My Story

Voice you're quite the writer, and I'm wondering how long this one took you, what sort of response you anticipate, how or why you use a2k

For future ref, some of us might appreciate a summary, especially hinting at what sort of response you'd like

Also shorter paras

Thanks for profile, they're rare. If you'd like to tell us (me anyway) more about yourself I am [email protected] and apparently don't care who else knows it. Best to you

I don't really expect a response .If anyone wanted to, I'd be OK with that. Though I would prefer not to be picked to pieces... I have mastered that skill quite well over the years. I have no shame of the life I have lived. It's been hard, and quite cruel at times, but not ALL bad. As a matter a fact just today after sharing that I was flooded with some good memories. Things I did with my step dad, that he taught me and what not. I smiled in thinking of him today. I treasure those memories the most I think, because for quite a long time I didnt believe that a smile could cross my face in that way again, after losing him.

I spent a considerable amount of time after starting this thread wondering how and why... In such a desperate time of life did I just keep hanging on? Why? While I was writing the first post I had a flashback to when I was 12 and I got confirmed. For the majority of my adulthood I have thought that incident when I was 11 was what discouraged me from believing in God. It was discouraging, yes...

But I went on for yet another year and got confirmed. ??? I flashed back to that little pink bible they gave me. I treasured that thing. I don't remember once ever cracking it open. Lol But it really meant something. Something changed that day I got confirmed. I remember walking out of that building literally feeling different and having no idea why. Then something happened.

I have no idea what. In those four years something changed and I suddenly, as silly as this may sound, started hating the color pink. Still to this day... I HATE that color. One of those memories I had today was when we moved into a new house and my parents surprised me by painting my entire room pink. I remember the disappointed look on their faces when I saw it for the first time.

My reaction was less than kind. I was angry. I hated that color and remember thinking, how can they live with me and not know that?! They don't know me at all! Ha! Gotta love those clueless teenage years where you actually know everything and everyone should be able to read your mind!

Thank you Voice for that response. Wonder if there's anything else you might reveal without compromising your identity

For instance, a male, I was born in 1930 in Galesburg, Ill; matriculated at age 21 from U of I without having learned much of anything. Moved to Ca a few years later to escape the cold. Writer and tech rep, I'm responsible for a number of inventions that nobody uses or cares about. As Recording Secretary of the Greater Southwest Beer-Tasting Society I love The Brew

Don't know what I'm doing here at a2k. After being tossed out of several other forums I'm supposing our leaders are much more tolerant

There are good people here. It's simple really, just don't be a douchbag and you will be fine.

Thanks Voice but douchbagism is defined in different ways

Anyhow welcome, I guess, if I'm in any position to so prescribe. But I warn you how easy to make enemies

Yes, easy to do when things are misunderstood. Which also happens easily when trying to communicate through writing. Just fyi most everything I say is intended in a light hearted manor. Never meant as a slight or directed to hurt.

pretty good basic rule for life eh

Yes, it is easy to make enemies when things are misunderstood. Which also happens frequently when trying to communicate through writing! FYI Most everything I say is intended in a light hearted manor. Never said to slight, or cause hurt.

Tue dat!

I spent the summer working as the assistant horseback director. There were plenty of things, other than what had happened, to focus on. I started my senior year that fall. I never told my parents what had happened because I didn't think they would believe me. I just started withdrawing. So much so they sent me to get some counselling. After about a month of me sitting there, refusing to even speak during our sessions, she gave up and told my parents they were wasting their money. Apparently, they then began reading books. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Too little... too late. I was long gone from them emotionally speaking, long before any of that happened.

One morning my mother approached me in the bathroom as I was getting ready for school to tell me they finally figured out what was wrong with me. I was a drug addict and an alcoholic... as I was showing ALL the symptoms of those things. A huge blow out ensued, and I came home after they left for work, packed up my car and disappeared for three months. In all actuality, I slept in my car in the parking lot of my work for three days. I did still need that $80 a week paycheck... lol I had zero concept of money at that point.

After three days this girl approached me at work. The one girl I always tried to avoid actually because she was unbelievably happy. Make you want to throw up happy. For real. She got me talking somehow though, and then took me home that night and found me a place to stay until I could get on my feet. Things were alright for a few months. I had a roof over my head. A running vehicle. I got to eat once in a while. Lol

In the meantime though, I had also continued going to school, determined to get my diploma, and was promptly B**** slapped by the school a month before graduation when they informed me I would not graduate because I was a half a credit short in English. Nevermind the fact that my entire last semester of school was electives. Somehow I just slipped right on through those cracks. So I quit school that day. Told em all to kiss off. I hated that school.

