THE ART SONG

I went to the animal fair,
The birds and bees were there,
The old raccoon by the light of the moon,
Was combing her auburn hair.

The monkey he got drunk,
And sat on the elephant's trunk
The elephant sneezed and fell on his knees
but what became of the monk, the monk, the monk.

I'm a little Dutch girl
I drink beer
I've got a tummy
That sticks way out heeeeeeeere.

I'm Popeye the sailor man
I live in a garbage can
there's a hole in the middle
where i do all my piddle
I'm Popeye the sailor man

Marzee doats and doazy doats
and liddle lamsy divy.
A kiddlee divy too.
Wooden you?

You won't mind if I don't find
What I am looking for
What I am looking for

Is a bicycle made far one
Hundred people to sit on
Plus a carriage made for two people
Came to see me yesterday
In the merry month of marching
Side by side and back to back
I think it's fair to say that's that.

Comet
It makes your skin turn green
Comet
It tastes like gasoline
Comet
Will make you vomit
So get some Comet
And vomit
Today

It is gratifying to see what a great many culturally sophisticated people there are here.

Be kind to your web-footed friends
For a duck may be somebody's mother
Be kind to your friends in the swamp
Where the weather is very, very damp
You may think that this is the end
Well, it is . . .

I remember this from the days of my misspent youth:
(To be sung to the tune of Colonel Bogey's March, more or less)

Goebbels...has only got one ball.
Georing...has two, but they are small.
Himmler...
Has somethin' similar,
But Hitler has no balls a-tall!

[Just think of all those British POWs coming into camp at the River Kwai a-whistlin' that.]

Who's the most important man this country ever knew?
Do you know what politician I have reference to?
Well, it isn't Mr. Bryan, and it isn't Mr. Hughes.
I've got a hunch that to that bunch I'm going to introduce:
(Again you're wrong and to this throng I'm going to Introduce:)
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google bet his horse would win the prize.
When the horses ran that day, Spark Plug ran the other way.
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google had a wife three times his size
She sued Barney for divorce
Now he's living with his horse

Who's the greatest lover that this country ever knew?
And who's the man that Valentino takes his hat off to?
No, it isn't Douglas Fairbanks that the ladies rave about.
When he arrives, who makes the wives chase all their husbands
out?
Why, it's Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google is the guy who never buys.
Women take him out to dine, then he steals the waiter's dime.
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google is the luckiest of guys.
If he fell in to the mud, he'd come up with a diamond stud.
Barney Google with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Who's the greatest fire chief this country ever saw?
Who's the man who loves to hear the blazing buildings roar?
Anytime the house is burning, and the flames leap all about,
Say, tell me do, who goes, "kerchoo!" and puts the fire out?
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google, thought his horse could win the prize.
He got odds of ten to eight; Spark Plug came in three days late.
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.

Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes.
Barney Google tried to enter paradise.
When Saint Peter saw his face, he said, "Go to the other place".
Barney Google, with the goo-goo-goo-ga-ly eyes

Inspirational, edgar. Inspirational. Thank you so much for posting that.

It is the finest lyric in the English language.

When we fought the Yankees and annihilation was near,
Who was there to lead the charge that took us safe to the rear?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "Toot your own horn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, a man who knew no fear!

When we almost had 'em but the issue still was in doubt,
Who suggested the retreat that turned it into a rout?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "Tattered and torn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, he kept us hidin' out!

With our ammunition gone and faced with utter defeat,
Who was it that burned the crops and left us nothing to eat?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "September Morn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, the pants blown off his seat!

HURRAY!

When it seemed like our brave boys would keep on fighting for months,
Who took pity on them and ca-pit-u-lated at once?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone; Unshaven and shorn - pone.
Jubilation T. Cornpone, he weren't nobody's dunce!

Who went re-con-noiter-ing to flank the enemy's rear,
Circled through the piney woods, and disappeared for a year?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "Treat 'em with scorn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, the missing mountaineer!

Who became so famous with a reputation so great,
That he ran for president and didn't carry a state?
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;
Old "Wouldn't be sworn - pone."
Jubilation T. Cornpone, he made the country wait!

Stonewall Jackson got his name by standing firm in the fray.
Who was known to all his men as good ol' "Paper Mache?"
Why it was Jubilation T. Cornpone;

The Famous Pig Song
(Clarke Van Ness, music by F. Henri Klickmann)

'Twas an evening in October, I'll confess I wasn't sober,
I was carting home a load with manly pride,
When my feet began to stutter and I fell into the gutter,
And a pig came up and lay down by my side.
Then I lay there in the gutter and my heart was all a-flutter,
Till a lady, passing by, did chance to say:
"You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses,"
Then the pig got up and slowly walked away.

Walked away, walked away,
He was really too particular to stay.
"You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses,"
Then the pig got up and slowly walked away.

Then I heard a gentle mooing, it was like a pigeon cooing,
As a home returning cow stopped in her stride,
And her eyes were big and gentle; her expression sentimental,
As she curtsied low and sat down by my side.
Then I saw her eyelids flutter and a tear fell in the gutter,
As the owner of the cow did loudly say:
"Leave that brute this moment, Sonja, or your milk will curdle on ya,"
Then the cow got up and slowly walked away.

Walked away, walked away,
She was really too particular to stay.
"Leave that brute this moment, Sonja, or your milk will curdle on ya,"
Then the cow got up and slowly walked away.

Then the moon began to shine in that old gutter I reclined in,
Thinking of the weakness of the human race,
When a dog sat down beside me, and I thought he came to chide me,
Till he gently licked the stubble on my face.
In the gutter, still reclining, I began "Sweet Adeline-ing,"
While the dog raised up his head to loudly bay;
Then his mistress said, "Come, Fido, that disgusting man may bite you,"
Then the dog got up and slowly walked away.

Walked away, walked away,
He was really too particular to stay.
Then his mistress said, "Come, Fido, that disgusting man may bite you,"
Then the dog got up and slowly walked away.

Down the street there came a clatter, and a gentle pitter-patter,
As a pair of goats along the gutter ran;
And it seemed that Billy knew me, for he quickly drew up to me,
While his wife munched on an empty sardine can.
Then again my pulse did flutter, and my heart was soft as butter;
Till the Nanny goat, unto her mate, did say:
"William dear, your social status don't include men such as that is,"
Then the goat got up and slowly walked away.

Walked away, walked away,
He was really too particular to stay.
"William dear, your social status don't include men such as that is,"
Then the goat got up and slowly walked away.

Then I started in to mutter and I rose up from the gutter,
Then I sadly went about my lonely way;
I was weary, sick and busted; I was really quite disgusted,
And I vowed to sign the pledge that very day.
For each humble, lowly creature, a great lesson he can teach ya,
Like the one learned while I in the gutter lay;
In the tavern, do not tarry, when you've got all you can carry,
But take up your load and slowly walk away.

Walk away, walk away,
For the "Horrors" is an awful price to pay,
In the tavern, do not tarry, when you've got all you can carry,
But take up your load and slowly walk away.

CODA
Now lately I've been thinking that I will quit my drinking.
I'm going to leave off whiskey, beer and grog,
For there's no consolation, but only aggravation,
You can't even find friendship with a hog.

(Alternate last stanza)
I began to scratch the gravel, on my all fours I did travel,
I rambled down the road the best I could.
When I awoke next morning, just as the day was dawning,
I was in a hog pen away out in the woods.
Then the hogs began to grumble, I started and I stumbled,
I fell right in their midst and there I lay.
Then one by one they started, till all the herd departed,
Yes, every hog got up and walked away.

Walked away, etc.

"I Belong to Glasgow"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oww8HXLsxDw

Do you like boobs a lot?
(Yes, I like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Really like boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)

Down in the locker room,
Just three boys,
Beatin' down the locker room
With all that noise,

Singin' do you like boobs a lot?
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)

Do you wear your jock a lot?
(Yes, I wear my jock a lot.)
Got to wear your jock a lot.
(Got to wear your jock a lot.)
Jock a lot, jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)
Got to wear your jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)

Well, down on the football,
Football field,
You never can tell
What a heel can wield,

So you gotta wear your jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)
Jock a lot, jock a lot.
(You gotta wear your jock a lot.)

If I had a flag-a-long,
(If I had a flag-a-long.)
If I had a long flag-a-long,
If I had a long flag-a-long,
If you like boobs a lot, tag along

Bee beep, bop, de boob a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)
Boobs a lot, boobs a lot.
(You gotta like boobs a lot.)

They're big and round,
They're all around.
They're big and round,
They're all around.

What I need
Is good advice
Cooked on plates of ground meat
Rubber hands and silly friends
Pasted on my wall.

Someone salt
A sweet sea soup
That I could swim in proudly
We might swim like laughing ducks
In your pink light glow

There we go changing again
There we go again

My hands can make yours
Warm again
If not absorbed in blankets
Are you in need of teen angst
And nibble on your neck?

And if I had volcano boots
For swimming in volcanoes
Do you know the origins of laughing ducks?
Oh what's a matter with those birds

There we go changing again
There we go again

What you need's a
Happy farm
With happy goats and sheep

What I need's a
Happy arm
To swing ya 'round like father

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-nine bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall...

"What if you should go to jail? What if you should go to jail?
What if you should go to jail?" said the fair young maiden.

"I'll swing me big balls, and knock down the walls!" said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

Roll along, Wavy Navy, roll along
Roll along, Wavy Navy, roll along
If they ask us who we are
We're the RCNVR --
Roll along, Wavy Navy, roll along

Oh, we joined for the chance to go to sea
Yes, we joined for the chance to go to sea
But the first two years or more
We spent marching on the shore
Roll along, Wavy Navy, roll along

Oh, we joined for the payment and the fun
Yes, we joined for the payment and the fun
But of payment there is none
And the fun is yet to come
Roll along, Wavy Navy, roll along

Oh, we joined for the glory of it all
Yes, we joined for the glory of it all
But the good old RCN
Made us change our minds again
Roll along, Wavy Navy, roll along

And when at last they sent us out to sea
Yes, when at last they sent us out to sea
There were several things we saw
That were not brought up before
Roll along, Wavy Navy, roll along

Man your gun, Seaman Gunner, man your gun
Man your gun, Seaman Gunner, man your gun
Load it up with shot and shell
And we'll blow the Huns to hell
Roll along, Wavy Navy, roll along

Now before we pull up hook and sail away
Yes, before we pull up hook and sail away
If you want some good advice
Before you join, think once or twice
Roll along, Wavy Navy, roll along

(And during the tri-forces fiasco:)

Well, we joined for a chance to wear the blues
Yes we joined for a chance to wear the blues
But they gave us Army green
It's a colour that's obscene
Roll along, Wavy Navy, roll along.