Dating a Widowed Man

It takes time for people to move on. But eventually we all do. Of course there will be traces of her memory, but i dont think its even sane to even compare. I mean she is deceased.
As someone started getting in his life, he will move forward and make space.
It is not you will never be his first, but even i would find it weird showing his in - laws my new girl, out of respect and fear.
Take it slow, stop thinking, you are both mature people. So make it worth.

Consider that these sexual issues (the lack of action) may have been happening in the past, even when the wife was alive.

It is something that needs to be discussed.

Do not delay in talking to each other about it.

I too am dating a widowed man. We met about 5 months after he lost his wife. We didn't just bump into one another on the street. I found him on a dating site leading me to believe he was ready to move on. I didn't know at 1st that it hadn't been very long for him. He opened up to me a lot about how he was feeling & I could actually relate to him because my Mom was widowed at age 41 & I was only 10 so I saw how it affected her emotionally. At 1st we always had to meet out somewhere as he didn't feel his teenage daughters would understand that their father was starting to see someone other than their Mother which I can DEFINITELY relate to because it was hard for me to imagine my Mom with anyone other than my Dad after he died, but even though I was so young, I knew I could never expect her to stay single the rest of her life. I've never pressed the issue of him telling them about us. After a few months I finally got to meet them, but they don't know that nature of our relationship. They just think we're acquaintances or they're very good at hiding that they've figured us out. They're such sweethearts & I've not only fallen in love with their father, I've "fallen in love" with them too. I just have a son & always wanted to have a daughter, but I'm not getting any younger & I'm not sure if more (biological) children are in my future. I have to admit that it would mean the world to me to be the mother of his child. He's talked about marriage, how he'd need to make room for my son in the house for in the future etc leading me to believe it's just a matter of time til we're a blended family & I get the honor of growing old with him. As time has passed & holidays have come about, he seems to regress which is understandable. I didn't get to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years with him which stung quite a bit. Don't get me wrong, I know it was his the 1st ones without her, but on the other hand, they were supposed to be our 1st ones together. He hasn't told too many people that we're dating. I feel like he's afraid of what people will think because he started dating so soon after her death which is understandable, but it makes me feel like a "dirty secret" His sister from out of state came to visit late January & I didn't get to meet her. I don't even know if she knows about me. The thing that surprises me is he told me he loved me 1st. When we 1st met I got to see him & talk to him quite frequently, but as time has passed, I don't get to see him or talk to him as often as before. I've told him from day 1 that I'm in this for the long haul as I know his emotional wounds still haven't healed, but the year anniversary of her death was January & we'll be together 10 months soon & I don't know how I've made it this far. He's the 1st widow I've ever dated & sometimes I don't know what to say or what not to say. Somehow I feel like he's slipping away from me & I don't want to lose him. Is there anyone out there who's a widow themselves & can give some advice? I want to ask him if he'd be willing to go to therapy to help him deal better with his grief & to also help us as a couple to get through it together to make him realize he doesn't have to go through it alone. I think it'd be good to have a neutral party help give advice. I've never told him how badly this is all hurting me because I feel like it would be selfish as what I'm going through pales in comparison to what he's going through, but I'm not sure if he even realizes how this is affecting me. I want SO badly to remind him that HE'S the one that put himself out there for someone like me to find him to start dating. If he truly wasn't ready to move on yet, he should never have signed up to find someone. I know that statement sounds heartless, but it's true. No one put a gun to his head to make him sign up on a dating site nor for him to respond to the message I sent showing interest in him. Anyone who reads this may think that I want him to forget she ever existed, but I'd never let that happen as she was the mother of 2 of his kids. I have nothing against her. She never did anything to me & I have no ill will towards her in any way shape or form. I will also make sure his girls never forget about her either, not that they would. What I mean is that I don't want them to "sweep her under the rug" when I'm around. I'd never try to "replace" their mother as no one ever could as I know no one will ever replace my Dad. Anyone else had a same/similar experience?

Le - he met you WAY too soon. He is not through grieving. In fact, the pressure from your relationship may be blocking his grief process.

If you really feel like this, you must give this much time and space.

I feel you also moved too fast by involving the children at this time.

Please step BACK and let this man and his daughter sort things out.

Just be there as a friend.

