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Wed 30 Apr, 2014 10:43 am
I am engaged for about a year now, and we have been together for 3 years now. She feels that she is entitled to do what she feels is my best interest, to get things done faster, or to do XYZ without saying anything to me since we are engaged. Is there an entitlement or rights on her part to do such things?
Examples of this are getting my social security number and other info to get my credit report because I didn't want to discuss things at the time. Contacting schools because she feels I need more certifications, so she contacts the university I attended to get my transcripts. Both examples were not mentioned to me, but she felt he'd the right to do.
Am I off base thinking that she has no entitlement to do such things?
@Dazedandconfused74,
The only thing I can feel is even remotely justified is her getting your SSN and doing a background check - but she should have done that earlier. Now it just feels like a bait and switch, that you popped the question and suddenly she wants to make sure you don't have a $50,000 debt for hookers and gambling in 1995. I don't love background checks, and I think they're mighty intrusive, but I can see why people would do them.
As for the rest of it, she seems to have a controlling streak a mile wide. You so sure you wanna say "I do" to
that?
@Dazedandconfused74,
Do I smell a lawyer or a law student?
I would offer her one word and offer it quickly: Goodbye!
To sum things up: you didn't trust her with you info. She didn't trust you to tell her, so she went behind your back and ran a credit check on you, etc. There's no basis for engagement or even a relationship.
@Dazedandconfused74,
Legally, she has no right to obtain your school transcripts or your credit report without your permission. She is probably committing a crime by fraudulently obtaining these records in violation of state and federal (including
FCRA and
FERPA) law. Even if you were married, in almost all circumstances she would also have no right to obtain those records without your permission.
@Dazedandconfused74,
Im sorry but it sounds like she is trying to be your mother not a wife:(
If you want to enter a troubled marriage this person seems like a good choice for wife.
I think dawny hit it. She is going to be running your business like a windmill in a hurricane.
If you want to save the relationship - and I said "if" - tell her your feelings about what she's done - and that you can't be happy with that level of intrusion into your personal business.
She'll probably give you back a withering, air-tight argument why there is no longer "his and hers" business - but only "our" business.
Tell her that's not the kind of life you envisioned - it shocked you - and it's a deal-breaker.
Hope you aren't a guy who folds at tears, because I have a feeling she's coming at you with either a club or an emotional display that Meryl Streep couldn't match.
Stand your ground or your balls will shrink to raisins in no time.
@Dazedandconfused74,
It is important for both to recognize ego boundaries. Nobody should usurp your identity, even to do a credit check. Being engaged or even married doesn't change the fact you are still an individual. You need to stand up for yourself. If she cannot mold you into what she wants you to be unless you let her. For there to be a deal, you also must consent. Don't feel pressured into becoming what you don't desire to be. You'll regret it. If you have promised to marry one another, she has the right to know about your finances, credit, etc. it is not right for her to take your personal info and obtain it without your consent. She does however have the right to know about the finances of the person she's marrying. But... You have to be willing to provide it.
Quote:Dazed said: Am I off base thinking that she has no entitlement to do such things?
She's practising being a busybody wife for when you get married!
You ain't seen nothing yet, because if you get hitched you'll be completely under her thumb..
@Dazedandconfused74,
She has zero legal rights as your finance.
@Finn dAbuzz,
Agreeing with Finn, and move along.
Really, get away from her.
Not sure about "zero rights". State law varies with Common Law rights and responsibilities. Look at your State's statue on Proof of Informal Marriage.
Example:
In Texas, if you live with someone for any period of time, you tell others that you are married AND you both actually agree to be married, then you are considered married! It does not take much to be married, just these three things as stated: 1) cohabitation; 2) representing to others a marriage; and 3) agreement to be married.
All that aside, I wouldn't spend one more minute with someone that acts more like my agent than my girlfriend. After getting married then she can act like your agent. (husband humor)
My ex-brother-in-law deserves a medal for being married to my sister for 17 years before they divorced.
She knew he was a drinker/smoker/gambler BEFORE they married, but thought she could stop all that by nagging him nonstop after they married.
It didn't work though, he simply carried on regardless..
@Dazedandconfused74,
You should ask her, not us. If she thinks this is OK, I'd move on. Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this behavior?
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