4
   

Is this "Mean girl" behavior.

 
 
Reply Tue 8 Mar, 2016 06:34 pm
My daughter's "friends" group message her about things they are doing to which she is not invited. When she recently asked them to not include her in a group message about something she was not invited to, three of them attacked her as being immature and called her names rather than simply saying they did not intend to hurt her feelings. I'm not sure how to advise my daughter. To me this seems like the kind of "exclusion" cliques of girls use in junior high, but I'm not sure whether I feel that way because my daughter feels offended.
 
Lilkanyon
 
  2  
Reply Tue 8 Mar, 2016 08:32 pm
@mom4life,
I really hate this social media thing. They didnt face her. They Said things on the internet. I would question if they had the same confidence in person. Kids say terrible things. Maybe talk to your daughters friends parents about what was said. If I was that parent, I would wanna know. I would not wanna raise a bully bitch.
mom4life
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Mar, 2016 08:57 pm
@Lilkanyon,
Thanks for your insight. I think some of the messages were in group texts, which frankly seems to indicate they purposely made sure she was informed even though uninvited. I appreciate another perspective.
Lilkanyon
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Mar, 2016 09:05 pm
@mom4life,
Or they were t aware she was part of that group? Are you friends with any of her friends parents? I hope so...maybe you parents can fix this...no parent wants their child to feel alienated
0 Replies
 
onevoice
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Mar, 2016 12:30 pm
@mom4life,
Simply put... Don't over think it... Undoubtedly yes. Excluding her, then making a point to send her messages about things they are doing, and blaming her for getting upset. Wow. Talk about manipulation. The best advise you could give her is to walk away from those Yahoo's and find some real friends.
Lilkanyon
 
  1  
Reply Sat 12 Mar, 2016 07:07 pm
@onevoice,
onevoice wrote:

Simply put... Don't over think it... Undoubtedly yes. Excluding her, then making a point to send her messages about things they are doing, and blaming her for getting upset. Wow. Talk about manipulation. The best advise you could give her is to walk away from those Yahoo's and find some real friends.

As an adult, that makes perfect sense. For kids, not so much. They have an absolute pathological need to fit in, even when abused. We forget, after we leave school, we have no need for those morons anymore. But when in school, noone wants to be isolated. And if they are neighborhood friends, that could be even more difficult. Being the parent of a teenager is harder today then ever before, the old advice just doesnt work anymore.
onevoice
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Mar, 2016 08:25 am
@Lilkanyon,
Quote:
As an adult, that makes perfect sense. For kids, not so much. They have an absolute pathological need to fit in, even when abused. We forget, after we leave school, we have no need for those morons anymore. But when in school, noone wants to be isolated. And if they are neighborhood friends, that could be even more difficult. Being the parent of a teenager is harder today then ever before, the old advice just doesnt work anymore.


So what do you suggest then? Allow them to continue manipulating her and tell her "It's OK, kids just do that, and one day you won't be there and it won't matter any more?" It's a hundred times worse now than it ever was when we were in school and the answer STILL isn't for her to stand up for herself?

And the thing is it WILL still matter to her years down the line because for her... During a time when her brain is making vital connections about herself and the world she lives in she is being told and treated like she has little value to anyone "that matters". How can people honestly think that doesn't carry over to adulthood in some way? Even if for most it is subconscious.

It carried over for my bullies. At our 20 year highschool reunion I was in line to get a beer behind two of the three muskytears (as the leader of the pack couldn't make it) and they began whispering and glancing at me as we waited, in an honest attempt to make me feel insecure. I was like seriously?! Lol omg.

That night was my moment of justice. Oh yes it was. Smile Think about it though... 20 years later these girls had not moved one inch from the emotional hold they thought they still had on me. 20 YEARS. Now that's pathetic.
Lilkanyon
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Mar, 2016 08:37 pm
@onevoice,
onevoice wrote:

Quote:
As an adult, that makes perfect sense. For kids, not so much. They have an absolute pathological need to fit in, even when abused. We forget, after we leave school, we have no need for those morons anymore. But when in school, noone wants to be isolated. And if they are neighborhood friends, that could be even more difficult. Being the parent of a teenager is harder today then ever before, the old advice just doesnt work anymore.


