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Revised: College transfer personal Statment Essay

 
 
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 10:41 pm
Hello reviewers,

I have revised, and rewritten from the previous post which is the most up to date essay.

I'd love some correction on on my GRAMMAR and SENTENCE STRUCTURE as I'm not the best writer in the world.
This is Transfer Personal Statement Essay.
I was former nursing student looking to transfer to study Healthcare Leadership to continue my education at University of Washington


Criticism, Compliment, and any Thoughts of Advice over my essay is also deeply appreciated.
Thanks for reading it and any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

Here is the prompt, right now my essay is 975 words.

Personal statement (750 - 1,000 words)

The personal statement should be a comprehensive essay outlining significant aspects of your academic and personal history, particularly those that provide context for your academic achievements and educational choices. Quality of writing and depth of content both contribute toward a meaningful and relevant personal statement.

You must address the following topics: (required)

Academic History: Tell us about your academic career to date, describing your performance, educational path and choices. Describe any situations that may have had a significant positive or negative impact on your academic progress and or curricular choices. If you had a significant break in your education, or changed career paths, please explain.
Your Major and/or Career Goals: Tell us about your intended major and career aspirations. Describe your plans for preparing for your intended major. What led you to choose this major? If you are undecided, what type(s) of career(s) or major(s) are you most interested in exploring? How will UW Tacoma help you attain your academic, career, and/or personal goals?
Cultural Understanding: Thoughtfully describe the ways in which culture has had an impact on your life and what you have learned about yourself and society as a result. How has your own cultural history enriched and/or challenged you? NOTE: Culture may be defined broadly.
Educational Challenges / Personal Hardships: Describe any personal or imposed challenges or hardships you have overcome in pursuing your education.

You may address the following topics if they apply to you: (optional)

Community, Military, or Volunteer Service: Describe your community, military, or volunteer service, including leadership, awards, or increased levels of responsibility.
Experiential Learning: Describe your involvement in research, artistic or athletic endeavors, and/or work (paid or volunteer), as they have contributed to your academic, career, or personal goals.[/]


Quote:
My family immigrated to the U.S. from Korea when I was just a ten year old boy. To me, the motherland was a place of restricted freedom where everybody was expected to follow a set of arranging pathway for a success. I can recall planning out my childhood as me and my brother flew over the Pacific, and I informed my brother who was fourteen at the time that we could finally live in a house with green backyard house. (We had frequently dreamed of playing soccer on a grassy field as the national team did on TV). However, the expectation did not meet the reality as our family debarked from the plane, and the reality truly wasn’t generous to us after all. We settled in Tacoma and I soon started to enroll in American schools while my parents struggled to find suitable jobs to support the family. I soon became frustrated and impudent with the unaccustomed living environment, and sought solace in my old lifestyle back in Korea where there was no linguistic barrier, and most importantly, where racial discrimination wasn’t prevalent. I was often teased, and bullied by other students at school for my appearances because I was different from the rest of the group of students at school where majority of student population was comprised of white, black and Latinos. Outside of schools, my family often saw ourselves gesturing for the needed items at a grocery stores bringing unwanted attention to ourselves. Daily, every members of the family would return home depressed and in despair, feeling sympathy to each other as we struggled to adjust to the cruel reality that was beyond our expectation.

Over a period of time, my family started to settle and things started to gel together piece by piece. My parents were able to find suitable jobs and began to assume the way of the American life as time passed by through their efforts and dedication of hard-work. Through the hurdles, education has contributed to my inspiration of a new life. My thoughts can now flow freely to new corners of perspective and understanding. Things are no longer black and white to me; I am able to think for myself. My diverse ethnicity and cultural background has helped me to collect valuable lessons, such as a tenacity, and self-worth, gained through the personal struggles and hardship that we endured as a family. My family held so tightly to each other, we were able to complete a journey from the very beginning to the present with unity of purpose and commitment. Through naturalization, my family and I obtained U.S. citizenships after five years of living in what I’ve considered my second home. I have not discarded my Korean citizenship status since I wanted to retain my heritage. As a dual-citizen of both Korea and America, I feel that it is my duty to help in fostering relations and friendship between two allied nations whose soldiers have sacrificed themselves in a battle between the South and the North Korea to help build democracy in the south 65 years ago.

Upon completion of high school, I have proudly transitioned immediately into Seattle University to pursue nursing with a passionate heart. With memory of the customs ordeal still fresh in my mind, I chose to embark on a learning path that will ultimately expand and enhance my knowledge in nursing. At University, I took classes such as anatomy and physiology I, II, biology, series of psychology, series of philosophy and theology in order to fulfill the requirements for a nursing school. After being accepted into the nursing school, the studying did not become easier, in fact, I was faced with the intellect and mental challenges that came along with virtues that were embedded in the profession of nursing. With a more elegant mindset of dedication and efforts, I have managed to gradually control my studying habits which has helped me to push myself to the limit to approach my goal closer. However, as I progressed with the program, building a variety of clinical experiences in different hospitals, I was depressed and had no personal support system. I wasn’t happy nor satisfied with the work that I anticipated, and I desire to explore a different approach to accomplish my goal in a slightly different way. I would much rather become administrator in the health care system, and discover new ways to help people in a diverse environment to study. By transferring to University of Washington, I will be able to get an affordable quality education as well as allowing me to be closer to my family, which is an essential part of me. Attending UW will allow me to spend much time with my family who have been a strong support system to me.

Although my career in the medical field has provided me with a lot of valuable experience with hands on experience through direct patient care, I’m also aware that having a formal education in this field can undoubtedly propel me even closer to my goals. For this very reason, I’m more than certain that the Bachelor of Art in healthcare leadership offered by the University of Washing, with its focus on individual, community and global health care issues will help me obtain the knowledge and develop the expertise necessary to become a future healthcare provider. Above all, I’m attracted to the UW’s diverse student population at campus and I strongly believe that my cultural difference can tremendously enrich other students and staff while improving myself and skills in its given environment. After I’ve earned my B.A., I plan to pursue a master of healthcare administration degree to expand my knowledge and to explicitly gain a better view of how the health care system operates so that one day I can contribute to making a difference in the healthcare system in the United States.
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