I am dating a widowed man, he is very good to me and i love him so much but 90% of the time i want to cry knowing i would always be second best. Most of the things in his house is a reminder of her. Handbag hanging over the char , her bicycle in the garage ,2half see seals of there love that fit in each other .........what breaks me the most is he does not want to marry again(i have not been married and can not wait for my special day)have not any children and does not want any children think because it's not his wife's children . This is only the beginning of what is going on . Should i stay or should i go?I DO LOVE HIM it is so hard for me!

Like you said, you'll always be second best to his late wife, so ditch him and find a nice guy who'll make you his Number One..
I went through something like that when I dated middleaged Miriam a few years ago, she'd got divorced from her hub after he ran off with another woman, but she couldn't stop telling me she still loved him.
I told her to forget him but she wouldn't, so I ditched her..

I read all the things you said and i wanted your opinion on my case. I met a widower (age 37 i am 35) online and we were chatting and webcaming for 2 months when we decided to meet. He lives in Germany i live in Greece so his plan to come and visit me where unexpected. He has a little son of 2 years and his wife (greek as well) died in a car crash here in Greece both him and the son were in the car but survived... We had a wonderful time while we were together and we did have sex with problems of course from his part. We also discussed how difficult this whole thing would be with the distance and his situation. But he did tell me that he wanted to move on with his life he will always love his wife but wants to move on that he likes greek girls and he wants his son to grow up with his moms culture as well. This guy quickly stole my heart with his openness and honesty and he would always tell me i was the only person that could make his day and make him smile. And then the little boys birthday came up. A difficult time of course. and a couple of weeks after that we have arranged for me to fly over and see him. I suggested i should stay in a hotel as it would be weird for him to have me in his house but he would hear nothing about it. He wanted me there. His parents inlaws etc new about me and my visit. A week before my trip he announced that he misses his wife terribly he hates his life and he only has strength for his son. I told him i do understand and that he is not ready to move on. He asked me to be his friend as he really likes me but he doesnt want a relationship and it was a mistake to look for a greek girl as it brings back memories. As you understand i was devastated as it very uncommon for me to feel comfortable with someone.
I understand that he is not ready and i cant do much to help but my question is do i just let him be and pray he will at some point come back or be there once in a while for him.

I am so confused

Most of these scenarios have been in the one to two year time frame. My guy is windowed 5 years, and we have been a devoted couple for over 4 of those years. I am involved with his family And his in laws and his friends. We are solely committed to each other. However the dresser is full of his late wife's clothes as is the closet. The top of the dresser holds her photos jewelry etc. the nightstand held her loose last worn earrings until I safely put them in the jewelry box. He and his daughters continue vacationing in the same home they rented as a family. I wanted to provide support and patience and having lost my own mom a month before his wife's passing, my understanding was immense. I've reached the point now where its gone on too long. I left him after letting him know I needed to feel like more of a priority and have a place in the family(& a full dresser instead of a couple drawers). I came back when he told me losing me was losing his best friend. Problem: the dresser is still full, top and interior, and, at the conclusion of this years "family vacation" he immediately booked the summer house for next year.

People are irreplaceable. You can't take her place and she can't take yours. A person can have more than one great love in life. When it comes to grief...there's no allotted time. I once heard a widow say, the reason he didn't take the pictures down was because he felt it would somehow devalue the memory of how important the person had been. People grieve differently. When my mother lost her 2nd husband she was mid-forties)...she couldn't even bear to look at a picture of him without crying...so-she took all of them down. She never even dated anyone else. So--it's a matter of timing. If your not getting what you need, tell him. Don't blame him or give him a guilt trip ...he's either ready or his not.

If he loves you too then whats the problem..married a widower is not a big deal.So just do whatever you think is right for you.

Maybe he's still grieving or having guilt concerning putting the past away.

Aloha, Shanhun!

I am currently in the midst of a terrible break-up with a widow.

I met him on-line last October. He rushed to set up a date with me, within 2 days. Apparently, I met his standards and he pursued me intensely and immediately. So persistent. I kind of liked him but wasn't that thrilled with him. That first date, I screened him for grieving (among other things )and he assured me he is over his wife, not grieving and ready to move on: a total misrepresentation.

I believed him that he was ready. His wife had died in April of 2008, at 50 years old, after a five year battle with breast cancer, that left them financially destitute, as they scoured the planet looking for miracle cures. So it had been 5 or 6 years since she died and here I am thinking that that was an adequate time interval. Silly me.

He wanted to see me every day, but I put him off for a while. He kissed me so passionately on our third date that I wanted more. I let him rush me into a sexual relationship. Then I was hopelessly hooked on him.

