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Tue 30 Aug, 2016 10:19 pm
New to the form so I don't know where to start. We'll talk in general, I'll get more specific later on. Here's my story in a nutshell. Good bad & the ugly. Beautiful family that everyone seems to envy. Married many years, kids, live-in Monster MIL. I take responsibility that it got this far. I never set any boundaries and now the ship is sinking. I always had good intentions, love my kids, love my wife. Loyal, dedicated, hardworking, self-sacrificial, sensitive with a good heart. Struggling for a long time what to do. Trying to keep the family in-tact,but my wife has not defended the integrity of her family and me her husband no matter what I do. The MIL ended up here due to circumstances and literally has taken over here. Angry, bitter, divorced, man-hating negative woman (need I say more?) who failed her own marriage had damn near close to destroying mine. My wife refuses to do what's necessary to defend her family. I feel like and treated like a 3rd class citizen in my own home. I am sole provider and yet get no respect from the "alleged" adults, son of course the kids model this behavior. They are smart enough to know what's goin on, despite their continuous brainwashing by "granma" who has declared her biblical hatred towards me, and vows to get me out of the family,'put me in jail , and tells my wife she should seek a new man. It only gets worse from there. She is a god-awful person, but always shut down by my wife. Will not listen. Why should she? Everything she gets, shows no appreciation and idiot me keeps on doing it. I'm the opposite of the alpha male, to put it nicely. Any time I've stood up for myself or family, I get put down and screamed at, and wife often joins her instead of defending me. If I argue or raise my voice, I'm causing chaos and scandal and unstable. So, now, I do the opposite. IGNORE the MIL like she doesn't exist, and avoid her like the plague when in the vicinity. To give you an example of her love and kindness towards me, i broke my foot earlier this year. MILs words were "good u deserve that,'god got you, and hope you break the other foot" Real slanderous and abusive. I don't want to live this way any more. Wife fine with status quo. Sometimes plays victim in the middle. I love my kids don't want to be away from them to watch them grow. I never missed one event in any of their lives, always involved in school, for bad or good, and even recently sat with my family thru hours and hours of home videos since our marriage, them as babies and all occasions thru the years - solely bc I was behind the camera. Most cases I wasn't in the picture but my voice is there!! The MIL would like nothing for me to disappear. Not important what she thinks, except when my wife gives credence to this and kids get sucked into grandma said this about dad, why does grandma hate dad so much. We are just a nuclear family witj estranged relatives so it's just us. Yet MIL seems hell bent on decreasing that number. ALL the relatives I've talked to know all about MIL and have said I will never have a marriage as long as she lives here. There's more but you get the drift. Please provide thoughts. Wife will not goto counseling, and has no influence but her mental mom. Really she's seriously ill and is destroying me so far I am struggling with depression. Everyone eho knows me knows I'm a good happy go-lucky humorous person. Thanks.
@TroubleNMarriage,
If your wife won't go to counseling, then go alone. Figure out either how to live with this, or extricate yourself from it.
Thx for reply. My goal is to exhaust all possibilities to save my marriage. Learn to act alpha male in the sense to stand up for my family and get respect. Dot know if that's possible as the odds are stacked against me. Truth is, I know if that awful MIL get the blank out of my house we have a chance to save this marriage. MIL has my wife AND children's ears all day to slander me and poison them. So far from reality. I actually want a divorce from the MIL not my wife. They came to be thru 3 generations of ONLY dominant women. Grandmother (in-law) who was a wonderful golden woman treated me like her own son (the way it ought to be), was all family oriented, and a bucket of water when it came to conflict. Even she told her daughter to bud out at times. Since she died my wife and her mom grew this unhealthy co-dependency. The MIL on the other hand is a can of gasoline, looking to start and exacerbate every opportunity and keep arguments on-going. Even after my wife and I made up or got over it. So, the grandfather died, and my wife's father divorced the MIL and so I'm living in the shadow of the FIL, and paying for his "transgressions". How do I fight against that??? My wife doesn't know how to be a wife. What even modest unity for the children's sake. Ultimately, if I extract myself, I will leave my kids to that demon MIL to ruin another generation?? That's what she wants anyway. Why should I give HER what she wants. I am suffering mightily, depressed and wrought with constant anxiety. Please advise further.
@TroubleNMarriage,
Help your MIL find another place to live. Even if it's next door, that will be helpful.
And cut the alpha male crap. You're not a werewolf, you're a person.
Please advise further. She will not go. I need help. I've tried to "live with it" for the sake of the kids. But this MIL makes a toxic environment and impossible to be there. I can't be myself and walk on eggshells in my own home. MIL is a control freak (literally sleeps with tv remote in her pocket) kids confused. Do I have any legal recourse to kick the MIL out? What kind of example (self-criticism ) am I for my kids when I can't take on MIL? She is an animal really. And when I do go up against her, she plays victim and wife rushes to her side and kids obviously don't like if I yell at "grandma". However all MIL does is scream and yell all day.
@TroubleNMarriage,
TroubleNMarriage wrote: I am suffering mightily, depressed and wrought with constant anxiety.
Get yourself to counselling asap.
You need help with your marriage as well as the overall family situation.
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You may need to let your wife know that it is getting close to a deal-breaker situation.
