@rebekahy2k,
I am assuming you are a Christian (forgive me if I am wrong).
You say that you have to live with with this horrible feeling unless God takes it from you. Hasn't God already taken it from you? I assume you have heard about the Cross. Forgiveness and redemption are the best parts of your religion, you should take advantage of them.
If Christianity is making you feel horrible about yourself, then it is really missing its entire purpose.
I wish you peace.