My little $80 a week check was not cutting it anymore so I found a job as a waitress at a local restaurant. That's when the creep who raped me found me, and began his relentless three month pursuit to put intimidation and terror upon me began. In the meantime the brakes on my car went bad... like dangerous bad. I took it to a local muffler and brake shop to have it inspected. He promptly informed me it would be $650 to put new brakes and rotars on all the way around, so I should just sell him my poor broken down car for $100 so he could part it out.

Yeah... I did. Which resulted in my having to walk or ride the bus to multiple jobs for around two years. Somewhere shortly there after I was out with a friend, who was really just a leech. We were walking around downtown and she wanted to go into this apparel store because there were two guys in there. I had no interest in meeting a guy or having a boyfriend, and I have never been a girly girl, so I wasn't too excited about it, but whatever, I went. She walked right over to the tall, dark, and handsome one while I went to a purse rack and tried to somehow be interested in looking at them.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see the guy she was talking to kept glancing at me. It made me really nervous because no... just no. I had a self esteem about as high as a grasshopper at that point. So I moved to a different rack further away. He walked away from her in mid sentence and came over to me. He smiled and said hello. I think I was visibly shaking, to be honest. But he was kind and he had a very gentle spirit. They invited us to hang out with them and we did.

My mind was whirling all night. I was on this crazy emotional roller coaster. Fearing the worst... that he too would try to get me drunk to take advantage of me. But he didn't. We just hung out. He had a girlfriend and I was 100 percent ok with that. Me and him separated from the other two as some point in the middle of the night and walked up to this graveyard. There was this grave on the top of a hill that he would sit at. The view was gorgeous. He said it was where he went to be alone and think.

We sat there and talked for hours. He was a recoving addict and had faced many trials along the way. He was my age by the way. Only 19. I felt safe with him and somehow worked up the courage to tell him what had happened to me. I was so terrified of how he would react I couldn't even look at him while I was talking. He didn't say a word until I was done and I finally looked up at him. He had big ol allegator tears in his eyes and he said to me, “I am so sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve that.” And then we both cried.

From that point on we became pretty much inseperable when he had time, for about six months. No relationship status, or change in that status. Just, as strange as this may sound, soulmates. We shared this connection unlike anything I had ever experienced. It had such a profound effect on me that on the way to the beach to marry my first husband, “our” song came on the radio and I knew immediately my ex was not my soulmate. Our song. Yes, we had one. Richard Marx, “Right here waiting”.

We made several road trips to various places over the course of those months, just for the sake of driving really... and the whole time we would have this song playing over and over on the tape deck, singing along at the top of our lungs. Corny, I know. I have always had a corny side. Lol It came time again to sign up to work at the Girlscout Camp and I got him a job there with me. Things were great until he started getting paid.

I was blind to what was going on at the time, so when it all came down that he was using again I felt quite blindsided. He blew up on me, blamed me for a bunch of stuff I had nothing to do with, quit and left. I have never seen him since. I wonder some days if he is ok. If he ever found happiness in life. I wish I could remember his name. Man. Anyway, he broke my heart, plain and simple. During that time I was also hanging out with the girl who had found me a place to live when I first moved out.

She was a christian. Always talking about Jesus. Always wanting me to go to church with her. Ack. But... She was a very happy person and it was kind of contagious. She just had this way about her of seeing things in a positive light. It took her a few months (because to be honest I really didn’t like people at all at that point) but she finally convinced me to come to see a preacher who was coming into town.

After the service I went up to be saved. I honestly had no clue at that point what being saved meant… but there was this inner urge to go up when they made the call. When I got up there the preacher laid his hands on me and prayed. I recited the sinners prayer and just when I thought I was done and could finally be out of the lime light the man busts out into this jibberish, (tongues… had never heard of people speaking in tongues before) and begins smacking me on the chin yelling, “TONGUE BE LOOSED!”.

After the third time of him doing this I opened my eyes and looked at him, wondering what in the world this man was doing. He suddenly stopped, patted me on the shoulder, and said, “It’s ok young lady, not everyone speaks in tongues when they get filled with the Spirit.” HUH? I had NO clue. Zero. Zilcho. Nada. Thought the guy was certifiable to be honest. None the less, Sandee jumped in and saved the day, explaining to me many of the things I was confused about, though I didn’t quite believe her just yet.

I hadn’t felt a bit of anything during that whole episode on stage. I went to work a few days later and shared with a co worker how I had gotten saved. He was very excited at first, but suddenly when he realized I had not been saved in a Baptist church he blew up at me… calling me a holy roller, bible thumper… on and on he went. I had no clue what any of that meant either.

I was just hurt and overwhelmed by his negative response to something I thought was good. Oh, this is also the same man who would bring in beer and pot for me and another under age employee to sneak out and drink/smoke on our breaks. I began questioning my decision to get saved. A week or so later I had gone for a walk to mull some things over. If I had really made the right choice or not.

