The crux of the biscuit is the apostrophe

Dated, but still good, and relevent:

JESUS THINKS YOU'RE A JERK

There's an ugly little wasel 'bout three-foot nine
Face puffed up from cryin' 'n lyin'
'Cause her sweet little hubby's
Suckin' prong part time
(In the name of The Lord)

Get a clue, little shrew
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Jesus thinks you're a jerk

Did he really choose Tammy to do His Work?
Robertson says that he's The One
Oh sure he is,
if Armageddon
Is your idea of family fun,
An' he's got some planned for you!
(Now, tell me that ain't true)

Now, what if Jimbo's slightly gay,
Will Pat let Jimbo get away?
Everything we've heard him say
Indicated that Jim must pay,
(And it just might hurt a bit)
But keep that money rollin' in,
'Cause Pat and naughty Jimbo
Can't get enough of it

Perhaps it's their idea
Of an Affirmative Action Plan
To give White Trash a 'special break';
Well, they took those Jeezo-bucks and ran
To the bank! To the bank! To the bank! To the bank!
And every night we can hear them thank
Their Buddy, up above
For sending down his love
(While you all smell the glove)

Jim and Pat should take a pole
(Right up each saintly glory-hole),
With tar and feathers too --
Just like they'd love to do to you

('Cause they think you are bad --
And they are very mad)

'Cause some folks don't want prayer in school!

(We'd need an ark to survive the drool
Of Micro-publicans, raised on hate,
And 'Jimbo-Jimbo' when they graduate)

Conviced they are 'The Chosen Ones' --
And all their parents carry guns,
And hold them cards in the N.R.A.
(With their fingers on the triggers
When they kneel and pray)

With a Ku-Klux muu-muu
In the back of the truck,
If you ain't Born Again,
They wanna mess you up, screamin':
"No abortion, no-siree!"
"Life's too precious, can't you see!"
(What's that hangin' from the neighbor's tree?
Why, it looks like 'colored folks' to me --
Would THEY do THAT...seriously?)

Imagine if you will
A multi-millionaire Television Evangelist,
Saved from Korean Combat duty by his father, a U.S. Senator

Studied Law --
But is not qualified to practice it

Father of a "love child"
Who, in adulthood, hosts the remnants
Of papa's religious propaganda program

Claims not to be a "Faith Healer",
But has, in the past,
Dealt stearnly with everything from hemorrhoids to hurricanes

Involved with funding for a 'secret war' in Central America
Claiming Ronald Reagan and Oliver North as close friends

Involved in suspicous 'tax-avoidance schemes',
(Under investigation for 16 months by the I.R.S.)

Claims to be a MAN OF GOD;
Currenty seeking the United States Presidency,
Hoping we will all follow him into --
The Twilight Zone

What if Pat gets in the White House,
And suddenly --
The rights of 'certain people' disappear
Mysteriously?

Now, wouldn't that sort of qualify
As an American Tragedy?
(Especially if he covers it up, sayin'
"Jesus told it to me!")

I hope we never see that day,
In The Land of The Free --
Or someday will we?
Will we?

And if you don't know by now,
The truth of what I'm tellin' you,
Then, surely I have failed somehow --

And Jesus will think I'm a jerk, just like you --
If you let those TV Preachers
Make a monkey out of you!

I said:
"Jesus will think you're a jerk"
And it will be true!

There's an old rugged cross
In the land of cutton --
It's still burnin' on somebody's lawn
And it still smells rotten

Jim and Tammy!
Oh, baby!
You gotta go!
You really got to go!

Oh good one, cav!

I'm guessing it might be a good thing that Frank is dead cause this "God told me to" do stuff would really set him off.

I have a lovely dog named Tammy Faye Bakker (we call her Bakker).

(And did I mention a cat named Biscuit?)

lol I saw the thread title and knew EXACTLY what this one was..

POOFTERS FROTH WYOMING PLANS AHEAD

Poofters Froth, Wyoming,
March Eleven Sixty-Seven
Take a letter, Miss Abetter
as our pigeons will be homin'.