We were quickly a tight pair of lovebirds, inseparable. Rarely a day went by that we weren't together. We had so much fun. I told him I loved him after 2 weeks and he said the same after about 3 or 4 weeks. It was blissful and I told everyone what a good catch I had made on the internet. He is handsome, has a good job, is very attentive, has good manners. My girlfriend said he was a "man of substance".

Over the next few months, we started having problems: he blew me off on NY eve (he got too drunk to call me or even text when he was in Phoenix), he was talking about some immigrant girl he was dating in Phoenix, he didn't seem interested in getting to know me (my hopes, my dreams, interests, even my full name!!), he spoke too often of his wife. He referred to her as "my wife". My wife was slim. My wife got cancer. My wife had big feet. My wife was a good horse woman. My wife was strong. My wife was a self-taught accountant. Ha!

He was emotionally distant. He admitted he had a history of depression. He wouldn't plan anything with me and never spoke about our relationship or our future. He didn't want to display our picture. He didn't have a shrine to her but he had a picture of her up.

These behaviors really irked me and I would blow up at him, not fully realizing he was still connected to his wife. (He kept telling me he wasn't). Then we'd make up and it would be great again for a while.

I knew the relationship was wrong and broke up with him on seven occasions over 10 months. We fought about him talking about other women, his wife especially, him being rude to me, his financial dissarray, going on an interview to another state for another job without discussing it with me, etc. These were true signs that it was not a good match, but I was so addicted to him. I thought I could fix him with my love. I thought I could hook him with good sex.

He would talk about how rich he and his wife were, the fabulous vacations, the possessions, the horse ranch, the houses. They were living the high life-his own words. She was the bosses's daughter and they were very wealthy.

After this last break up, I went on-line to research dating widows and was flabberghasted by what I read. It can be impossible to replace the deceased wife in a widow's mind and heart. I especially found Abel Keough's page very helpful. I realized I'm fighting a losing battle. He is not ready to commit to a new woman and might not ever be. I might not be the first girl he has tricked, either. I am a bed warmer, a diversion, relief for his loneliness. I will always be second best, sloppy seconds. This is not what I want for myself. The tough part about all of this is his flat denial that this is what is happening. I'm just causing problems. He is sarcastic and unapologetic about everything as well. I feel tricked.

I am so angry with him about all of this, dragging me into his marriage, bringing her ghost to our relationship, and then denying it all. It left me feeling very confused and lost. I am so hurt, so sad. He has wasted almost a year of my life. I could be anyone, any woman. I am not special to him at all. I wanted a partner and all I had was a shell.

Then I remembered a saying I had read somewhere that if you feel confused about something, it's because someone is lying to you about something. You mention you feel confused. It's because you're being lied to.

My friend Diana says, "If you fall in love with someone, you can FALL OUT". I am actively falling out by taking good care of myself and family, listening to music, journalling and educating myself about this terrible trap I fell in.

Shanhun, are you still around? I'm in the same exact situation you were in 2012, I'm 34 dating a 40 year old widower who lost his wife to cancer about a year ago. Everything you have expressed, I feel exactly the same. Hope you get this message and can help and give me advice, so I don't spend my mid 30's wasting my time with some who is using me to cope although he communicates how he will do whatever it takes to makes us work and how much he loves me...

There's no way you will be okay with being "second place" after you sleep with him. Be very careful. You wouldn't tolerate being "second place" from a divorced or never married man. Would he tolerate you still pining for that handsome guy you loved and had to move far away from in college? No person should be okay hearing: "you're okay, but if I had my choice, I'd be with so&so" He shouldn't be dating until he's 100% available. Make sure you are his number one before you sleep with him (or marry him). Women are wired to be number one to their husbands. Wives tolerating their husbands having emotional affairs with their late spouse is crazy! We wouldn't (or shouldn't) tolerate it from anyone else. (I think it's because everyone wants to dream that they will never be forgotten by their spouse when they die. If your husband still loves his first wife more, guess what? You've already been forgotten while you're still ALIVE!!! There's no way he'll give you the same dedication when you're gone.)
------ widowed and remarried to a widower for 3 years.

Its not bad dating with a widowed man but also have to keep in mind about the status and age difference between to both.