So what do you suggest then? Allow them to continue manipulating her and tell her "It's OK, kids just do that, and one day you won't be there and it won't matter any more?" It's a hundred times worse now than it eve
r was when we were in school and the answer STILL isn't for her to stand up for herself?

And the thing is it WILL still matter to her years down the line because for her... During a time when her brain is making vital connections about herself and the world she lives in she is being told and treated like she has little value to anyone "that matters". How can people honestly think that doesn't carry over to adulthood in some way? Even if for most it is subconscious.

It carried over for my bullies. At our 20 year highschool reunion I was in line to get a beer behind two of the three muskytears (as the leader of the pack couldn't make it) and they began whispering and glancing at me as we waited, in an honest attempt to make me feel insecure. I was like seriously?! Lol omg.

That night was my moment of justice. Oh yes it was. Smile Think about it though... 20 years later these girls had not moved one inch from the emotional hold they thought they still had on me. 20 YEARS. Now that's pathetic.


Your story is exactly my point! I dealt with same thing in college. Where a girl I went to highschool with thought she had the same influence on me there then she did in highschool. She didnt. My point is, highschool is more nasty now due to social media. And parents have a harder job controlling it. The pressure to 'conform' is immense. And telling kids to walk off is not easy. I remember my days in school. To walk off was to have no friends. I wished my mother was more involved with the entire parents of the neighborhood. Maybe that would mean something. Parental involvement is crucial.
onevoice
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 06:13 am
@Lilkanyon,
Quote:
Your story is exactly my point! I dealt with same thing in college. Where a girl I went to highschool with thought she had the same influence on me there then she did in highschool. She didnt. My point is, highschool is more nasty now due to social media. And parents have a harder job controlling it. The pressure to 'conform' is immense. And telling kids to walk off is not easy. I remember my days in school. To walk off was to have no friends. I wished my mother was more involved with the entire parents of the neighborhood. Maybe that would mean something. Parental involvement is crucial.


I understand completely. I was the one who walked away in the 10th grade. Freshman year was bad because not only did I have my class picking on me about being short and what not, suddenly three more classes worth of kids joined in. It felt like everyone was involved at the time, but it really was a select few.

Then suddenly in the 10th grade the popular crowd started inviting me do to things... WITH them. I had connected with one of them briefly over the summer through a mutual love of horses, not realizing that would actually carry over to school. Either way, once the whole gang joined in and I saw how they all talked about each other behind each other's backs, I was out. That's just never been "friendship" to me.

The last two years were pretty lonely, I won't lie. I had a few friends by late in my junior year. Honest friends. People I still care about. It was worth it to me to walk out with handful of real friends. I am pretty certain that whole being invited in to their "circle" thing was a farse any way. The Queen muskytear pretty much ran the school. Anyone who "was anyone" was a minion of hers. Lol

I realize how that sounds, but I promise... I'm not making this up or feeling sorry for myself. The whole thing was pretty nuts. I thought it strange the Queen muskytear and her two primary minions were never around when I was. This was "their" circle too. Then... When I walked away the bullying rose to a whole new level. The attacks on my self esteem, the efforts to make me feel different and like I didn't fit in increased.

They often openly shamed or embarrassed me in the halls or cafeteria. Man those three girls were vicious. I am thankful beyond words that social media didn't exist back then. I honestly don't know if I could have survived. But then I realize, my God... How much worse IS it for our kids? How much? I am a firm believer that we, the adults, are their only line of defense.

If they are being bullied and can't stand up for themselves then we ought to stand with them. Teach them how. Encourage them. We can't undo what's being done but we can soften the blow by being there as a support. As someone who gives sound advice and sincerely cares about them and has their best interest in mind.

I wish my parents would have done this for me. I was kicked off the bus for lashing back (yelling at) at a couple of kids who had been Bullying me for months and was told to stop being a baby (I was crying) and received the consequence of walking to school until the suspension was up. Punished for trying to stand up for myself. I understand now that my parents really had no clue just how bad the Bullying was for me.

But be assured I never spoke to them about any of it, ever again, for fear of getting punished for "overreacting" to how others were treating me. THAT was a lonely place. To feel as though those who were supposed to be protecting me had turned their back on me too. That is what I am afraid is actually still happening to so many in today's society. Because we're kind of at a loss here about what to do, so we do nothing?

