Mon 11 May, 2015 10:27 am
Thanks for taking a look at my thread.
For the last month I've been trying to figure out what I should do in this difficult situation I am in. I would appreciate any help.
Six months ago I moved out of my husband's house, letting him know I wanted a separation, and most likely a divorce in the future. With his permission I took our two kids and came down to Florida (from Connecticut) to stay with my parents while we sorted things out. My husband is abusive - verbally, emotionally, mentally. He has never hit me, although he has come close. He is the type that punches holes in the walls, dents refrigerators, throws my laundry in the yard, etc. I'm not blameless here. I am co-dependent, haven't worked since I was 15 (we got married when I was 18, I am 30 now). I have allowed myself to become isolated, completely unable to support myself, and unable to get away in order to respect myself the way I should. But a year ago I had some major epiphanies and gained a whole lot of self-respect.
Since moving down here, I've been getting therapy, my son is getting twice as much therapy for his autism than he did up in CT, and we are all surrounded by friends and family. Up in CT I did not have any friends or family - this was not only unhealthy for me, but also especially so for my autistic son.
Thing is, my husband does not have a bad heart. He just has a very large shame core and cannot control his rages / take any accountability for his emotions or actions (and I am sure I unknowingly provoke him). But he desperately loves and misses his children. I don't love him anymore as a partner, but I do as a human being. He is flawed like the rest of us.
After talking with an attorney, I have been reassured that I would easily be able to keep the kids down here after a divorce. So no legal issues with it (we've been here for 6 months, and it's our home state).
But... what is killing me is that I am taking his children away from him. He is a good father. He is telling me he is crying about this a lot, and I believe him.
I can only see two options, however. The best option being to stay here with my family, restart my life (I'm in school to become a special education teacher - 2 more years left), etc. My other option is considering his needs more, but at the detriment of my own. I know we cannot stay together, that is for sure. But there is the option of going up to CT and living separately - so he can have access to the kids. But I would be isolated again, I'd not have free childcare (my mom is offering to watch the kids so I can get a job), and if we divorced I'd be stuck up there until I got a court order. It would be hard to survive. Also, my husband is military and will be moving from CT in 2 1/2 years.
What would you do? What is the moral option here?
What is best for the children?
I don't really see how CT comes into play at all if your husband will be leaving in any case. He'd have to travel to visit the children there starting in two years, so why doesn't he start travelling to visit them in Florida now?
I'm not at all sure why there's any kind of question.
Your family wasn't in a good situation before. You're in a better situation now.
Of course the very best would be if you could all be in Florida in separate homes but that doesn't seem to be an option.
Is Florida also your husband's home state? does he have extended family there?
Yes, Florida is also his home state. His parents, sister, and nephews all live right down the block from where I am staying (my parent's house).
(edit) I just think it's so sad for him to miss the next 2 1/2 years of his kids lives. They are only 5 and 2. You're probably right, but it is heartbreaking.
if he'd be leaving CT in 2 years, he'd miss the rest of his children's lives
hopefully he can return to Florida at some point to live - and with family there, it'll be comparatively easy for him to do so
He'll be retiring in 5 years, so maybe we can work something out then.
Thanks again for the help... It's good to hear confirmation. It's hard for me to separate my emotions from his.
He needs to become intimately acquainted with the airlines that handle flights between your two locations. If you want to help out, help him get his act together, sign up for frequent flyer miles, and even help him plan his first trip or two (maybe your kids could be involved, e. g. let's pick a few days on the calendar, and circle them and count down to them, etc., for when Dad is in Florida). He is a big boy, of course, but that's a way to help which does not invalidate you as a person or ignore your needs.
Bonus points for picking an airline with decent service to his next destination if you can get deployment information in advance.
You can do this, all of you. It's not like this is 150 years ago and airplanes don't exist yet.
Right now, it is just logistics. C'mon, Capable Mama!
You can do this!!
Thank you for the words of encouragement
It is surprisingly helpful.
Also, I just read an article about autism this morning. It's certainly a subject I've heard a lot about, but one I've no personal experience with. I bring this up, since it might be possible that that is part of your husband's behavior. Maybe it would be worth it to him to check that out, as there may be some possible remedies, or if not remedies, tweaking of his behaviors to improve his life.
Even the comments are interesting; as usual with online stuff, some is insulting, but many of the comments are understanding, with people adding their own experiences.