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Sun 4 Dec, 2011 11:35 pm
Hey :3
Sorry for this long question, but I'm pretty confused right now and need to get some things off of my chest.
First off, I always thought that I was straight. I never had any problem with homosexuality--a bunch of my friends are homosexual, after all--but I was never attracted to girls, only to guys. Still, I never had any major crushes on guys- I've always been pretty focused on academics, so romance was never a huge part of my life.
About two years ago (when I was 14, I'm 16 now), I met this girl who was openly pansexual. We took the same public transit route, so we were always together at the bus stop at the end of the day. We started talking, and we figured out that we share a lot of the same beliefs and opinions on many subjects (she's also the only other person I know that shares my love of national geographic and current events). When we disagreed on a subject, we'd have a friendly argument, which would usually end in us both talking over each other and laughing. It was such a great break from the usual highschool conversation, and we soon became closer as friends.
That was two years ago. Our friendship has grown since then, and I've become closer to two of my other friends as well- I'll call them friend A and B. The four of us are really comfortable around each other, and it's not uncommon for one of us- or three of us- to randomly crash at anothers house with no warning. Because of all of the time we've spent together, I've started thinking about this girl in a romantic kind of view (though not sexual, just romantic).
Since romance was never a big part of my life, I've never really thought about my sexual orientation, but two years ago I started questioning it (when I first entered highschool). Now that I have a crush on this girl, which has lasted the better part of a year by now, I've really started thinking about it. I'm pretty confused as to what sexuality I am, and I spend a lot of the time wondering about it. It was especially confusing when I started thinking of the girl romantically, but no sexualy. When I thought about this a bit further, I came to the conclusion that I'm more sexualy attracted to guys--but if I wanted a lasting relationship with someone, or if I was ever to get married, I would want it to be with a girl (I can't picture myself getting married to a guy, nor can I picture myself having sex with a woman). Does this make any sense to anyone other than myself?
It makes it even harder when we hang out, especially when all four of us are together. My friends always joke around about if they were lesbian, and how they would totally fall for someone in our little group. They'll (jokingly) ask how big a bed has to be to hold a fouresome, or they'll flirt with one another, etc, etc. One of them came out as bicurious a while ago. They all think I'm straight/asexual, since I've blocked off any romance while I'm figuring things out.
If I figure out that I'm not straight, I know for a fact that all of my friends will still love me and accept me, but I know that my father won't, and neither will my grandparents (if they found out, I'd be crossed out from their will and they'd probably never speak to me again).
Am I bi? Am I straight and just confused? What should I do about my friend that I have a crush on? Any advice would be thoroughly appreciated!
I get the feeling you're interested in this girl more because she's the only one who shares your interests and beliefs, rather than that you want to get physical with her. I could be wrong (of course), but I think that when someone feels culturally isolated, they often glom onto the person who seems the most like a kindred spirit.
But we have the 'net now. Finding people who share interests and beliefs is considerably easier now. Of course seeing them in person is not easier (and I realize you are 16 and you should not be flying off wherever to meet 'net strangers). But it is possible to make friends. As in, let's say you like, I dunno, Japanese anime. Well, there are boards for that, and you can get some exchanges going that way. Again, it is not a substitute for in-person contact, but you may find that if you get some of the positives that you get from her from other people, that she is of less interest to you.
This does not necessarily mean you are straight, by the way - and you can stop being interested in her and still end up being a gay or bi woman. But I think it would help, just in general, if you had more people to talk to who you have something in common with.
Why the rush to "label" your sexuality right now? Clearly, you are conflicted.
You will find that you will have crushes and will "love" many different people during your lifetime. Just let it happen.
When you start thinking about whose lips you want to kiss and whose body you want next to yours, then that might give you a clue.
It seems that you are in hyper-mode about all this. It's a hormone thing and you are at the peak of sexual drive/influence/stimulation - mostly right now from the people you associate with. Try to step back and cool down a little.
@Dyr,
I'd like to ask you if you see yourself as:-
A tomboy
An achiever in life, study is important to you
Shy to a degree
You have more male friends than female friends
At 16 we are finding, including "ourselves"
I am so different than what I was , when I was 16...
Our personalities at some point start to come out, if you were interested in "boys" viewed your life in that direction, but as stated above have a "bond" a real, I like her, I admire her, I want to be like her, she facinates me, I have feelings for her, but they are not sexual, may mean that she is what "you" want to break free and "be"...
Don't google and expect that what you read is "who you are" just because you can tick a few boxes.
I would suggest that you are finding out more about you, you are maturing and probably have been engrossed in study, now you see someone you want to be like and admire...
That's my thoughts on it, does any of that make sense?
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