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What could her motive be...does she want him for herself??

 
 
Reply Sun 13 Oct, 2013 10:39 pm
There's this guy that I really like. I think he likes me too. We attend a small Catholic college with less than 1,500 students. He's a 20 yr old psychology student. (I'm not a psychology student. My major is food science) I will just refer to him as "J" here. Last year he said to my friend K, "Tell (my name) that I love her." I know K isn't lying because I asked her many times & her story details didn't change & I also saw the cellphone text he sent to her. There are other signs that he may like me too. For example- he blushes when he talks to me. He seems shy. And his guy friends tease him about me. And one of his guy friends (a young English teacher at the school) told me that last February during an event at our school- "J" was playing the guitar in a band. After his performance- "J" was on stage glancing at the crowd. He asked his friend, "Where's S?" A while later- his friend asked him, "Who did you mean by 'S?'" J answered him, "S stands for (my name). My friend & my crush." He was looking for me. But he never told me directly that he likes me- maybe when he's ready he will do it. There's this other girl who is befriending me this year. I don't know her that well yet- but she's very friendly to me. She says "hi" to me sometimes when she sees me at school. We talked sometimes at school. She added me in facebook & she clicked "like" on many of my photos & status updates. She's a psych student & she's classmates with "J" in some major subjects.

She invited me to a seminar at our school & she told me that "J" will be there. During the seminar (which was last Saturday)- "J" was singing & playing the guitar. She suggested, "Why don't you take a picture of him?" I said, "Can you do it for me?" She said, "ok" & she took 4 pics of him with my cellphone. Later on- I saw her sitting next to him & talking to him. She said, "He's my close friend- so if you have something to ask about him- come to me." (I was surprised when she said they are friends. I knew they were classmates but I didn't know that they were friends.) I asked if I could sit next to him, & she let me. She got up & I took her place. (She sat in a chair in front of me while I sat beside "J") I had a casual conversation with "J" then he left the room after about 15 min. I asked her, "Do you remember what I told u about him last semester?" She said, "yes- when he told K that he loves you." I said, "I will wait for him to say that to me himself in person. I won't ask him about it. I will just wait." She nodded. I asked her, "Did he ever mention me to you?" She said, "Yes. He asked where you are." I asked, "How many times did he ask this?" "About three times," she said. "Did he ever say anything else about me?" I asked her. She was silent- like she was trying to remember.

Then she said a few minutes later, "There's something he wants to tell you." I asked her, "What is it?" She said, "Better that he tells you himself." I asked, "When did he tell you this?" She said, "about 3 months ago." Then I wrote on a piece of paper so the other people won't hear, "What did he tell you 3 months ago?" She wrote back, "I told him to tell you the truth but he said he can't yet & u should just let the time decide when he will tell you about it." I felt worried. I couldn't wait & I wrote, "Tell me now so I won't get hurt." She wrote, "It's better that he will be the one to tell you. But my advice for you is to move on and find someone new. I don't want you to get hurt. You're my friend."
I wrote, "Tell me now or I'll get angry at you."
She finally wrote, "He has many friends and he drinks alcohol."
I asked her, "Is that all you wanted to tell me?" She said, "yes." I said, "I thought you were going to say that he doesn't like me & he only likes me as a friend." She said, "no." I asked her again 3 more times, "Is that all you wanted to tell me?" & she said "yes." I felt relieved. What she just told me is not a big deal for me. So what if "J" drinks alcohol? Many people drink alcohol- right? (I drink a small amount of red wine once in awhile.)

I was relieved what she told me because I thought she was going to say something like "He only likes you as a friend." But why earlier she said, "My advice for you is to MOVE ON and find someone new"? Could it be that she may want him for herself? I'm suspecting this because she said that he's her close friend. (If I have a boyfriend- I wouldn't like it if he has close female friends, because sometimes friends of the opposite sex can turn into lovers. I know that it doesn't always happen- but it's a possiblity)
I asked her, "You said he has many friends. Are most of them male or female?" She said, "Male." I said, "good. because I don't like it if he has many female friends."


 
CoastalRat
 
  3  
Reply Mon 14 Oct, 2013 06:11 am
@cherries9999,
Good heavens woman, grow up and have a conversation with the guy. You sound like a bunch of teenagers afraid to talk. People telling you what he says and you telling them what you hope they will pass on to him is childish (well, maybe not childish, but teenagerish.) If you are smitten with him then go ahead and talk to him. Ask him out for drinks or whatever. Or, if you strongly believe he should make the first move, then wait on him. If he is smitten by you then he eventually will. But I wouldn't wait around for him to do so.

As for your friend, I have no idea what her motive could be. It could be she does want him for herself. If so, and he has decided he likes her better, what can you do? If he really likes you, then anything she does will not matter.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Oct, 2013 07:25 am
I could only read about half way through your post. You act like a middle school girl who talks through and gets approval from her best girlfriends.

If you are sweet on this fella, then woman-up and make some moves to establish a relationship. Start by talking to him on a date.

And . . . cut back on the "love" talk. You are a long way from being able to feel or say that to someone you know so little - because you really don't have a relationship with him yet.

