific wishes for what becomes of my belongings when I'm dead. I'd hate to think that when I'm very aged those wishes would be thrown aside because "we didn't want to bother her, so we'll just do what we want"

Grand dad is most likely a lot tougher than anyone is giving him credit for.

As for being worried the aunt will assume you're just being selfish, well, what do you call what she's being? Selfish AND devious. Personally, I wouldn't much care about what someone like that thinks of me. Her thoughts would just be a reflection of who she is.

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I am with Chai here. Grandpa has a right to know that his daughter is thinking of selling the place the minute he's on the other side.

Regardless if he leaves the house to all of his children or none at all, he has specific wishes what should happen to his estate and he should be able to change his testament so no one will be able to sell the house.

I also think the aunt is disrespectful and devious - she lets you pay all the upkeep and you take care of your grandfather and afterwards the house is sold and you're out of luck.

If you didn't take care of your grandfather he most probably wouldn't be able to live alone, so his children would need to find him a retirement home and help pay for one. You enable them to live carefree - they don't have to pay a dime into the upkeep of the house and they don't have to pay a dime into the care of your grandfather. They have a win-win situation thanks to you!

1 Reply

@CalamityJane,

On consideration, I'm with Chai and you, CJane, on this.

1 Reply

@ossobucotemp,

Me too!

(now wasn't that a brilliant comment?)

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@roger,

Certainly.

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@cicerone imposter,

cicerone imposter wrote:

You have to weigh your options that's best for you and your children. Your fear of killing him based on your own personal life decisions is really not your problem. What's best for you and your children; that's the bottom line. Your family comes first; always.

Since when is your grandad not your family? If it wasn't for him no one in this situation would even exist.

Crazy lady, you say you don't want to hurt your grandfather. But ask yourself is he would want to know his house will be some sold off before he's cold. I would go so far to say I don't know if this woman is an appropriate choice for executor, since it's the executors function to make sure the deceased wishes are carried out. At the very least, his will needs to be reviewed to mak sure that's in there.

In fact, you may be the better choice to be executor.

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