Worst Analogies - feel free to add your own

@tsarstepan,

As a rabid reader of movie credits, I like that one too..

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The Bulwer-Lytton contest is always a hoot, Mame! Thanks...I hadn't seen any of the entries in several years. I have absolutely no mascara left on my eyes now.

The vile puns were the worst. I dislike puns to begin with, and the "open-toad sandals" one literally made me scream! Hilarious!!!

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those dark and stormy night ones sound like they could have been written by gus.

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The kid sighed in utter despair. With the unexpectedly sunny and warm winter day, the walls of his newly engineered and cavernous snow fort was on the verge of meltdown like the proverbial snowball and its chance of surviving a trip through Hell.

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The face of the nasty old geezer who identified himself as Gustav
Ratzenhofer looked like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone, and I
was appalled, not by his face, although that was bad enough, but by the
fact that I was quoting Jim Croce -- to myself.

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Bravo! Bravo! What talent we have! Keep 'em coming!

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This whole thread is confusing to me.

Confusing like when you're seeing how high in the air you can throw a baby and still catch him safely in your arms in a field filled with hundreds of jagged pitchforks that have been buried, tongs-up, menacingly, like a field filled with thousands of jagged pitchforks that have been buried, tongs-up, even more menacingly, and you're throwing the baby up higher and higher, and you and the baby are both laughing in the sun, happy, happy like a satisfied monkey in the crook of a tree who falls asleep after eating a handful of juicy delicious giant maggots and drops the last two maggots out of his furry little monkey hand, and you and the baby are so delighted to be outside playing in the field that's filled with sharp pitchforks, sharp like an eagle's focus on a squealing rat's eyeball at it plucks it out with it's beak and gulps it down on a desert rock, the rat squealing like a pig being sliced in two with a giant buzz saw, and you've just thrown the baby up in the air really high, when suddenly two huge flying maggots crash directly into both of your eyes with twin splatting sounds, like the sounds a couple of hefty bags filled with vegetable soup might make hitting the pavement after a twelve-story drop, and you scream, and you hear the return scream of a nearby monkey and you can't see anything because of the maggot-matter in your eyes, and who knows where the baby is.

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kicky, that was strangly fulfilling.

The same type of feeling you get when you want to save time by not attaching the safety guard to your hand held circular saw, and you thing "what the heck, I'll save more time by not turning it off while I walk through this pile the tree branches while getting over to that crepe mrtyle that needs to be crowned" and you accidently drop the running saw on your bare foot, it being bare since you didn't want to bother to take the time to put on shoes, and you cut off the lower portion of that appendage and think "wow, I'll never have to deal with that ingrown toenail again."

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@chai2,

Well, I'm glad you found that strange tale fulfilling because I found it disturbing, as was yours.

Disturbing like when you answer a knock at your door and you find a cop standing there looking gravely at you, kind of menacing, in fact, and you immediately think, "****, what did I do?" even though you know you didn't do anything, but you think back over the past few days, weeks, and months, trying to figure out what the hell you could possibly have done to bring a cop to your door but you can't think of anything so then you think, "****, who died?" and you can't think of anyone who's on the brink of death, even though you might wish for it in certain cases, so having exhausted all possibilities, you give up and look at cop and say, "Yes?" and it turns out he wants to sell raffle tickets to something you don't even hear but buy because you're so relieved you're not in trouble and nobody's dead.

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@Mame,

Not as disturbing as when there's a knock on the door and the same cop is there, and you think "****, that body in the bathtub hasn't desolved yet, I knew I should have added more lye last night" and the cop says "congratulations, you won the raffle drawing from last month, and I'm here to deliver the grand prize, and you think "wow, I didn't even buy any raffle tickets, this must mean I'm invinceable" and you invite him in, knowing that you could lead him right into your bathroom and somehow you'd get away with it and so the cop comes in but he really isn't a cop he just used that as a way to get into your house to rob and rape you.

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@chai2,

You're a f'g lunatic, like the guy who gets on the bus and can't decide which seat he's going to sit in and he wanders up and down the aisle for 15 minutes irritating everybody with his big back pack which is connecting with a lot of heads and shoulders so finally someone gets really pissed off and shouts at him to SIT THE F" DOWN!!! And he looks so surprised because WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???

