Need help finding a sci fi book....

I read one book from a series several years ago, misplaced it after moving and now can't remember the title, author, etc. If the general story sounds familiar, please let me know! Thanks!

Basically the book takes place in another universe, but parallels a far past or far future that resembles an ancient chinese culture. I want to say even the names sounded "eastern." It is about a young girl whose father (or guardian, I can't remember) dies, leaving her the sole heir of the "fiefdom," except she has to marry, otherwise she leaves herself open to anyone with a stronger army taking her land away from her. She ends up marrying an awful brute who is abusive to her, and bears him a son(I think anyway.....). She ultimately plays "politics" in the home and uses something the husband said against him and he ends up dying for it. She now has "control" of her home, but ends up having to bring in "dishonored and lordless" mercenaries in order to protect her home from other warlords, etc.
I also remember the book having this race of giant bees or ants (some kind of intelligent colony insect), that pledge their loyalty to the girl after the girl meets the queen of the colony.

I realize this is jumbled, but hopefully it rings a bell with someone out there. I remember some things vividly (like the husband's redhaired mistress who was beautiful and had almond shaped eyes), but other things are very vague. I've checked websites, etc, but can't find anything close. Any information is appreciated.

Thanks!

Jade