To our jobbers in Dakota
And to Merwyn, Minnesota
This is merely just a note about
Performance to our quota

Well, we've all come out to show dem,
And the Elks have helped us
Load 'em
Little packets full of jackets
Little rackets, little rackets

Little Poofter-Cloth Appointments
Little Pofter's Froth Anointments
Little hoods, little goods
Little doo-dads from the woods

The entire stock is shipping
Oh our shod is hardly slipping
To the markets of the world
Our wrinkled pennants are unfurled!

T-shirt racks, rubber snacks,
Poster rolls with matching tacks
Yes, a special beer for sports
(and paper cups that hold two quarts!)

Everything a nation needs
For making hoopla while it feeds
The trash compactors, small reactors,
Mowers, blowers, throwers & the glowers:

This is Buy-Cent-Any-All Salute(HYULK!)
Two hundred years have gone ka-poot!
Ah but we have been astute!
Signed: Anon. - Wyo. Galoot!

This one always got me wanting to live in Montana:

MONTANA

I might be movin' to Montana soon
Just to raise me up a crop of
Dental Floss

Raisin' it up
Waxen it down
In a little white box
That I can sell uptown

By myself I wouldn't
Have no boss,
But I'd be raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss

Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss

Well I just might grow me some bees
But I'd leave the sweet stuff
To somebody else . . . but then, on the other hand Iwould

Keep the wax
N' melt it down
Pluck some Floss
N' swish it aroun'

I'd have me a crop
An' it'd be on top (that's why I'm movin' to Montana)

Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a Dental Floss tycoon (yes I am)
Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a mennil-toss flykune

I'm pluckin' the ol'
Dennil Floss
That's growin' on the prairie
Pluckin' the floss!
I plucked all day an' all nite an' all
Afternoon . . .

I'm ridin' a small tiny hoss
(His name is MIGHTY LITTLE)
He's a good hoss
Even though
He's a bit dinky to strap a big saddle or
Blanket on anyway
He's a bit dinky to strap a big saddle or
Blanket on anyway
Any way

I'm pluckin' the ol'
Dennil Floss
Even if you think it is a little silly, folks
I don't care if you think it's silly, folks
I don't care if you think it's silly, folks

I'm gonna find me a horse
Just about this big,
An' ride him all along the border line

With a
Pair of heavy-duty
Zircon-encrusted tweezers in my hand
Every other wrangler would say
I was mighty grand

By myself I wouldn't
Have no boss,
But I'd be raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss

Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss
Raisin' my lonely
Dental Floss

Well I might
Ride along the border
With my tweezers gleamin'
In the moon-lighty night

And then I'd
Get a cuppa cawfee
N' give my foot a push . . .
Just me 'n the pygmy pony
Over the Dennil Floss Bush

N' then I might just
Jump back on
An' ride
Like a cowboy
Into the dawn to Montana

Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)
Movin' to Montana soon
(Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay)

I figured the title would draw in the fans!

I love this part of that one:

Every thing a nation needs
For making hoopla while it feeds
The trash compactors, small reactors,
Mowers, blowers, throwers & the glowers

I think fishin' likes Zappa's business songs!

Nah. He didn't really have many songs that I didn't like. You should have named your dog "Evelyn".

Evelyn, A Modified Dog:

Evelyn, a modified dog
Viewed the quivering fringe of a special doily
Draped across the piano, with some surprise

In the darkened room
Where the chairs dismayed
And the horrible curtains
Muffled the rain
She could hardly believe her eyes

A curious breeze
A garlic breath
Which sounded like a snore
Somewhere near the Steinway (or even from within)
Had caused the doily fringe to waft tremble in the gloom

Evelyn, a dog, having undergone
Further modification
Pondered the significance of short-person behavior
In pedal-depressed panchromatic resonance
And other highly ambient domains...

"Arf!" she said

Every time I have breakfast with Quinn and I reach for a muffin I start singing this one. (She thinks I'm strange!)

