The end of my compassion rope.

Yeah, I agree with dlowan's take.

Since all I've really said is "I agree" so far, a slightly similar (though less extreme) experience:

Sozlet went to preschool with a little girl I'll call Minnie who's a bit of a handful. (They're in the same grade and have gone to the same school for the past two years, but they haven't been in the same class since preschool.) She's not dangerous, she's not terrible, just quite intense and delayed in a lot of ways. She has a fabulous mom who I really, really like, but every time we attempt a playdate, sozlet just gets whupped. She'll go ahead and play with Minnie -- she doesn't sneer at her or sit in a corner with her arms crossed and refuse -- she does her best, and Minnie adores sozlet. But it's WORK. (Sozlet says of "it's like playing with a 2-year-old but she's not as cute as a 2-year-old." Minnie's 7.) And sozlet always has a meltdown afterwards -- over-exhausted hyperness, major attitude problems, not-herself-ness.

I kept trying to make it work but it just was taking too much of a toll on sozlet and wasn't getting better. So we still see them occasionally just incidentally and sozlet's always nice to Minnie when she sees her, but we don't do the one-on-one socializing anymore.

(I just realized this is close to another scenario I talked about, with a similar trajectory -- different kids though.)

Completely agree with dlowan that Mo going downhill along with the kids doesn't ultimately help anything.

Hope the surgery is successful and everyone feels better afterwards...

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JLNobody wrote:

C.I., are you a compassionate liberal?

No, a moderate in most things and registered as an independent.

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I don't think that you are out of compassion, boomer. It sounds to me like you want to help. I certainly hear empathy for their situation in your posts. There really isn't anything that you can do without disrupting your life in a major way. That doesn't make you a bad person, or even a republican :wink:

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EVERYbody has their limits, boom.

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Wow. I reached mine today as well and had to ask my husband if he thought i needed an adjustment.

I was up to my eyeballs in problems this morning, work problems, computer problems, it was not a good morning and i was just beginning to get a handle on things when the phone rang. I checked caller ID and saw that it was my next door neighbor. I did not answer, expecting a request to be made that I simply could not deal with today, so she left a voicemail.

Their adult son is mentally handicapped. Not severely, but definitely. I'm not sure how old he is but he's an adult. Anyway, she and her husband had to leave town for the day and for some reason, they were not taking him along and wanted me to "keep an eye and ear" out in case he needed anything, until one of his siblings got off of work and came over to stay with him.

I thought that was a hell of a request to make and reaching the end of my compassion rope, I never returned her voicemail. I don't know if Chris is over there alone or not but, I did not want that responsibility. I did not want Chris ringing my doorbell for anything (unless there was a real problem and in that case, he'd ring the doorbell anyway).

I felt a little shitty about it but not too.

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boomerang wrote:

I'm just mad to learn that there is a point where my self preservation and my protectiveness kicks in to tell my compassion to **** off.

I didn't think that point existed.

But it does.

There is nothing wrong with self preservation and protectiveness. Without them you would lose your sense of self, and be at the beck and call of everyone else. You'd end up being their sin eater.

I completely agree with drew dad.

It isn't right or a good thing to NOT let someone handle their own problems, and reach their own bottoms.

Not saying one should abandon all attempts at helping your fellow man, but you need to know when helping is turning into being used.

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eoe, You did the right thing by ignoring that non-request demand to watch over their handicapped son. It's one thing to ask, but a whole new ball game when they just leave him, and ask you to watch over him. That's parental irresponsibility; call the social worker, and have them handle it. You don't want any guilt feelings if something happens to him.

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If you feel that way, just throttle Gus scrawny little neck. It did wonders for me.

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It seems like we are trying to distinguish between compassion and pity. There IS a real difference. The former is positive, the latter negative.

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boomerang wrote:

gustavratzenhofer wrote:

If the latter, then you are now a Republican.

Ha! Hilarious. That is EXACTLY what I was thinking!

Honestly and truely I am fine, thank you for publically and privately asking.

I'm just mad to learn that there is a point where my self preservation and my protectiveness kicks in to tell my compassion to **** off.

I didn't think that point existed.

But it does.

I'm a serious "there but for the grace of god go I" kind of person because I've been down but jesuschristonabike if your hole is already huge put down the damn shovel and start kicking some dirt in the hole.

you need to rub a little self preservation and self interest all over your compassion from time to time. After all... at the end of the day... or at the end of life... we're all alone out here.

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I don't think it's a difference of compassion v. pity. I don't pity these people. I think it is when compassion becomes obligation that things fall apart -- at least for me (and it sounds like for eoe, too).

I actually feel a kind of kinship with this family in that their adoption experience closely parallels mine. They adopted their grandkids and I know how complicated that has to be since I have an open adoption and it is sometimes really really frustrating.

On top of this the dad is disabled and the mom works a lot, they have had one of their adult kids living with them for a while, freeloading. Then last week another "adult" child, the father of the kids, no less, moved in with his new girlfriend. Five adults and two little kids living in a one bedroom house.

I know how incredibly hard this has to be on these two kids and I feel for them, really and truly I do, but I can't let their craziness flow into Mo's life. Mo's life is complicated enough.

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I see this as natural and appropriate defense on your part, and I don't think you have any less compassion.. you still have it, but appropriate defense is operative. You don't have to give up compassion to defend your child and his very real needs, they're not a dichotomy.

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Absolutely!

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I'm keeping my comments abstract:
When I feel compassion for another, I'm perceiving him as my equal--I see myself in him. When I feel pity for another, I perceive him as my inferior, and I often feel obliged to help him. I feel less obliged to help my equal: I see him as able to help himself.

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Charity begins at home.

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Noddy24 wrote:

Charity begins at home.

Bush never learned that lesson.

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cicerone imposter wrote:

Noddy24 wrote:
Charity begins at home.

Bush never learned that lesson.

You jackass. Too bad you didn't run over yourself with your taxi22.

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cjhsa wrote:

cicerone imposter wrote:
Noddy24 wrote:
Charity begins at home.

Bush never learned that lesson.

You jackass. Too bad you didn't run over yourself with your taxi22.

That seems quite unwarranted, cj

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Re: The end of my compassion rope.

boomerang wrote:

I found it today.

Quote:
com�pas�sion �� (km-pshn) KEY �

NOUN:

Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.

I think I'm a pretty compassionate person.

I've endured some serious things and come out with my compassion intact.

I've done some good things in my life.

I've been compassionate.

But today I think I found the end of my compassion rope and it is both a horror and a relief.

Have you ever found the end of your compassion rope?

How did you survive it?

ive been there many a times my friend.

Sometimes after realizing i have given my all to everything and everyone i can , to try to live without inflicting harm on people, or hustling them, or robbing them or stealing, i will just get an icy feeling all over as a friend yet again rips me off, or steals from me.

Or a few months ago when i had no food for like 2 months and no money, i was at the end there.

and as people i know start calling me a druggie as i lose more weight and more weight as they sit in their ******* parents houses eating for ******* free,(and acutally doing drugs, alot of drugs, i wish i did drugs like that, every ******* day)i just know that one day, or maybe even never, my integrity will be worth more than months of pain.

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not even mentioning this corrupt ass government that likes to step in when im ******* poor and charge me 250 ******* dollars for WORKING, thanks alot, im glad you gave me this opportunity to work my ass off.

ive been to the end alot, but i still cant hurt people. ive been trying to justify it for ages, but even if someone hurts me, i wont hurt someone else to make up for it. no matter how extenuating the circumstances.

im a ******* moron. ill let myself suffer before i take it out on someone else, how dumb is that?

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The end of my compassion rope.

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