Sun 28 Apr, 2013 11:15 pm
I consider myself all but normal, ranging from my moods, I am either a madman, a weirdo, a shaman, either way, I used to meditate a lot, and that has left me at a different state, neither superior nor inferior, simply different. I can smell fear, have dreams incredibly similar to experiences I have as I awake, I am very emphatic, I can literally feel others pain, sometimes I loose control of it and... yeah as I said I am... different...
I have experienced enough to have an excuse to kill myself several times, but that is my strength, where others leave this world, I pride myself for going forward despite the odds, so far it has paid off... finally, more specifically I was misdiagnosed hypothyroid at the age of three, and they kept upping the medication as I got older (which naturally caused me both incredible physical and mental agony the greater the dosage) until I ended up at a psychiatric institute screaming in pain which "seemed" imaginary and got diagnosis's here and there ...
Now its suddenly over, they discovered the misdiagnosis and after some mental and physical tests, they told me I was free to go and removed all my mental diagnosis`s (basically adhd, "imaginary agonizing pain" abnormal stress levels etc) fittingly, the symptoms are all gone.
Problem? I am now 29 years old, and can hardly remember what a normal life is, I find everything so strange... So... easy, so painless.. Where is the headaches that I cursed and swore to overcome until kingdom come! Where is waking up with nosebleeds every day? How can I sleep without the terrible noise and pain my body adjusted to during most of my... lifetime! Edit: And excuse my language, my sole motivation was fighting the pain, struggling, cursing my life, swearing to bite my teeth to the ******* end! And now I wonder... is this life? Do what I want? Where is my purpose which was there since I can remember! And how the ******* HELL am I going to find motivation now?
Do what I want? ******* meaningless! (end edit, yeah I am sharing the fact that I am pissed, but self control has been my entire purpose (dont scream in pain, dont let them notice your constant anxiety etc)
While I am slowly adjusting, and have accepted myself long ago, as I knew they where wrong, I knew deep inside that this could not be natural, and that I would stand tall until the day I was meant to move on to the next world, only to spit whatever God up there in the face and say "I endured your damn trial! And that just to spite you asshole!"
As I am adjusting, I realize that I am different, I think differently, I behave like some old sage, (my advices seem to help people so why not), and that I will never be "normal", aka like the rest, I hardly remember my past, as I prefer to be happy, and my past is full of pain, death, rejection, abandon, and so on... Its a long story, but if nothing else, I pride myself for enduring losses few would handle. I may not be a fighter, but damn I am tenacious, the unbreakable punching bag! I claw myself to life in times of hardship, and sometimes I give myself the arrogant luxury of laughing at others "pain stories" as I laugh and think "you call that pain?" and beat my chest feeling like I crossed hell itself in comparison.
As said I am fine with that, and when I see I can use my experiences to help people it feels like a gift... But one question I may always have...
How is it to be normal? What do you define as normal? To follow the crowd? To desire power? To go wherever the wind takes you? Anything is appreciated, as a man meant to be weird, I am curious of what I am missing, of what I will never be, why? For starters, I dont want to, I have lost too much of my life to be "normal" for the rest of it, I mean I dunno how much I have left, but such a misdiagnosis has not exactly left my body healthy.
I am no hero, I was unable to save anybody, but I always wanted to, I always wanted to help, in the shadows... Afraid to speak as my pain was the first word that came out of my words... but I meant well, I felt like a knight, always in the shadows, meaning well, sometimes even helping those in need, but always hiding, as I often yelled in pain induced anger at those "brave enough" to thank me.
Seems like I have finally opened myself to someone else than my ever caring girlfriend, she brings me hope, and while I still fear hope, fear stopped being a hindrance ever since my first panic attack at the age of four... you know... mistreatment... sigh...
anyway, anything, normality related, please share with me, and if you really read trough this all, thank you for your patience, and if you have no understanding... well, neither do I, so what harm can you possibly do to the most tenacious thick skinned individual there is? I mean even her love hardly gets trough... I am 29 and my wife died 6 years ago from a broken heart after I got put in a institution and got drugged down to a slobbering beast that begged her to leave me.
Again thanks patient one.
Ps: I prefer the word "broken heart", the least thing I want to know, is how she died, I prefer to remember how happily she lived... And focus on opening my heart to my girlfriend (got her AFTER the nightmare ended, how could I get a girlfriend while sweating and screaming in anxiety and pain), and to others alike... May they accept me for who I am... or not.
No mental disorders... just a bit of post trauma which is to minor to be treated...diabetes and some other minor consequences... in the end I am quite the lucky jerk.
"The day the world stands against me, is a mighty fine day to end the world"