As far as the motives of your friend - who cares? You have allowed her to filter your messages and interpret what's happening between you and him. Maybe she's getting weary of keeping track of your love life.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 Oct, 2013 07:54 am
@CoastalRat,
best advice for nearly every relationship question - especially this one

CoastalRat wrote:
grow up and have a conversation
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Oct, 2013 08:34 pm
@cherries9999,
Whatever happened to the boyfriend you had in April?
cherries9999
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Oct, 2013 09:55 pm
@ehBeth,
My boyfriend from last April? That wasn't last April of this year- that was in April of last year. (April 2012) It's now October 2013. We broke up 1 1/2 year ago. The relationship he had with her (the girl he dumped me for) lasted for only 2-3 weeks. Here I will refer to my ex boyfriend as "E". (I talked to his brother and his brother told me this. I thought this girl was just someone he met in facebook. But his brother told me that "E" did meet her in person first in June 2011 but they didn't talk much at that time. They were only acquaintances and they reconnected in facebook in February 2012. In February 2012 in facebook- they chatted, soon fell in love, and exchanged cellphone numbers.) After she broke up with him, he was single for about 2 months (from April-May 2012). Then in June 2012- he finally met his true love at his workplace. They were just married last month (in September 2013). They were in a relationship for 1 yr & 3 months before getting married. I got over him already. I got over him last year. Last year you said that he "moved on". I finally moved on too. My new love interest is "J". I think he is better than my ex boyfriend in many ways. I hope if I have a relationship with "J"- it will be a success.

P.S. The new wife of my ex boyfriend is 12 years older than him. He's 21 and she's 33. He was 20 and she was 32 when they met last year. He was 19 when he broke up with me (in March 2012) and he turned 20 in May 2012. He met his current wife in June 2012.
0 Replies
 
cherries9999
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Oct, 2013 10:39 pm
@CoastalRat,
I did start talking to him already. In my first post in this thread- I did say that I had a casual conversation with him during the seminar. Towards the end of the seminar- after the girl (I will refer to her as "L" here)- told me that "J" has many friends & drinks alcohol- I went to the bathroom. When I returned- I rubbed my hands with hand sanitizer because I returned from the bathroom. I kept the bottle of hand sanitizer in my hand when the group of 40-50 people in the room began to form a circle for a game. We were instructed to hold hands with each person at both of our sides. "J"'s male cousin was standing besides me on the right & he suggested that I hold hands with "J" instead. "Put your bottle of hand sanitizer away so you can hold J's hand," someone suggested to me. I agreed. "J" was holding my hand at the right and a girl was holding my hand at the left. It was a hula hoop game. (Each person in the circle had to go through the hoop and pass it on to the next person while holding hands) Before the game started- I asked someone to take a picture of me & "J" holding hands. The person obeyed and I asked for a copy of the pic. When she was about to take the pic- "J" jerked away as if he didn't want the pic taken. But he went back to his place and he allowed her to take the picture.

Most of the people in the group were thrilled when "J" & I were holding hands- although it was just a game. Some people were cheering. As soon as the game ended- "J" let go of my hand and he began to pack his things. I approached him and I said to him, "Bye. You are welcome to come to my house when you're ready." He smiled and he gave me a thumbs up sign.
That was it. That was 2 days ago.
(earlier at the seminar when I was having a casual conversation with him about an hour before the game- I told him, "I know that you're good at playing the guitar." He nodded. I said, "I play the piano." He asked, "What songs do you play?" I said, "If you come to my house- I will show you what songs.")

The night after the seminar- my friend "K" told me that her classmates were at the seminar and they told her that they thought it was romantic when "J" & I were holding hands and most of the people there felt happy for us.

And as for this girl "L"- if she wants him for herself- what can I do about that? What can I do to eliminate the competition? : P And is there a possibility that she could just be pretending to be my friend? There are many "plastic" people at my school. I used to be the naive type- but not anymore. Now it's the opposite. My mother says I tend to get suspicious of people easily and I don't trust easily. That's a good thing- right? So people can't easily fool me or take advantage of me.

I feel confused with this "L" girl. Earlier in the seminar (about 2 hours before the game) when "J" was singing and playing the guitar- "L" suggested that I take a picture of him. When she suggested that- it seems that she was encouraging me to like him. But about an hour later- she seemed to have the desire to discourage me from liking him when she said "my advice is for you to move on and find someone new." (Refer to my first post in this thread) That's what made me confused. That's why I think her motive is unclear. People can be strange and ambiguous!
cherries9999
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Oct, 2013 01:54 am
@cherries9999,
UPDATE: I confronted "L" today. I wasn't able to see her in person since the seminar last Saturday- so I confronted her in a facebook message.
I wrote this to her: "when you told me last saturday, 'he has many friends and he drinks alcohol'- that is not a bad thing. I will give him a chance because I really like him. I will try to get to know him more. It's not a bad thing if he has many friends- if most of his friends are guys and not girls. You shouldn't have told me to 'move on.' I hope that you don't want him for yourself. : P"

She replied less than an hour later. She wrote, "J is my best friend and I'm not interested in him in that way, ok? I have another guy as my boyfriend already."

I was surprised with her answer. I almost felt bad for being suspicious of her. I replied, "ok, I'm sorry. how much alcohol does J drink?" I didn't get a reply- but it says she read my msg. (facebook lets you know if the person read your msg or not. if the person opened your msg- there's a check mark at the end of your msg and it says "seen" and it indicates the time that the person read your msg) Because I didn't get a reply from her but I knew that she opened my msg- I sent her another msg. I wrote: "I still like him although he drinks alcohol. How much alcohol does he drink?" I'm still awaiting her reply.

So she claims that J is her best friend and she says that she only likes him as a friend. She says she has another guy as a boyfriend. Could I believe that? Could a guy and a girl really be best friends without ever becoming lovers? Could a guy and a girl really be platonic best friends??
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Tue 15 Oct, 2013 08:06 pm
@cherries9999,
Yes, they can be friends.

Now, you concentrate on what you need to do to start a relationship with this fella.

You are very distracted by others whom you view as competition. A waste of time.

0 Replies
 
 

 
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