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The lengthy exchange between Mame and Chai reminds me of Cambridge, England in 1946 when Karl Popper confronted Ludwig Wittgenstein about the value of metaphysics which Wittgenstein denigrated but Popper upheld although observers have long considered this question resolved by Immanuel Kant's maxim that a metaphysics of morals is indispensably necessary not merely because of a motive to speculation of the practical basic principles that lie a priori in our reason but also because morals themselves remain subject to all sorts of corruption as long as we are without a norm by which to appraise them correctly.

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@wandeljw,

Speaking of 1946, Japanese women voted for the first time, which led to anarchy and riots. Why? Because they threw off their kimonos and silly little shoes and ran through the streets screaming, in Japanese, naturally, and all the people on the street started pointing, exclaiming and bumping into each other and people got pissed at being bumped and thrown about and OMG what a riot ensued!!! It was like... the battle between the Orcs and the Dwarves, only much worse and less understood. It was like everybody was speaking a foreign language, if you know what I mean.

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@kickycan,

kickycan wrote:

This whole thread is confusing to me.

Confusing like when you're seeing how high in the air you can throw a baby and still catch him safely in your arms in a field filled with hundreds of jagged pitchforks that have been buried, tongs-up, menacingly, like a field filled with thousands of jagged pitchforks that have been buried, tongs-up, even more menacingly, and you're throwing the baby up higher and higher, and you and the baby are both laughing in the sun, happy, happy like a satisfied monkey in the crook of a tree who falls asleep after eating a handful of juicy delicious giant maggots and drops the last two maggots out of his furry little monkey hand, and you and the baby are so delighted to be outside playing in the field that's filled with sharp pitchforks, sharp like an eagle's focus on a squealing rat's eyeball at it plucks it out with it's beak and gulps it down on a desert rock, the rat squealing like a pig being sliced in two with a giant buzz saw, and you've just thrown the baby up in the air really high, when suddenly two huge flying maggots crash directly into both of your eyes with twin splatting sounds, like the sounds a couple of hefty bags filled with vegetable soup might make hitting the pavement after a twelve-story drop, and you scream, and you hear the return scream of a nearby monkey and you can't see anything because of the maggot-matter in your eyes, and who knows where the baby is.

Quite epic in its shear perfection!

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Thank you, I love things like this!
My friend is doing english at university, and this is from a short story someone in her class wrote-

'A sheet of wallpaper fell from the wall in an origami of violence'

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He found that he could not dislodge his love for her from his heart. The
harder he tried, the worse he felt. But he knew that over time it would
slowly and imperceptibly dissolve. It was like that bit of phlegm you
sometimes wake up with in the back of your throat that you just can't
cough up and trying only makes you throw up a little in your mouth.

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@tsarstepan,

Kickycan's contribution is also notable because it is only a single sentence containing about two hundred words.

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@wandeljw,

wandeljw wrote:

The lengthy exchange between Mame and Chai reminds me of Cambridge, England in 1946 when Karl Popper confronted Ludwig Wittgenstein about the value of metaphysics which Wittgenstein denigrated but Popper upheld although observers have long considered this question resolved by Immanuel Kant's maxim that a metaphysics of morals is indispensably necessary not merely because of a motive to speculation of the practical basic principles that lie a priori in our reason but also because morals themselves remain subject to all sorts of corruption as long as we are without a norm by which to appraise them correctly.

kudos wandel, I admit I cannot compete with that, as I do not know how to speak spendius.

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@chai2,

Thanks, Chai. It is part of my series of tributes to the legendary spendius.

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Beatrice took his hand and led Atticus down a spiraling rabbit hole where they encountered ugly ducklings, munchkins, ruby slippers, a goose who laid golden eggs, a demented old man tilting at windmills, a giant white whale, two boys rafting down a river and a bouncing tiger, and Atticus fervently wished that he had not fallen asleep in the library again because it always gave him such bad dreams as well as a painful crick in the neck and looking at the piles of books on the floor around him and realizing he would have to sort them all by Dewey Decimal numbers before putting them back on the dusty shelves, he vowed to himself, "I'll think about it tomorrow" and turned out the lights.

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