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Wed 7 Sep, 2016 08:05 am
Good Morning -
I would like to share my present experience with a wonderful woman I am dating who is a widow. I also need some helpful advice on navigating this relationship. I am 52, divorced 6 years with two older teenage children. She is 44, a widow 9 months with two children 11 and 9. We met on an online dating site and have been seeing each other a few months. Her husband passed away after a 3 year long battle with cancer. Those are the facts.
We have been going slowly and too fast at the same time. She is really a wonderful woman and we click on so many levels. My nature is to be supportive and caring but this is meeting with mixed results. I so want to be there for her as she struggles to go it alone. But I must confess that I am terribly confused.
Yes, her house is full of photos and areas dedicated to her late husband. Yes, she has many photos in her bedroom. She talks about him quite a bit and posts "memories" of him on her facebook page. She says that she is grieving and trying to rebuild at the same time. She is prone to mood swings and sometimes I don't know what I've done to upset her. An example of this is I told her that I tried to put myself in her shoes but I can't. I don't understand and never will be able to understand what she is going through. I have never lost a spouse. I have had my fair share of traumatic experiences over my life time and have expressed to her that I am empathetic and caring to her loss and want to be there. She heard "you can't know what it's like to be in my shoes. You insult me". Ugh.
To be clear, I have my own baggage. Mostly surrounding the feeling of being wanted/liked - being heard. She has told me in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want to have to care for me emotionally. She has herself, her practice, and her kids to worry about. I don't get a good feeling in my stomach about this. It makes me feel like I can't be human and make mistakes or have emotional wants and needs.
She is a very private woman. She has kept our relationship from everyone and that is uncomfortable to me. Her reason is that she is concerned about being judged by folks around her for going too fast into dating and not grieving properly. I struggle with that. A quote that I like ""Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." is my tenet. I don't know why people need to be judgmental of this but I am respecting her wishes yet it is hard.
Her children are wonderful. One of them is struggling with severe anxiety and treats her horribly at times - swearing, bullying, and being physical with her. The other is a doll. I get along well with them but only as "Hopeful13" helping mom sell stuff on eBay.
So early on she was cautious, then she jumped in with both feet, now is cautious again. I don't what the heck to do. I've read almost all the posts here and elsewhere on the topic. I get that 9 months is not a long time since his passing yet her messages have been mixed (from great to stand offish). I get that we have been dating only 2 months.
Am I in over my head? Is she ready? I don't know. I do know that I have fallen in love with this wonderful woman and I am so very confused.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. I know the written word is tough to express versus the spoken word. If I have misspoken or things haven't come across clearly, please ask for clarification.
I have never posted to any site before about dating so try and be compassionate.
Thank you.
Hopeful13
@Hopeful13,
Maybe she felt things were moving too fast, have you asked her? 2 months is not a long time to be dating, especially if she just lost her husband 9 months ago.
Yes. I have. She has said so as have I. I really don't know what moving too fast is. Honestly. I lead with my heart.
She has been widowed less than a year.
That is a very short period of time.
She, and her children, have a lot of grieving left to do. I hope they have access to personal and family counselling.
If you're able to consider this a casual dating relationship - go with it. If you need it to be more serious, be prepared for it not to go that way and decide if you can be on the fringes of her life for several years.
A very good friend of mine was widowed just over five years ago - and it is only two months since she stopped using various photos of herself and her late husband as her FB profile photos.
@Hopeful13,
That's a lot for her to take on so soon, and she has to make her kids her priority. You are in a completely different place in your life.
ehBeth.
Thank you.
They are not getting the counseling you suggest. Being on the "outside", I see the issues her boy is having and they ring true to my son and his experiences when we got divorced. I am concerned for her very much that he is going to go down a path that is fraught with peril.
She was his nurse for 3 years as he lived at home. He passed in what is now their dining room. She has terrible nightmares, highly stressed, and very anxious. I worry about her greatly but feel totally helpless.
As for living on the fringes for several years. Yikes! Is that how relationships all go with those who lose a spouse? I would appreciate other's stories in this area.
She has shared some negative experiences with her late husband (physical abuse, sex that made her angry, etc) but she is so attached to his memory - missing him, saying kind words about him etc.
I don't know how to process all this.
Tiger81 -
I agree with you. The part I am struggling with is I want to help and be there for her.
@Hopeful13,
You need to be careful that you don't slip into the role of caregiver/therapist with this woman and her family.
You can be encouraging and supportive but part of that encouragement could be toward her joining a grief support group if she's not prepared for individual or family therapy. They really do help many people.
For your own health and sanity, try to stay somewhat detached. Again, look at this as a casual relationship. 'Don't expect it to become anything permanent/long-term/serious. She has a lot of work to do before she's truly ready to move on to her next significant relationship. The volatility you report is very normal this early in the grief process.
@Hopeful13,
Hopeful13 wrote: She has terrible nightmares, highly stressed, and very anxious.
This is something for her to work with a professional on.
If it comes up in conversation ask her if she's spoken to her doctor about it. Be prepared for her to be angry that you think she needs help with processing the grief.
Thank you all. This has been great.
Any more words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
One thing that I have noticed is that there are a lot of books, pages, sites etc for the widow/widower.
What I haven't been able to find is (don't take this wrong) "Dating a Widow for Men". One might think that if I have to ask if there is a book, I'm in the wrong market. Another might think that it is thoughtful that I am looking.
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.
Really - I stopped reading when you said his death was 9 months ago.
NO WAY is she ready for any kind of romantic relationship.
NO WAY is she ready to take down the "shrines" now in all of the rooms.
NO WAY is having all these emotional outbursts and ups and downs unusual.
You may be the right man at the wrong time. You may even be a "transitional" man (very common for widows).
I suggest that you step back and let her call you.
She needs professional help, or at least grief group counseling. You are not her therapist, so stop trying to "help out" in any way except being a friend.
Been there, done that. She is not ready for anything right now. The familiy is just now coming out of shock.
@PUNKEY,
Agreeing with Punkey.
A wise woman on A2k, Noddy, commented several times that she took it as two years as a minimum to get going in regular life. Well, regular is my word, not Noddy's. She's a poster well worth looking up, dear to a lot of us early a2kers. I figure that in differing circumstances that timeline varies, but fast, when you loved the spouse, is not immediate. For sex, I figure that's often, but love?
Even if you despised your spouse, there is a lot of emotion going on.
@ossobucotemp,
I would have to agree, I got involved 6 months after leaving my husband and it was too soon! And that's not dealing with a death.
hopeful, you seem like a really nice guy, but I think you need to move her to the friend zone, she needs time to heal.
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.
What is a "transitional man"?
Thanks
Thank you.
This is so tragic. My partner must be suffering so much. I will have to follow her lead. I can't just walk away.
Stay on the periphery for several years knowing that there is a high likelihood my heart will be broken. But not to the extent she must be experiencing...
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