Is It Wrong To?

Forums: One Thing Led To Another, Relationship, Morality, Friends, Dating
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I'm currently engaged and living with my fiance of 8 months. We have absolutely no problems amongst each other and get along perfectly. We've never argued. We work well together and communicate extremely well. We've had some tough times that only made us stronger.

I have a childhood friend. We were separated after both of us began moving, and at a festival in our hometown we both attended, we bumped into one another and were still just as close even 6 years without speaking to another. We ended up hanging out together [and with friends, as his twin brother and his best friend were also his roommates]. At the time I was getting over a relationship with someone else, and just the security of an old friend who understood my situation, one thing led to another and we did have intercourse at one point.

After all this occurred, I met and began dating who I am with now.

I have no romantic feelings for my best friend. When he told me he loved me, I withdrew and quit hanging out all together. It's been about 9 months since I have seen him. We have only exchanged short FB messages every few months. My fiance knows all about him and what had transpired. Like I said, we're very open and honest.

So my best friend messaged me asking to meet up so we can catch up and hang out. My question is, is it wrong to spend time with him considering what had happened? I don't want to rock the boat with my fiance even though he told me it was okay to see him, and I also don't want to encourage my friend to hold onto feelings, but I don't want to lose a close friend. He's been my friend for as long as I can remember and has been there whenever I have needed him. I have avoided him in previous messages, but he still persists and I know it's not often to find a friend who genuinely tries to be there regardless of how troublesome I am being.

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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 1,515 • Replies: 12

@Tankard137,

Perhaps you might want to discuss on the phone (if you chose to meet up with him) that you hope to maintain a friendship but no romance or sexual possibilities. Make it clear that you'll do nothing to jeopardize your relationship or in any way put it at risk. Set clear boundaries and I think things should be OK.

Good luck.

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@Tankard137,

Ok first your best male friend in an ideal world would first be the man you are planning on marrying and having a life together with.

My bet is in any case that the feelings your "best friend", who was always there for you, finally expressed had been existing for many years in his heart.

Sorry the man is not your "friend" he is someone who is in love with you and for everyone good I suggest you keep the relationship to a few messages on facebook at least until he is in a long term and happy relationship himself with some other woman.

Oh if you would like to get an idea of the emotional turmoil he is likely to be in try putting yourself in his place in that you been in love with a male friend for years and when after he broke up a relationship you and him had a short sexual relationship and you told him you was in love with him.

His reaction to that was to break contact with you and then to get engage to another woman.

It going to take time for all this to settle out.

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@Tankard137,

Ask your best pal to meet you in a public place, and bring along your fiancé. Or at least meet and stay in public places, and do not become impaired (e. g. don't drink). Have a nice visit and then part company. There is nothing wrong with seeing old friends but it sounds to me like this guy might want to meet in private and see if you'll do anything or if he can make a case to you. Don't give him the opportunity to do either.

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@jespah,

Quote:

There is nothing wrong with seeing old friends but it sounds to me like this guy might want to meet in private and see if you'll do anything or if he can make a case to you. Don't give him the opportunity to do either.

There is no might at all concerning his wishes and there is no other purpose for such a meeting and she is not going to be able to keep him in her life as a useful "friend".or far worst as backup in case her current relationship does not work out.

The married vows that she had agree to take with her current lover is to forsaking all others and that include her "best" friend if he happen to be in love with her.
.

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@Ragman,

Thank you, Ragman!

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@jespah,

I am not clear re his saying he loves her. I love a lot of people, most of them not including strong sexual impulse.

He may have meant he regards her very well and she is over reacting.

2 Replies

@BillRM,

My fiance is my best friend and lover; however, that doesn't mean that I can't have other close friends. You're reading a little too much into my words.

I agree that it had probably been under the surface for some time, and that my actions hadn't helped the situation, though I was unaware until after the fact. He knew of my situation before anything occurred. He was not entirely an unknowing victim. I expressed everything openly. I can't take it back now. All I can do is work with the situation I have. Just because he cares doesn't mean I disown our friendship. He is still my friend. It just so happens he has romantic feelings I do not reciprocate. I understand it's not a good situation for him, and now that you mention it, I do agree to keep a distance until he finds someone of his own. Sometimes that is just best.

I have explained to him that we may remain friends, though there is nothing sexual or romantic that can exist as I am with someone I have decided to share my life with. I am happy and I take my relationship seriously. He told me he understood. I've apologized. All I can do now is give him space and hope that in the future he finds someone worthwhile and that we remain friends.

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@jespah,

He messaged asking if he may pick me up and we could go into town to shop/browse/catch up on everything. I feel as if it's more of a 'date' idea to him than it is two friends casually spending time together. My fiance is okay with me seeing him, but is not very enthusiastic to meet him himself. I'm thinking maybe it's best to let him resolve everything on his own and to move on. I will remain in contact but I don't plan on spending time with him. At the end of the day I care more about my relationship than my friendship, and I would rather be sure my fiance is happy and feels secure. He said it was okay, but I think he is just saying it because he thinks that it will make me happy.

It's one of those situations that I would prefer to be safe than sorry. Things are going great and I'm not going to be the one to let something interfere. Thank you so much for your input, though! I really appreciate it.

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@BillRM,

Why does a friend equate to a 'back-up' to you? I made it clear I have no feelings for him. I do not keep back-ups. That is like being in a relationship that you have already condemned to failure. If someone feels the need to have a Plan B, they are already unhappy and are looking for reasons to get out.

He actually asked to meet in a public place, not private. I do think in either place he would make a point to let me know how he feels/what he wants/etc. I definitely do not need that.

You say my agreement to marriage forsakes all others, and yet you imply I may use him for a back-up plan. I do not understand your logic. I am serious about my engagement, hence why I am even engaged.

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@ossobuco,

Quote:

I love a lot of people, most of them not including strong sexual impulse.

LOL how many of those people had you been in bed with?

0 Replies

@ossobuco,

He was very clear about his want of a relationship and his feelings. Most of my friends tell me they love me, but this is different. To love and to be in love are far apart.

0 Replies

@Tankard137,

Tankard137 wrote:

He messaged asking if he may pick me up and we could go into town to shop/browse/catch up on everything. I feel as if it's more of a 'date' idea to him than it is two friends casually spending time together. My fiance is okay with me seeing him, but is not very enthusiastic to meet him himself. I'm thinking maybe it's best to let him resolve everything on his own and to move on. I will remain in contact but I don't plan on spending time with him. At the end of the day I care more about my relationship than my friendship, and I would rather be sure my fiance is happy and feels secure. He said it was okay, but I think he is just saying it because he thinks that it will make me happy.

It's one of those situations that I would prefer to be safe than sorry. Things are going great and I'm not going to be the one to let something interfere. Thank you so much for your input, though! I really appreciate it.

I think that you're picking up on things correctly. He seems to be wanting more, and it's not going to help things if you go along with him - he may very well see it as an "in" and then push for more. Probably best to let that sleeping dog lie.

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