If he's ready to take a new woman's time, he is ready to make the new woman No. 1 as opposed to no-one. Widowers sicken me with this entitled attitude, they want their cake and to eat it too. They enjoy in a weird way, this comfort, consideration and attention bestowed on them because of their hardship'' being a widower. They wouldn't get half this sympathy if everyone knew the high bedroom jinks as well as support, love and affection the new woman is giving them. So they try to keep all the balls in the air. Usually the woman dating the widower has had a crock of hardship too. She could be from an abusive relationship, she could have struggled for years being a single mother, she too could have suffered bereavement. Yet somehow there is no sympathy for a woman going through all this. And when she dates a widower, her past and suffering are to be conveniently forgotten as the poor widower's suffering must come first and he must get all the attention and consideration. This societal kid glove treatment and reverence for widowers is ridiculous. It is not the same for women, even those left with small children.

I've dated one widower for 8 years, who managed to keep everything in the relationship in a holding pattern. I was naive, younger (stupidly) patient etc etc. He selfishly wasted my time with empty promises and nonsense, all the while wasting my 30s, wasting my patience, kindness and love, with no intention of giving me a decent relationship, stability and respectability. So be very cautious ladies, and do not allow any man away with that!

I met another widower and it was like groundhog day, except this time I stood my ground and didn't let him away with anything, any putting off plans - I broke it off, any hiding me from the children - I wouldn't see him when it did suit him. He had his big photos of his wife on the mantle piece or in the bedroom, there was no way I'd go there, and I wouldn't allow him use my place as an alternative. I spoke up for myself, you must have high self esteem to stand by what is right for you. That was the difference with me when I met the 2nd widower, 10 years later, I had a much higher sense of self, not putting someone else on a pedestal. Yes it's sad he went through that, but if he wants to take my time, if he can think of a sexual relationship with me, he better live up to the commitment necessary. We all have had our thorns and our crosses to bear, each person is important in the relationship.

Widowers will act as if you are their primary source of love and affection, your time is to be spent with them, when THEY want. Yet, like a Mistress, they expect you to disappear so they can continue with their widower mantle of gloom when they are surrounded by certain people. They then can enjoy running around enjoying their newly found freedom too, so all in all, if you LET them, this is a great situation - for one person only. You end up depleted, frustrated, let down, strung along and with plummeting self esteem. From the very start you must make it clear, they are with you now and they can't be enjoying the best of the relationship without giving of themselves back.

My advice is speak out. Have high self esteem, if a man wants to be with you and take your time, don't give him too many concessions. Those wife photos need to be moved from the central rooms of the house, and very importantly OUT of his bedroom. If he can make love to you, he should be putting you first, and getting new photos of you and him. Don't wait around for things to improve, playing second fiddle to him and certainly do not play second fiddle to his late wife.

You're lucky it happened that way...same message right?

Yho its a difficult situation.I dated one from May2012 to October 2014.As reluctant as I was initially. I eventually fell inlove with him. He was so easy to love but my fears kept on haunting me as his house is as it was prior to death of his wife.with pictures and clothes including her robes hung in bathroom door. We brokeup a couple of time coz I had fears of being his second best. I thought I was doing well with caring and nurturig his only learnt this month of things he was llooming at that made me feel hurt as he outburst all at once after I raised a concern I had about a girl he flirted with. That lead to the most recent breakup due to his approach.and I felt he was defending the other lady and also while I thought i was doing things right as he never raise any concern with me about his kids until. Now made me feel i was on surveillance and whatever contribution I made was never acknowledged. I prayed about the situation daily and asked the soul of his late wife to help guide me in nurturing his 3 kids boys.but learnt the hard way that he has been looking at me and all the negatve he has been assessing without me knowing even in good times as a sensitive issue it was never raised. The other thing is he just expexted us to kiss and cuddle in presence of my 5yr old daughter who was not yet comfortable with that and I made him aware that her father was never there then and she has never been exposed to a mother daddy sharng a bed kind of environment and he knew the daddy is trying to win her back.what wld happen if I had just forced cuddling in her presence. The worst part we have a baby together about to turn o.e soon. He has just stopped visiting her too but its ok. Its not easy i miss him at tjmes but whenever I think of how negatively he perceived me and I was unaware.and how he approached made me feel as much as he said he loved me maybe he was inlove with the idea of having a mother of kids more than a partner. All I did was out of love for him.Am not perfect but I believe I played a substantial role in his healing and funny as much as i learnt later thru his outburst of how I didnt care much about his kids.they got along with me so I thought and I introdhced them to lots of things that a loving parent would. Such is life

Hi there I realize this is an old post but due to searching for answers I found it. It was like reading my own circumstances. Have you found peace with this situation? I'm confused thought about leaving alot but love him to much to do that. He says I make everything better and right but sometimes I wonder.

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