Sweep it under the rug and hope somehow they can climb their way to the top? At the very least as adults if we are made aware of such things happening we owe it to our children to stand up with them. To support them and show them we do care that they are hurting and will do what ever we can to help make that hurting stop.

It is our job as parents to teach our children it's OK to be who you are. Not everyone will like that, and that is perfectly OK. Because the ones who do are the real friends, who see you for who you are. Not who they want you to be.


Linkat
 
  3  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 08:48 am
There is not an easy solution. I have a middle schooler and have seen/still seeing things like this. A lot depends on the particular situation and your own daughter. In other words, it depends on how strong emotionally/ how confident she is.

My daughter is on a town travel basketball team. Her team excludes her and one other girl frequently from things that they do as a group. For example – they go to the boys game or high school game and either they don’t invite her and do not let them know they are all wearing their warm up shirts. The way I handled it was - we discussed it and I explained how many of these girls are friends socially and are probably not trying to be mean just they are used to hanging out together. I also talked to her about how it isn’t right to exclude you as you are all part of a team. This in part to validate her feelings. I have spoken to some of the moms about it not sure how much it really helps as it doesn’t always seem much of a concern of theirs. A big thing I do is point out the really good friends she does have and to focus on them more at least as part of friend support.

One other thing is – your child does need to learn how to resolve things herself – now that is assuming it isn’t getting too out of control. Some others things get too large and need a parent to help. I try to give advice on how she can handle it herself. The one thing is my daughter is very confindent in herself and as such has actually stepped up for friends who are bullied. It is harder for those with less conficence and in middle school most kids haven’t built that self-confidence yet.

A question – can she take herself off the group messaginng? Does she really want to be a part of this particular group of girls? If they are excluding her, wouldn’t she want to find some other friends? Other than that – you could discuss about the group text – maybe they send it this way out of ease. They are not trying to be mean, just doing what is quickest and easiest – this is not the right way of handling things, however, we cannot control others. They probably just have a certain amount of people that can go…whatever the reasonable thoughts can be and also ask her why. The idea is to get her thinking there could be other reasons not that they are being mean or purposedly not including her. And if it is that they are mean and purposedly excluding her then why would she want this group of friends?
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  3  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 08:54 am
@onevoice,
Here is another thought - if it is to the point where it is getting nasty or your daughter is particularly sensitive - talk with your guidance counselor at school. That is what their job is - if it is due to true bullying they will interfere. If it is more "normal" teen stuff - which can be quite stressful as well - they will meet with your child and help give them ways of coping and strategies to help them through these more difficult times.

My daughter did meet with guidance a couple of times - they called me - they did let me know it was more normal (in their opinion) teen stuff. My daughter said it helped to talk with the guidance counselor.

Most schools seem to be more in tune with bullying now so you should be able to find help through guidance - it is their job to make sure our kids are adjusted.
0 Replies
 
tamsta
 
  2  
Reply Fri 18 Mar, 2016 01:06 pm
@onevoice,
Hi mom4life,
In my opinion this is mean girl behavior through and through. Advise your daughter to find a new group of girls to do things with and post pictures of herself having fun with other girls and then tell the mean girls they are being immature when their feelings are hurt because they were not invited. Or take her out and have fun with YOU and post it ... Like she could care less if these mean spirited girls are out having fun together. Yes it hurts her, it would hurt anyone, show her to find her own fun (yes even if it is with her family -sarcasm implied- because we all know what junior high girls think of their family sometimes) and NOT care what the mean girls are doing- THE WHO CARES ATTITUDE!!!!. It is going to be a tough life if she doesn't grow a thick skin NOW. This is coming from someone who has spent her whole life getting her feelings hurt by others - MISS SENSITIVE . I was there and I wish I could go back in time and shake myself and say.. FORGET THOSE PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU NOW... MAKE YOUR OWN FUN... THEY ARE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.
0 Replies
 
Lilkanyon
 
  1  
Reply Fri 18 Mar, 2016 06:09 pm
I think it depends on what neighborhood you live in. Are their choices? I grew up in a rural neighborhood, about 6 kids around the same age. We all hung as a pack and not alot of choice. It was unfortunate for me.
On the other hand, my husband grew up more surburban with many more choices of friends, and he has lifetime ones now, where I have none from my teenage days.
0 Replies
 
 

 
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