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Wed 27 Jul, 2011 03:35 am
Took me 10 years to see that he reaaly does have npd. We have two children, one with autism, both are winderful kids. After realizing the problem, I set out finding ways to cope. I had to involve the community and call him out on his abusive behaviors (he was severely abused as a child, but calls it a "normal childhood"". I sent an email to local police, told our doctor, told my uncle, and called the police on him. I told him that we do not feel safe.
I wrote him a letter also explaining the need for us to feel safe, and the specific behaviors that would no longer be tolerated. I let him know his behaviors have consequences. It has helped, he still pushes it, but not so far.
Currently I am working on changing my habits, getting healthier, etc...
I am still afraid to leave my kids alone with him. Not so much from physical violence, but from his need to hurt others. For instance, he devastated my 5 year old when he told her, "I wish (Olivia) was my daughter (as is our daughter was not worthy or wanted). it hurt her so bad. He thinks that it was ok to say that.
Or one time he was at the table with both kids age 8 and 9. he was playing the "lying game" to see who could tell the best lies. I told him that he was sending the wrong message to our kids, but he doesnt think so. Nothing is ever his fault. EVER.
The worst part is that there is NO substance to our relationship. None. it is like living with a monster at times, or a ghost at other times. He lies, talks me in circles etcc... so there is never any real communication at all.
My youngest is displaying his behaviors: blaming others, lying, she wont go to counseling. hypersensitive of criticism, vengful...
My austic daughter is very sensitive also. She is such a blessing.
He will quote the bible, remembering things other people that he respected have told him yet has no real notion of love, God, empathy, kindness. I talked to him about empathy. He said that he saw a bum and gave the bum some money, so he does have empathy. I told him that sympathy is not empathy. He is never satisfied except in the most basic way of sex.
His father beat him mother in front of him, beat him, told him he was worthless, whipped him till he bled.
I love my husband, but there is no husband. Just a scared 6 year-old who never grew up and who hides in the man. i saw that person once. It was the only time I have ever seen my true husband.
We went to counseling. the lady said he was dual diagnosis. He says he is totally sane and that I am crazy. he said if I ever leave he will make everyone think I am crazy, and I'll never see my kids.
Leaving him WILL NOT make me feel safer ( a nps man recently shot himself and child in a custody dispute). Leaving will not make the fighting better. Yet, I am sad that everyday is fighting, arguing, abuse, protection. My kids deserve loving kindness, support, listening to, days of love. If I had known this about him, I would not have married him or had kids with him.
My life is in Gods hands now. I am capable, I can do what must be done, but here I dont see a better way.
That is my real npd story.
susan
@suezbee,
You are in an abusive relationship, and an intolerable situation, which you feel is also harmful to your children, but you don't want to leave your husband. And you know that your husband is not going to change.
What type of advice are you seeking here?
Quote:We went to counseling. the lady said he was dual diagnosis.
Why did she say he was "dual diagnosis"--does he also have a substance abuse or drinking problem?
What did the counselor advise you to do about the situation regarding your marriage?
If your main reason for remaining with your husband is fear of what he will do if you leave, perhaps you need to seek counseling for yourself, preferably with someone who specializes in abusive relationships and knows the resources for women in such situations. Seeing a therapist or a counselor, by yourself, will provide you with a source of emotional support, and that person can help you sort out all of your options and help you deal with your current situation.
Quote:Currently I am working on changing my habits, getting healthier, etc...
What sort of things are you working on? In what ways are you trying to change?
Quote:My life is in Gods hands now
Your life is also in your hands. Go into therapy and get some help for yourself so that you will be able to make a better life for yourself and your children.
Unless you get your head on straight, you will talk yourself into being STUCK in this situation.
Do you care about your children? Love them enough to get a plan to protect them from living with a nut case. Otr you will have 2 other people who have dual diagnosis.
Contact the local women's shelter and get a plan for when you are ready to act.
@suezbee,
You live my life and it scares me to read this. I have been married for 35 years and have twin boys, age 17. My one son is dx Autism and the old child is dx Aspergers. You describe my husband to a tee. I, like you, am at the crossroads and living in an intolerable situation. My husband is an alcoholic and has engaged in abusive behavior with me (physically) and sexually since my boys were born. I've been told I am nothing - not a woman - because I will not let my husband tie me up and have anal sex with me. Two years ago my husband had men calling the house for him - he says he isn't gay - these were massage and escort services. My husband is like a two dimensional cardboard character - he is repetitive and pedantic - at times he seems to be cognitively impaired. He repeats the same subject over and over - he is impulsive and has difficulty with judgement. He cannot write a check or use an atm card. In the past few years he takes my sons to church and then uses the time to put on the poor mouth to make people feel sorry for him. He complains about me to anyone who will listen. He brought his slightly-older brother here (who is a nut job) and had him get into my face about the relationship with my hsuband. He has complained and whined to his brother telling him that he works 90 hours a week (not true) - his brother came here and said "I feel like taking him (my husband) out of here so he doesn't die" I reminded him that my husband looks like death warmed over because he is drunk most days and doesn't sleep or eat. It all boils down to demolishing my character. My husband has multiple conversations with his family instead of the so-called "Christian" counselor he had been seeing. I wonder how this counselor and psychiatrist can understand him taking Prozac and getting drunk? None of it makes sense and it all seems that he is incapable of taking any responsibility.
The bottom line is this - I am leaving and taking my sons with me. I am in the process of figuring my life out!
@elizafrr,
Glad to hear you are doing that, elizafrr. I'm no expert but a lot of people who have been through it have posted on a2k on how to leave safely.
I'd say to first contact a women's shelter.
There are likely various things you need to take care of and they can help you with that.
Let us know how it is going.
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