___
Above all else, I think it's important that the children understand that the dynamics in the home are not normal, not acceptable.
Go to counselling for your children, at the very least.
@TroubleNMarriage,
TroubleNMarriage wrote:Ultimately, if I extract myself, I will leave my kids to that demon MIL to ruin another generation?? T
Why wouldn't the children go with you? based on your description, that would be the healthiest option.
No it's not normal or acceptable. My wife plays 2 ends against the middle. I do everything she asks me to, and no appreciation. At times when we're out,me away from MIL, wife becomes nicer. And she seems happier and light hearted. Wife in my estimation is AFRAID to stand up to MIL. Even though my wife could be quite aggressive towards me.
In fact 90+ percent of ALL our arguments is around MIL. Why is my marriage defined by MIL???
Kids loyalty is divided. They don't know who to side with. The other day one of my daughters gave me a hug and I swear MIL said to her "why did you hug that bastard? Traitor" It gets sicker than that - I would offend all of you if I repeat what MIL says and does. I told my wife and she's in denial. For ex "no she didn't say that". It's maddening. At times I have to leave the house to cool off or lock myself in my room. What am I a fkn child? It's unbelievable and unbearable.
@TroubleNMarriage,
Go for counselling.
Plan some events for you, your wife and your children. Picnic, family movie night, little league game. Whatever. Get out of the house without your MIL.
Suggest , through your wife, that your MIL find some activities outside of the house that do not involve your family. The dynamics aren't healthy for her either.
Arrange for counselling. It sounds like you, your wife and your children need professional help.
Thanks. Good ideas. Again counseling with wife and kids never will happen - it's mocked by them. Yes MIL needs her own life. Her goal
Is to destroy me and my marriage. My wife dismisses all of this. I approached other family members to help but refuse to get involved. They agree and understand what's going on completely but won't do anything. And I mean things like just talk to my wife to get another POV. I've asked her dad to come over and see his grandchildren several times. (He did for a while last year and then he stopped ). Actually said he will NEVER come over while THAT woman is in my house (MIL). FIL is no picnic but kids like seeing him and house was quiet when he came. He says he feels for me and 30 years ago MIL was the problem. And now in your marriage she still problem!! and so what? What am I supposed to do with that? I'm married to the daughter, not MIL!!
I sometimes feel I have no choice to walk or escape and look forward to Momdays when I go to work. That's not right.
@TroubleNMarriage,
It's obvious that your situation is not going to change unless you change. Move out and let them find out how things work without a financial provider.
Your children will come around once they see that they're living in a mad house. Perhaps your wife will wake up and realize that her mother is causing her more harm than good, but don't bank on it. Your wife is not willing to work on her marriage as it stands now, she's happy with the status quo, so it is up to you to make a move and removing yourself from this toxic environment is the only option you have right now. Move out!!
@TroubleNMarriage,
How old are your children ?
I would caution against moving out as it will leave your wife and MIL in possession of the home. Does your wife work ?
Kids 11 and 14. Moving out could cause legal issues. No my wife doesn't work currently. Yes you're all right about nothing changing unless an act of God or I do something myself. I don't know wha that is. Ultimatums and words will not sway my wife. :-(.
@TroubleNMarriage,
Start with counselling for yourself.
Your children need help as well, but that can happen after you have started counselling.
Your wife may realize that things are coming to an end for the relationship when she learns you've taken the step to begin counselling on your own.
@ehBeth,
I do appreciate your replies. Counseling to her is like taking he dirty laundry out to strangers and paranoid that in trying to set her up. I really wish folks could witness first hand what I go thru on a daily basis. I am everyone's scapegoat and blame for everything.
This MIL seeks to undermine me at every turn. Even though I go out of my way to avoid and ignore her. But her blatant arrogance she knows she gets away with everything to belittle me and show my family I'm "not in charge or worthy of respect ". For example last night. I ran home from work early to take my kid to the doc. Came home after to eat. Sat at table, MIL sleeping I turned on the news. Immediately she wakes up an changes the channel. I told my wife I am watching something while I eat and change t back. MIL keeps changing it and then goes into a tirade of "who does this **** think he is? He's not the boss here,he doesn't belong here" yada yada. I removed myself and went on he porch and my WIFE said "it was so quiet when I wasn't home" well of course !! The MILs #1 target wasn't home yet. And then says "I"
Start with her mother. And give no peace in home. I'm like WTF? It's not like she was even watching anything and was sleeping. As if I don't have a right to watch my $1200 tv in the living room - ever. And that's just the little BS hat goes on. It escalated into a whole war. BTW one I stayed out of, but I'm just constantly pissed at my wife how obvious and pathetic she is to stop this. This morning for the first time, I just walked out to work without even saying a word.
@ehBeth,
Regarding "family " stuff. When we're finally out and away ourselves it's usually just fine. Also my son at times doesn't get along with my daughter and that could be hell in itself. My wife is a different person when she's with me by my self.
@TroubleNMarriage,
Could you set things up so everyone needs to leave the house for a week - some kind of reno or something? go on a short vacation with your wife and kids. MIL to make her own arrangements for that week.
talk with your family
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I still think you need personal counselling to help you work through this all with someone who is nearby and knows your community.
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