Dear Colbert Super PAC Inner Circle Members,
Thursday was historic. I think all of us will remember where I was on that day.
That's when I unveiled the new Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack, an exclusive kit that gives college students everything they need to start their own Super PACs. It is full of stuff young people love: federal election commission paperwork, detailed filing instructions, and more legal disclaimers than you can shake a stick at!*
Plus, the Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack also includes a "Turtles Don't Like Peanut Butter" T-Shirt, a pair of Colbert Super PAC socks, an official-seeming certificate, and a genuine Super PAC dorm room sign -- in stunning 2-D!
Today, I'm happy to announce we've sweetened the deal -- although not literally, as we discovered that cardboard boxes cannot withstand being filled with high fructose corn syrup. However, every Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack will now contain your very own miniature version of my trusted advisor, Ham Rove. Your "Hamlet" Rove is guaranteed to raise your political stature or, if eaten, your cholesterol.
And we've got a special bonus if you order right now (or any time after now): a genuine 24-carat aluminum decoder ring. That's a prize previously available only in fifty-year-old boxes of Cracker Jacks.
This decoder ring will come in handy when you follow the clues on the enclosed Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack Treasure Map to discover a hidden treasure -- and win your college a visit from me, Stephen Colbert. And as a special treat, I'll even allow students to make eye contact with me. Not even my masseuse gets that!
So put down your computer, get online, and head over to www.colbertsuperpac.com
today for your Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack. Remember: You can't buy happiness, which is why, technically, the $99 for the Colbert Super PAC Fun Pack is just a "donation."
President and Chief Ham Canner Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow
*Colbert Super PAC is not responsible for any injury resulting in stick-shaking, stick-waggling, stick-jabbing, stick-stickling, or dead-cat-swinging.
Paid for by Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow
Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.