A Middle-Aged Orphan

Miss Emily Dickenson responded to the same situation with the following:

My life closed twice
Before its close
It yet remains to see
If immortality unveil
A third event to me
So huge, so hopeless to conceive
As these that twice befell
Parting is all we know of Heaven
And all we need of Hell

Thanks, Boss.

Roberta, No! You are not the only one. My father is the only human that I have ever been with at the hour of death. It was not nearly as traumatic as I had expected, because he went out like a lion. When my mother died years later, I was not there, but she was 93 and just quit living. After her death, I realized that my parents were no longer, and it sorta washed over me. I had always been silently taught independence, so the cutting of the ribbon was something like a clean break.

No, Roberta, you're not the only one. Both of my parents are gone, too. My father died when I was 36. My mother died when I was 43. I remember the "orphaned" feeling well. It was only five or six years ago.

In my case, as in many others, roles had changed as my mother and I got older. We were close. She became more dependent on me, often taking the child's role while I became, more and more, the parent. Losing her was terrible...I miss her all the time...but it was not devastating. It has just taken some getting used to. It means that I am one of the "old folks" now.

The death of one's parents is not only an emotional loss, it is a major psychological divide. Not only is a link with the past severed, you are at last, truly and irrevocably, on your own.

I'm so sorry for your loss Roberta and I somewhat know the feeling. My father died suddenly when I was 21 and that was very devistating for me as I was very close to him.

My sincere condolences to you, Roberta

Both my parents passed, and I did feel disconnected afterward.

My eldest sibling and I were speaking about how weird it seemed after mom passed in 2001. My dad passed at 70 yrs and mom at 86 yrs., I cared for mom during her illness before her death in 2001.

We miss both parents and also our youngest sib, especially during the holidays.

I will get back to you on this one, Boida.

My heart goes out to you (((Roberta))).

There are some excellent resources on the net that might help you deal with your feelings of loss.

The best I know of for dealing with death is Grief Recovery Online

God bless

~Brooke

Letty, My father's death was more traumatic for me than my mother's. She was old (92) and had Alzheimer's disease, so, in fact, I've been mourning her absence for some time. I had thought about her passing often in the months before it happened. I just wasn't expecting to feel so "isolated."

Yes, Eva, One of the old folks now. Next in line, so to speak. That bothers me less than I thought it would. Yes, my mother and I had changed roles in the last few years.

Acquiunk, You hit the proverbial nail on the proverbial head. Irrevocably on my own. Maybe I'm not as independent as I thought I was.

Montana, Thanks. I was fortunate to have both my parents around for a long time. A sudden loss such as the one you mention is truly devastating.

Stradee, Oh, the holidays are especially hard. My mother died on Christmas Eve.

Brooke, Thanks for your kind words and for the link. I may do so exploring.

My thoughts are with you Roberta {{{hug}}}

Sorry to hear about your mother, Roberta. Please accept my condolences.

My father died 10 years ago, but my mother, though aged, is still very much with us. I didn't get along with my father, but the event certainly resonated in ways I didn't really expect. I know the same will be true when my mother's time has come.

Roberta, the feeling of being an orphan is really odd for one who is middle aged and who has been the 'parent' of the parent for a few years.

My father died when i was 17, but my mother lived until 1988. The feeling of being an orphan was a total surprise and almost embarrassing, yet there it was--the feeling of isolation and loneliness.

Yes, acquiunk did hit it on the head. The past is irrevocably lost. No one is left who knew you quite in the same way as your parents--even if their understanding was of someone whom they wished you could have been--which described my mother until the day she died.

So, querida, mourn and don't think you've gone a little crazy (but please stay as delightfully crazy as you already are). I think this feeling must be universal.

a simple ditto to diane's post, querida.

My dad died 30 years ago. Right after that, over a period of months, I found my role changing from having a mother, to becoming my mother's mother. I have been my mother's mother for all that time.

Over the last few years, (she's 94 now) I have been watching her die, by inches. Although she still can live alone, with a lot of help from me, her memory has been failing, at first imperceptably, now more rapidly.

I find that I am angry with her most of the time.

I know just what you mean, Boida.

I was surprised by the feeling, too - though my father's death was a huge release, after having been (unintentionally on his part - 'twas just his personality, poor darlin'!) tortured and tormented by him - especially since my mother's death in 1968.

He died in 1992 - and, while I had been, emotionally, I thought, utterly alone (family-wise - not friend wise) since my mother's death - which added to the sense of psychological aloneness that had begun with my sister's death in 1961 - I was stunned at the odd feeling his passing gave me - despite the immense relief.

When I say stunned, it is odd, since I had expected the feeling, it being a normative response to the death of one's last parent - but I guess the actuality of it, as opposed to the IDEA of it was different.

It did not last long, since my family has been my friends for many, many years.

I call myself an orphling, when asked!

Re what Phoenix posted above - I found that nursing my mother through her dying (I began doing this at 13, and nursed her while she was totally bed-ridden for about 8 months - she was in denial of her metastasised breast cancer, and went into hospital only when my father persuaded the local doctor to come, despite her refusal - she died in hospital 2 months later) was very easy - despite my age, and the sheer amount of work it was caring for her, taking on the housework and cooking, and going to school. I suppose this was because I loved her so much, and because she remained compos mentis until the very end - that is, she was HERSELF throughout.

Caring for my father - though I did, in fact, much, much less - was excruciating - partly because I always wanted to run miles from him, and was locked in always doing less than I felt I should, and much more than I wanted to - and because it went on for years and years.

So - oddly, I think it is easier to lose a truly loved person, than someone with whom we have a very difficult relationship.

So it goes...

dlowan- Amen to that. With my mother, I am torn between two conflicting emotions. I want to do what is "right". I also am full of resentment that I have been a far better mother to her, than she ever was to me.

Sigh - yet, I must say that by showing compassion to her, part of me believes that you are evolving at a greatly accelerated rate.


The fact that my father still haunts my nightmares tells me that I failed at this particular life hurdle...