A Middle-Aged Orphan

He used to leave his threats and drivellings on the work answer machine, amongst other places that meant I would actually have been able to take action. Very obliging and stupid...He never got my home number... and I have no listing in the phone book, a silent number, and an address suppressed on the electoral roll!

I'm glad he didn't and can't get to you. Family meshuginas! And mishigos.

Re: A Middle-Aged Orphan

My condolences Roberta, and you're definitely not alone in feeling disconnected. As others here have said "irrevocably lost" and "no one is left who knows you quite as well". It's a real loss.

They were joking about it, but adopting new parents (informally) is not actually a bad idea! People often create a "family of choice" when their "family of origin" isn't quite there for them.

In my own situation, I don't know if my parents are alive or not. We haven't spoken in ten years and I don't really know where they are, or even if they're still in the U.S. If they died a few years ago I'm not sure if any relatives would have told me.

There is a disconnection there. The only way I can put my life together in a workable way is to find other people to connect with. There's an elderly couple down the street who I've greatly admired and cared about for a few years. They're the kind of people I wish I could have as parents -- so I try to hang out with them, share things, and just be with them. Not in a dependent or needy way, but just for the sake of seeing and being seen. Just to be there.

Of course, my situation seems uncommon.
Self-determination has shaped me as a person more than genetics has.
In this respect, an idealogical/spiritual/emotional parent actually sees and understands me better than a biological/genetic parent. In a deep sense I get to choose my parents, over and over again.

It's not the things you can't do in life that matter. It's the things you can.
It's not the things you lose in life that fill your soul. It's the things you can create, build and share.

Sorry if that sounds preachy or anything ... just trying to hang on like everyone else.
Connect wherever you can, and be well.

Diane- You are not alone in this. For years, I felt that my father was the "villian", that he was stifling my mother, and encouraging her fearfulness and negativity. I even once tried to convince my mother to leave him. My father died suddenly, in his early 60's, so I didn't look forward to his death..........but I was glad of it.

I really thought that his death would free my mother to be her own person. To a certain extent it did. I helped her deal with her agoraphobia to the point where she was essentially free of it. I pushed her to go to college, and she finally earned her degree at 75.

Bottom line though, I realized one thing. Basically, my mother was the same person as she was when my father was alive, although after his death she was able to accomplish things that she never could have done were my father around. It took me a long time to realize that their relationship was symbiotic.

I envy people who can both live and die with gusto and a bit of humor. I agree heartily with phoenix that breaking up a marriage cannot greatly change the character of either partner. People who remarry generally seek the same type person each time.

Always tough to work out parents' relationships!

Welcome, Smiley. Your post hit on something that many people do, make their own family. I was able to do the same by making sure I was close and spent lots of time with people who loved me. Also, I had an aunt who was like a surrogate mother and my uncle served as the father I had always wanted. I think those experiences kept me from drowning in depression.

Deb, you are a wonder. It is clear why you went into mental health and spend your life helping others. I'm sure you are one of the very best.

Smiley, My friends are my family. But there's no one I view as a parental figure. In fact, because my mother had Alheimer's for so long, there hasn't been a parental figure in my life for some time. I need one--or two. Or maybe I just need time to adjust to the disconnection I feel.

Diane and Phoenix, My parents' relationship was far from ideal. It was, in fact, symbiotic. It took me a long time to understand that they may not have been a loving couple, but they absolutely needed each other.