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Husband looks at porn and lied

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My husband and I have been together for 3.5 years. When we started dating I told him I was not ok with him looking at porn. I came from a bad relationship previously and struggled with eating and self image issues. He promised me he would never look, and told me throughout our relationship that he wasnt looking. A few weeks ago I found out he has been looking all our relationship. We have a one year old and he would leave us to go to the bathroom for extended periods of time or do it when I was asleep or gone for work. Am I wrong to be upset if I explained clearly from the beginning that this was not ok with me, and that he lied repetitively to hide it? He keeps saying all guys look at porn and that lots of women are ok with it. He admitted he thought some of the women he searched were hotter than me, but he promises he never once got off to it. There were periods where he searched porn every day. Now he is trying to make things work. Am i wrong to be so upset still? How do I move forward?

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[+4] - Tes yeux noirs - 06/05/2016All I see in your question is what you want, your needs, your requirements, your issues, your eating problems, what you will allow or not allow him to do. Nothing about him and what he might need....

All I see in your question is what you want, your needs, your requirements, your issues, your eating problems, what you will allow or not allow him to do. Nothing about him and what he might need. If this is how you see the relationship, perhaps this is why he looks at other women, even if only in pictures at the moment. Try not to be so controlling.

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Also it seems you spy on him. Enough to make any man go jerk off in the bathroom.

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@Sjk709,

Quote:

I was not ok with him looking at porn.

That's like telling a kid that you are not okay with him eating candy.

Quote:

He promised me he would never look, and told me throughout our relationship that he wasnt looking.

That's like a kid promising his mom that he will never ever eat candy. Then lie about not eating candy. A kid not eating candy. See how long that promise last.

He, just like millions of men all over the world, has a strong urge to watch porn. Porn videos, porn magazines, internet porn, etc.. He can't just snap his finger and make the urge go away. Some men watch porn excessively. Some men watch porn only occasionally. I suspect that it is uncommon to find a man who never watches porn. Especially a young man who in his sexual prime. This applies to both single and married men.

Suggest that the two of you have a open and honest discussion. Tell him all of your concerns about him watching porn. Don't hold back anything. Also encourage him to tell you why he is unable to abstain from watching porn. It is very important that he doesn't hold back anything. You might want to discuss possible parameters for when he is watching porn. Maybe a compromise can be worked out. Then again maybe not.

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@Real Music,

I am not sure I like the kid analogy.

Most men look at porn, at least occasionally. If a man is in a monogamous sexual relationship, and that relationship isn't going well, pornography offers a pretty easy and safe way to get what you need. Adult pornography doesn't hurt anyone, doesn't have any risk of disease and and can supplement an existing sexual relationship (for example a marriage).

You have to decide whether you want to continue in the marriage. When you love someone, you love who they are... not who you want them to be.

The chance that you are going to be able to force your husband (or any man) to change what is a fairly common behavior that meets a normal sexual need is pretty small. Human beings don't work that way. If you try, you are likely to make him miserable and yourself miserable.

I would recommend you accept reality and work with the marriage you have unless there are other things that make you decide it's not worth the effort. If you don't choose to stick with the marriage, then it will be best for everyone to just end it with as little drama as possible.

It is possible that you will be able to find a man with a much weaker sex drive.

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@maxdancona,

Quote:

Most men look at porn, at least occasionally. If a man is in a monogamous sexual relationship, and that relationship isn't going well, pornography offers a pretty easy and safe way to get what you need. Adult pornography doesn't hurt anyone, doesn't have any risk of disease and and can supplement an existing sexual relationship (for example a marriage).

You have to decide whether you want to continue in the marriage. When you love someone, you love who they are... not who you want them to be.

The chance that you are going to be able to force your husband (or any man) to change what is a fairly common behavior that meets a normal sexual need is pretty small. Human beings don't work that way. If you try, you are likely to make him miserable and yourself miserable.

I would recommend you accept reality and work with the marriage you have unless there are other things that make you decide it's not worth the effort. If you don't choose to stick with the marriage, then it will be best for everyone to just end it with as little drama as possible.

It is possible that you will be able to find a man with a much weaker sex drive.

You are preaching to the choir. I completely agree with you. We are both essentially saying the same thing. The only difference is I suggested that she and her husband have an open honest discussion. I suggested that they discuss (POSSIBLE) compromises. For example: Don't watch porn when she is home. If not that, whatever parameters they can both agree to. Other than that we are saying pretty much the same thing.

Maybe I could have used a different analogy rather than the kid analogy. The basic message is still the same.

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@Sjk709,

I informed my husband that I was not jealous of pieces of paper or girls on film that he would never meet. For me it was a non-issue.

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@Sjk709,

Porn is a fantasy no more that seeing yourself blast one over the green monster at Fenway Park.
It's symbolism is used to arouse the fantasy of a contact however, most men and women would never take it too a real situation. Men attach a significance of control in a role play situation-and that activity is well beyond what they would ever do.
In plainer terms a man finds the sexual encounter enticing but would never get within 20 feet of that stank even with your your----fill in the the term here.

Remember Ann Landers-If a marriage is on the rocks those rocks are always found in the bed.

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