A young lady jogged past me and suddenly stopped. I kept walking. Remember, I didn’t like people back then. She called out to me so I stopped and she walked up to me. She told me her name and then told me that as she jogged past me the Holy Spirit spoke to her and told her to tell me that Jesus loves me and I made the right decision. I was SO excited! Sandee had introduced me to a few people at this point. One (Dan, changed his name.) had bought me a bible and was reading it with me several times a week, teaching me about Jesus.

Then a Christian band who were all really nice and we hung out with frequently. Then there was the dynamic duo. A brother and sister “team” we met. I only remember his name at this point, and in my book this is how I refer to them. They were something else, these two. Their parents were deliverance ministers. They talked about demons ALL THE TIME.

As we hung out with them more and more Sandee stopped talking about Jesus as much and more about demons. Eventually they singled me out. They decided I was demon possessed and that was why after two months of being saved I had not really “changed” as they saw it. The band and Dan had long since turned tail and run at that point. The three of them came to my apt one evening with a list of 10 demons they said I had.

They wanted to cast them out. They gave me a few days to decide. My decision? To either lose my so called Christian friends because I knew I wasn’t possessed but they believed I was which would result in losing them, or… go through with the exorcism and hope for the best. I went through with the exorcism. I faked it. I had seen enough movies at that time to do a pretty good job apparently because I scared the begeebers out of them. lol

Ultimately, in the end though, I decided Christianity wasn’t for me. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life being accused of being demon possessed. So I walked away and began drinking and partying, just trying to fit in… somewhere… anywhere… Ultimately it led to me getting raped again.

Thanks for being open and sharing your story. I've always enjoyed hearing them. Your experiences with various churches/religions is one reason I've never had much good to say about them in spite of the fact that I believe in God.

But this paragraph left me confused:

'Our song' - You and your friend or you and your first husband's? Then 'my ex was not my soulmate' . Ex? Who? ex BF? Your fiance? You were on the way to marry your first, so not ex husband?

Not really important but it was very confusing and left me curious.

I really struggled with how to convey that right. Have you ever had a strong enough connection with someone that you could finish their sentances., know what they are thinking even when they don't say it, and it was just like... As corny as this is gonna sound... All the stars aligned just right that night we met and two imperfect people found perfection in each other when their paths crossed for a short time... It was a non physical, non intimate in any other way than emotional relationship. Does that make a little more sense?

This thread is good to see. I wish we had more of this here at A2K, people telling some of their backstory, it would sure help towards understanding what they post. With understanding comes both empathy and the ability to find common ground, both which have been very lacking at A2K over the years, to the detriment of A2K. It would humanize the place, and with that people would stick around.

Yes, it makes perfect sense. I have had similar experiences in my early life with others who I have had brief non intimate friendships with. I thought it would be a common occurance in my life and so I let the experience go by without thinking much about it. I was wrong. Those meetings turned out to be rare and blessed events that slipped away without me even learning their names.

I still don't know who was who in your story though. Who was the 'ex' who was not your 'soulmate'? Who was the first husband you married? Were they the same person? Who was the person you you were talking about with "our song"? That special friend, your 'ex', your first husband? Who was the 'ex' you thought about on the way to marrying your first husband?

If i'm being too nosy, feel free to ignore these questions.

You are in charge of you. You choose, and you are responsible for your choices.

Ah yes, but back then I did not know that. Took me a looooong time, and about 100 trips around the mountain to "get it"... But get it I did! Lol

cool. it was not clear to me what voice you were talking in, the current you or the old you.

Bravo for speaking. That was not so hard was it? Most of the roadblocks we place ourselves.

I did not get married until 16 years after my encounter with that man. The song was ours as in me and the nameless one. That event had such a significant impact on me emotionally that when "Right Here Waiting" came on the radio on the way to the beach I was to be married at in less than 30 min, I became very quiet. My best friend and Step dad were with me and both began picking on me thinking I was nervous.

I wasn't nervous though. I had flashed back to that... that connection I had with him and suddenly realized I did not have that connection with the man I was about to marry, nor did I know if there could or would be that kind of connection again. So I got quiet because I was honestly debating what to do. Everything in me was screaming to run for the hills. But I was so afraid of disappointing everyone.

As little as my wedding was, a lot of work went into it. I had been working at the residential treatment facility and it took a lot of permissions, arrangements, and money saving for all 12 of the boys from the cottage I worked in to be able to come and stand up for me. To stay almost two three hours away from home for two days. It meant so much to them... and to me. Man I miss those boys. My best friend had flown across the U.S. to be there.

Yeah, it was just a lot. So I sucked it up and went through with it. That part of the story will come out as well. There's a few more years to cover before that was even close to happening, and a lot of things that led to me making the decisions I did at that time in my life. It's been a crazy ride for sure. I still shake my head some mornings and wonder how it is I am still here... lol