THE MUFFIN MAN

The Muffin Man is seated at the table in the laboratory of the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen... Reaching for an oversized chrome spoon he gathers an intimate quantity of dried muffin remnants and brushing his scapular aside
procceds to dump these inside of his shirt...
He turns to us and speaks:

SOME PEOPLE LIKE CUPCAKES BETTER. I FOR ONE CARE LESS FOR THEM!

Arrogantly twisting the sterile canvas snoot of a fully charged icing anointment utensil he poots forths a quarter-ounce green rosette (oh ah yuk
yuk... let's try that again...!) He poots forth a quarter-ounce green rosette near the summit of a dense but radiant muffin of his own design.
Later he says:

SOME PEOPLE... SOME PEOPLE LIKE CUPCAKES EXCLUSIVELY, WHILE MYSELF, I SAY THERE IS NAUGHT NOR OUGHT THERE BE NOTHING SO EXALTED ON THE FACE OF GOD'S GREY
EARTH AS THAT PRINCE OF FOODS... THE MUFFIN!

Girl you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin
He hung around till you found
That he didn't know nuthin'

Girl you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin'
No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin'

Bruce Fowler on trombone, Napoleon Murphy Brock on tenor sax, and lead vocals, Terry Bozzio on drums, Tom Fowler on bass, Denny Walley on slide, George Duke on keyboards, Captain Beefheart on vocals, and soprano sax, and madness. Thank you very much for coming to the concert tonight. Hope you enjoyed it. Goodnight
Austin, Texas, where ever you are!

Who would have guessed you were such a Zappa fan, fishin?

I once embarrased Little Mo and Mr. B by being unable to stop singing "St. Alfonso's Pancake Breakfast" at the fire department pancake breakfast. (They remained embarrased even though I didn't steal the margarine.)

My next dog shall be Evelyn!

Plastic People
Brown Shoes Don't Make It

hehe Just between you and me (and anyone else that reads this!) *whispering* I still have a whole stack of Zappa 8-track tapes sitting right here in my den.

One Size Fits All, Hot Rats, Zoot Allures, Bongo Fury, Joe's Garage (acts I & II ). I used to go see him in concert every year. There was an opening bad out of Long Island called "The Good Rats" that was just as good as he was.

Hi edgar! Thanks for joining in.

8 tracks? No wonder you're whispering.

I saw Zappa only once but it was on my actual honest to goodness birthday and it was amazing. It was probably around 1983 and he traveled with a full orchestra. It was one of my very best birthdays out of many wonderful birthdays.

I guess I should confess that most of my Zappa is out in the garage wasting away with my U2 demo disk, Devo picture disk and a beautiful pepto bismal pink vinyl Teenage Jesus album.

<sigh>

I did recently come across the "Strictly Commercial" CD at my favorite used music store so I've had a chance to listen to some Zappa lately.

My (very miniscule) kingdom for a turntable!

I no longer have Zappa in my collection. My first wife gave them away and I never got around to replacing them.

Having never been an ex-wife, I can only say.... good ridence to bad rubbish, edgar.

Mr. B does, on occasion, threaten to dispose of my vinyl. I just tell him he'd better get used to doing his own <bleep> laundry and his own <bleep> cooking and his own <bleep> hands and his own <bleep> everything else because I know that somewhere out there, there is a judge who will grant me a divorce based on his <bleep bleep bleep bleep> actions and who might actually sentence him to life in prison.

Bend over baby... here comes my bullet.

(or has that been mentioned already?)

And another thing: boomerang is a Frank Zappa fan? Wow!

I had her pegged for New Kids on the Block.

Give me
Your dirty love
Just like your mama
Make her fuzzy poodle do
(Oh, Frenchie . . . )

Give me
Your dirty love
The way your mama
Make that nasty poodle chew

I'll ignore your cheap aroma
And your little-bo-peep diploma
I'll just put you in a coma
With some dirty love
Some dirty love
That dirty love
That dirty love

THE POODLE BITES!
(Come on, Frenchie)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Snap it!)


That one is for you, Gus!

(Although, whatshisface, Marky Mark, was a "New Kid" and we all know how sexy he is now.)

Billy was a mountain.
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder....