Farewell, Aunty Jack
We know you'll be back
Though you're ten feet tall you don't scare us at all
You're big, bold and tough
But you're not so rough
There's a scream as you plummet away
Aunty Jack: Goodbye, me little lovelies!
And don't forget to tune in next week to the show,
because if you don't, I'm going to come round to your house,
and I'm going to rip your bloody arms off.
And I will too. Don't forget it.
She rides a black bike
Aunty Jack: I do.
And drives through the night
She's big, round and fat but don't dare tell her that
Aunty Jack: I bloody well aren't!
Else she'll turn so mean
Her glove starts to gleam
There's a scream as she plummets away
Aunty Jack: Do you want a good smack in the mouth?
Oh farewell, Aunty Jack
Don't you know you'll be back
Though you're ten feet tall you don't scare us at all
You're big, bold and tough
But you're not so rough
There's a scream as you plummet away
"Goodness Gracious Me" Peter Sellers and Sophia Loren
...From New Delhi to Darjeeling
I have done my share of healing
And I never have been beaten or out-boxed-
I remember that with one jab
Of my needle, in the Punjab
How I cleared up beri-beri
And the dreaded dysen-tary
But your complaint has got me really foxed....
Ah, the late great Pink Panther, McTag. Here's a companion for him
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
To stay in Christmas theme.
Early on one Christmas Day a joey kangaroo,
Was far from home and lost in a great big zoo.
'Mummy, where's my mummy? They've taken her away.'
We'll help you find your mummy, son. Hop up on the sleigh.'
Up beside the bag of toys little joey hopped,
But they hadn't gone far when Santa stopped.
Unharnessed all the reindeer and Joey wondered why,
Then he heard a far off booming in the sky.
Six white boomers, snow white boomers,
Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun.
Six white boomers, snow white boomers,
On his Australian run.
Pretty soon old Santa began to feel the heat,
Took his fur lined boots off to cool his feet,
Into one popped Joey, feeling quite okay,
While those old man Kangaroos kept pulling on the sleigh.
Six white boomers, snow white boomers,
Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun.
Six white boomers, snow white boomers,
On his Australian run.
Joey said to Santa, 'Santa, what about the toys?
Aren't you giving some to these girls and boys?'
'They've got all their presents, son, we were here last night,
this trip is an extra trip, Joey's special flight.'
Six white boomers, snow white boomers,
Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun.
Six white boomers, snow white boomers,
On his Australian run.
Soon the sleigh was flashing past right over Marble Bar,
'Slow down there,' cried Santa, 'it can't be far,
Come up on my lap here, son, and have a look around.'
'There she is, that's mummy, bounding up and down.'
Six white boomers, snow white boomers,
Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun.
Six white boomers, snow white boomers,
On his Australian run.
Well that's the bestest Christmas treat that Joey ever had,
Curled up in mother's pouch feeling snug and glad.
The last they saw was Santa heading northwards from the sun,
The only year the boomers worked a double run.
Six white boomers, snow white boomers,
Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun.
Six white boomers, snow white boomers,
On his Australian run.
This Tom Lehrer classic is as relevant today as it was when he wrote it:
SEND THE MARINES
When someone makes a move
Of which we don't approve,
Who is it that always intervenes?
U.N. and O.A.S.,*
They have their place, I guess,
But first - send the Marines!
We'll send them all we've got,
John Wayne and Randolph Scott;
Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
To the shores of Tripoli,
But not to Mississippoli,
What do we do? We send the Marines!
For might makes right,
And till they've seen the light,
They've got to be protected,
All their rights respected,
Till somebody we like can be elected.
Members of the corps
All hate the thought of war;
They'd rather kill them off by peaceful means.
Stop calling it aggression,
Ooh, we hate that expression!
We only want the world to know
That we support the status quo.
They love us everywhere we go,
So when in doubt,
Send the Marines!
Another Tom Lehrer classic:
I hold your hand in mine, dear,
I press it to my lips.
I take a healthy bite
From your dainty fingertips.
My joy would be complete, dear,
If you were only here,
But still I keep your hand
As a precious souvenir.
The night you died I cut it off,
I really don't know why.
For now each time I kiss it
I get bloodstains on my tie.
I'm sorry now I killed you,
For our love was something fine,
And till they come to get me
I shall hold your hand in mine.
Kevin "Bloody" Wilson's Christmas song (no relation)
Sorry about the language, but it just wouldn't be the same without it.
Hey Santa claus you ****!
Where's me ******* bike?
I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.
I wrote you a ******* letter and I come to see you twice
Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me ******* bike.
If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.
And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!
You've stuffed me bloody order up
It's enough to make you spew
And I'm not the only one who's snakey
Me sisters dirty too!
(female voice)
Hey santa clause you ****!
Where's me ******* pram?
You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.
'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand
I'll give you ******* ho ho ho
You forgot me ******* pram
(male voice)
Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts
And I'll let your ******* reihndeer go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!
You just wait 'till next year, when you go to that store
And me and me little sister, come stomping through the door
And we'll say, yeah you wait for it
Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes
And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells ******* lies
He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright
'Cause the old ******* wanker Forgot me ******* bike.
You wait you old ****, I'm gonna dob you in
Tell me old man on you, he's gonna punch your ******* lights out
"I saw mummy sucking santa clause"
More Christmas stuff from Red Peters, and it has hamsters:
Holy ****, It's Christmas!
(Grenga/Stevens/Johnson/Lawry)
Red Peters with The New Christy Hamsters
SFX - Jingling bells, intro music bed, etc.
(off in the distance) "Ho, ho, ho....."
Hamster #1 - "Did you hear that?"
Hamster #2 - "Hey everybody, Santa's here!"
Hamster #3 - "Aw, there ain't no Santa Claus."
Hamster #2 - "There is, too!"
SFX - knock on door
Hamsters - "He's here!!!"
SFX - door bursts open
Red - "Ho, ho, ho... Merry Christmas boys!"
Hamster #1 - "Aw, ****, it's Red Peters..."
Hamsters - "Awww..." (grumbling in unison)
Red - "Come on you swinging hamsters, get over here. We're gonna sing us a happy Christmas song."
Hamster #1 - "Oh no, not another corny, stupid song."
Hamster #2 - "Yeah, no way Red."
Hamsters - "Yeah, yeah..."
Red - "Get over here and sing or I'll ring your little necks!"
Hamsters - "OK!, OK!...jeesh!"
SUNG:
Grab your nuts hamsters, gather round with me
forget about out all that teasin'
we're breakin' out the holly and aluminum tree
cuz it's that jolly season
I know you been naughty, but have you been nice
that's only Santa's business
he's makin' his list and he's checkin' it twice
Holy ****, It's Christmas! (HAMSTERS)
HAMSTERS CHORUS:
Santa comes just once a year
just like you Red, that's what we hear
he's got a soft spot for reindeer
especially Rudolph's derriere
Knock it off fellas it's a holiday
go on give santa a big kiss
you can play hide the hamster on a one horse sleigh
Holy ****, It's Christmas! (HAMSTERS)
(instrumental)
Red - "Hey, what happened to my lyric sheet? Anyone seen my lyric sheet?"
Hamster #1 - "Heck, we don't need no lyric sheets, Red.
We know our parts by heart. Right fellas?" (giggles)
Hamster #2 - "Yeah, sure, I know my part, Godfried." (giggles)
Hamster #3 - "Yah, me too!" (giggles)
Red- "Well that's great guys, I love Christmas songs."
SUNG
(Godfried) - Santa tried reaching up the neighbors blouse
after drinking all the eggnog
(Bruce) - camped out in the bathroom for an hour or two
squashing off a yule log
(Raliegh) - he wandered in his undies all over the house
but we minded our own business
(Hamsters) - til we caught him stuffing hamsters up a gift wrap tube
(All) - Holy ****, It's Christmas!
(Red) Santa comes just once a year
up the chimney he'll disappear
(hamsters) keep on the look out for Mr. Gear
hamster deliveries in the rear
Red - (grabbing the lyric sheet, speaking...) "Gimme those lyrics!!!"
roastnuts chestin' on an open fire
santas tongue stuck to the doorknob
his balls got fondled by a carolin' choir
while the parson gave him a hand... what?
the sleigh came down and took him away
that whole damn crowd was dismissed
it was time to be jolly, a time to be gay
Holy ****, It's Christmas! (HAMSTERS)
Holy ****, It's Christmas! "
Holy ****, It's Christmas! "
