Riddle/story thing is kicking my ass, someone help ;-;

You cannot "figure it out" because there is nothing to figure out. It is a tease. The teller gets the listener's attention by spinning a long, involved and increasingly unlikely story, and in so doing raises the listener's expectations that the ending will bring some kind of explanation, but it doesn't. The listener is let down with a bump. The story is a textbook example of a "shaggy dog story", that is, an extremely long-winded anecdote characterized by extensive narration of typically irrelevant incidents and terminated by an anticlimax or a pointless punchline.

Shaggy dog stories play upon the audience's preconceptions of joke-telling. The audience listens to the story with certain expectations, which are either simply not met or met in some entirely unexpected manner. A lengthy shaggy dog story derives its humour from the fact that the joke-teller held the attention of the listeners for a long time (such jokes can take five minutes or more to tell) for no reason at all, as the end resolution is essentially meaningless.

Well **** .-.

Thanks though dude, I guess your response was a kind of shaggy dog thing also, haha :3

Here's another one:

A cowboy rides home to the ranch and finds that his house is burned to the ground, his horses have all been stolen, his livestock slaughtered, his dogs shot down, his wife raped and murdered and his ranch hands tortured and hanged. One man, barely alive, manages to gasp out before dying: "It. . .it. . .was Shanghai Pete." Grief-stricken, the cowboy buries his wife, his ranch hands and his dogs. He then drags all of the livestock to a pit and pushes them in, covering their corpses with lime. Rage begins to set in and the desire for revenge overwhelms him. He mounts his faithful horse and rides for town at a full gallop. Pulling up at the saloon in a cloud of dust, he jumps off his horse and collars the first person he sees. Grabbing him and shaking him, he screams in the man's face: "Do you know where Shanghai Pete can be found?!" "In. . .in. . .the s-s-saloon!" Stammers the man. The cowboy storms through the swinging doors and the saloon falls deathly silent. The cowboy scans the room from under the brim of his hat and says: "Which one of you low-life, motherfucking sonsabitches is Shanghai Pete, who burned down my house, stole my horses, killed all my livestock, shot down my dogs, raped and murdered my wife, and tortured and hanged all my ranch hands?" A man dressed in black, easily 6'8" tall and nearly as wide, turns from the bar with a shotgun in his hand and cocks both barrels. "I'm Shanghai Pete and I did all those things! So what!!?" he thundered. "Well knock that **** off, okay?" says the cowboy.

Another one. You have to suppose that it is sometime after World War 2 and Germany discovers that Adolf Hitler is still alive and hiding out in South America. Germany is in a mess and they decide they want him back as leader, so they send a team out to ask him to come back. Straight away he says "No! I'm not coming back!" so the team leader says "We'll pay you a billion dollars a year". "No!" says Hitler again. "Also we'll build you a solid gold palace to live in". "Well, maybe", says Hitler. "And all the young dancing girls you can screw" adds the German team leader. "Keep going" says Hitler. They add to the offer 50 Ferraris, a giant yacht and a personal jumbo jet. "OK, I'll do it", says Hitler, "but one more thing." "What?" says the chief negotiator. "No more mister nice guy!" says Hitler.

Its called a 'shaggy dog' story, the non sequitur of the joke world. Flip Wilson was the master of telling this type of joke.

From Wikipedia

This article is about the joke. For the television program of the same name, see Shaggy Dog Story (TV). For other uses, see Shaggy dog (disambiguation).

In its original sense, a shaggy dog story is an extremely long-winded anecdote characterized by extensive narration of typically irrelevant incidents and terminated by an anticlimax or a pointless punchline.

Shaggy dog stories play upon the audience's preconceptions of joke-telling. The audience listens to the story with certain expectations, which are either simply not met or met in some entirely unexpected manner.[1] A lengthy shaggy dog story derives its humour from the fact that the joke-teller held the attention of the listeners for a long time (such jokes can take five minutes or more to tell) for no reason at all, as the end resolution is essentially meaningless.[2]

Contents

1 The archetypal shaggy dog story
2 Examples in literature
3 Examples in music
4 See also
5 References
6 Further reading

The archetypal shaggy dog story

The commonly believed archetype of the shaggy dog story is a story that concerns a shaggy dog. The story builds up, repeatedly emphasizing how shaggy the dog is. At the climax of the story, someone in the story reacts with, "That dog's not so shaggy." The expectations of the audience that have been built up by the presentation of the story, that the story will end with a punchline, are thus disappointed. Ted Cohen gives the following example of this story:[1]

A boy owned a dog that was uncommonly shaggy. Many people remarked upon its considerable shagginess. When the boy learned that there are contests for shaggy dogs, he entered his dog. The dog won first prize for shagginess in both the local and the regional competitions. The boy entered the dog in ever-larger contests, until finally he entered it in the world championship for shaggy dogs. When the judges had inspected all of the competing dogs, they remarked about the boy's dog: "He's not that shaggy."

However, authorities disagree as to whether this particular story is the archetype after which the category is named. Eric Partridge, for example, provides a very different story, as do William and Mary Morris in The Morris Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins.

According to Partridge and the Morrises, the archetypical shaggy dog story involves an advertisement placed in The Times announcing a search for a shaggy dog. In the Partridge story, an aristocratic family living in Park Lane is searching for a lost dog, and an American answers the advertisement with a shaggy dog that he has found and personally brought across the Atlantic, only to be received by the butler at the end of the story who takes one look at the dog and shuts the door in his face saying "But not so shaggy as that, sir!" In the Morris story, the advertiser is organizing a competition to find the shaggiest dog in the world, and after a lengthy exposition of the search for such a dog a winner is presented to the aristocratic instigator of the competition, who says "I don't think he's so shaggy."[3][4]
Examples in literature

A typical shaggy dog story occurs in Mark Twain's book about his travels west, Roughing It. Twain's friends encourage him to go find a man called Jim Blaine when he is properly drunk, and ask him to tell "the stirring story about his grandfather's old ram".[5] Twain, encouraged by his friends who have already heard the story, finally finds Blaine, an old silver miner, who sets out to tell Twain and his friends the tale. Blaine starts out with the ram ("There never was a bullier old ram than what he was"), and goes on for four more mostly dull but occasionally hilarious unparagraphed pages. Along the way, Blaine tells many stories, each of which connects back to the one before by some tenuous thread, and none of which has to do with the old ram. Among these stories are: a tale of boiled missionaries; of a lady who borrows a false eye, a peg leg, and the wig of a coffin-salesman's wife; and a final tale of a man who gets caught in machinery at a carpet factory and whose "widder bought the piece of carpet that had his remains wove in..." As Blaine tells the story of the carpet man's funeral, he begins to fall asleep, and Twain, looking around, sees his friends "suffocating with suppressed laughter." They now inform him that "at a certain stage of intoxication, no human power could keep [Blaine] from setting out, with impressive unction, to tell about a wonderful adventure which he had once had with his grandfather's old ram — and the mention of the ram in the first sentence was as far as any man had heard him get, concerning it."
Examples in music

Arlo Guthrie's classic anti-war story-song "Alice's Restaurant Massacree" is a shaggy dog story about the military draft, hippies, and improper disposal of garbage.[6]

David Bromberg's version of "Bullfrog Blues" (on "How Late'll Ya Play 'Til?") is a rambling shaggy dog story performed as a talking blues song.[7][8]

I beat you to it, bobsal.

Yes, but you're awake and I'm not. I get extra points.