What I might say to?

a Christian:
What are You doing in a forum? Do you think that God doesn’t notice believers are just using the Internet as an excuse to ‘avoid’ Having To Physically Go Into All The World and do what Jesus commands [Mark 16:15-18]? Ergo, most believers aren’t joining forums to serve God or experience fellowship in Christ but rather they just want to boast and start arguments and insult everyone who doesn’t agree with their limited understanding of “God” or even worse and perhaps more likely; they were tempted into a forum by the devil to distract them From God? Thus, “forums” created to entice idle lazy disobedient believers to cower behind Alias usernames hatefully spewing biblical quotes from ignorance instead of declaring their Real names and going into the Real world and serving God as they Really should be doing and perhaps like many believers that spend all their time studying the bible instead of ‘doing’ what it says? Can you say: [BUSTED!]?

an atheist:
Why do you call yourself an atheist when You can’t prove God does not exist any more than Christians can prove God does exist? Why do you like the taste of mustard? Why do you not like the taste of mustard? Who cares? Believers cannot prove the existence of God any more than Science can prove God doesn’t exist or can prove the big bang theory or intelligent design or any other theories of how mankind was created. That’s why it’s called a “theory” because theories cannot be proven unless/until they are proven and you’ll almost certainly be deceased without ever knowing or proving?

But maybe you’re exploring forums because you’re not truly an atheist either and so you’re naturally trying to find out which “theory” might be best for You to believe? And if you really want to know if God exists, you shouldn’t be asking this forum but rather you have to ask God because that’s the way it works and if so, you’re in luck because your options are simple too? It’s either True or False that God exists. Which means:
1. False; if God doesn’t exist and you’re content to choose death as your inevitable destiny, then you will die an atheist.
2. True; if God does exist and you choose death instead of eternal life in paradise, then you will die an atheist and then be resurrected only to suffer God’s wrath for eternity instead.

Hmmm, wonder what a sane person would hope for? What were the choices again? Oh ya, it’s either eternal paradise or eternal suffering. Yikes that’s a toughy because who in their right mind would want to pass up the hope for ‘eternal suffering’?

Your choice. . . . tick . . . tick . . . tick . . .

an agnostic:
Uhhhh, welcome to the real world amidst the rest of us ignoramuses that don’t know everything and can’t prove much of anything else and don’t need to give it a Name? Though neither right nor wrong and it’s certainly your prerogative to sit on the fence; did you ever think of Making Up Your Mind About Something, as long as it’s not something evil, and ‘going with it’ to see what it might lead to? Most common synonyms for agnostic:
ignorant, clueless, unsure, dumbfounded, constipated, wishy-washy, whiney, honest, uncommitted, hypocrite, doubtful, along with hundreds of others most of which perhaps most people would probably not want to be thought of ‘as’?
Some possibly expected responses for when someone says: “Hey everyone, I’m agnostic.”:
1. Who cares? 2. Either ____ or get off the pot. 3. Oh sorry; my condolences. 4. Why? 5. And You’re proud of that because? 6. Good for you. 7. Have you tried therapy? 8. What time is it? 9. Love to stay and chat but I’ve actually made up my mind to be something today. 10. How? 11. Is it contagious/hereditary?

. . . tick . . . tick . . . tick . . .

I’ve been accused of being each of the 3.