When my first-born son was about 18 he was electrocuted and as a result had to have his right leg amputated at the knee and his right arm amputated at the shoulder. He was outfitted with prosthetic limbs, received rehabilitation, and could walk (a loping walk but very effective) and so on.
To make the ensuing story, short, he committed suicide about two years later (exsanguination: he cut his throat, since a one-armed man can't cut his wrists). He wedged himself between a chest and the wall and died in that position. In his suicide note he said that he wanted to die standing up, like a man.
I write these thoughts because I have been thinking about the tribulations of the human self.
george
Wendy Lynne Throop Sunderlin was one of the best and brightest people this world had to offer, sadly, she is gone, but never forgotten......
Wendy was born on a rainy Saturday morning, June 18, 1977, after a breakdown of our car on the way to the hospital, and having to proceed there with the help of an ambulance...they were all waiting when I arrived, but it was my car that broke down, I knew I had at least another hour or so to go....
As Wendy grew and became the wonderful person that she turned into, we all marveled at her attributes...she was not the wisest, prettiest, but in our world she was...She graduated from Geneva High School in 1995, 13th out of 221 people...that was an awesome feat in my opinion, and received grants and scholarships to attend Ohio Wesleyan University.
Me, as the mom, was heart broken that she was going so far away, but also very proud of her accomplishments......The dreaded day arrived and she packed to go off and we loaded the car (to the hilt), she was excited, nervous, and very ambivalent about the whole affair...it was the beginning of a new life for her...
College started and she tried very hard to fit in, and to roll with all the punches of the classes, studying and of course, all the partying that went along with it.....In December of 1995 she attended a party at a frat house, and although we don't know all the details, sadly she was date-raped there and it was truly the beginning of the end.....She told no one really, and came home for Christmas break, with so much weighing on her mind.....The third week of being home, she went to visit her dad, and once again he was piling the emotional crap that he always did on her...
I was so angry when she finally came home, I just blew up...and for the first time in a long time, I just went to bed and didn't even say good-nite....my husband also just went to bed w/o really talking to her about my outburst, etc....The poor girl was feeling so lost and then proceeded to call a very good friend to unload some of the emotional baggage that had built, she even told him about the *rape*.
Not knowing what to say, he said mostly nothing, and I guess that is when she snapped the first time and decided that all would be better off without her here...She took my husband's anxiety pills and went to the bathroom with a knife from our kitchen and began to cut her wrist..Fortunately, my husband got up and after deciding that she was NOT taking a shower, found her before it was fatal...
Off we went to the hospital, where she got stitched up and sent to a psych hospital for a week...It was at this time that I found out about the rape, and yes, I beat myself to this day, to think that I heaped so much more upon her in that period of her life......but after the *week*, the doctors pronounced her just *overwhelmed* and said that we had to respect her decisions, well you know what?! her decision still rankles me, she returned to school against our wishes, but we backed her....
She made it thru the semester, but not the way I would have hoped for....her grades were not the best, but there was always time for that, and she seemed to be dealing with her past experiences very well, she was pledged from every sorority on the campus and decided that she wanted to *go for it*...so she became a Tri-Delt, she seemed like she was becoming more her *old* self, so I committed myself to the *letting her fly on her own* syndrome...Lord was I wrong, something that could never be fixed..........
Summer of 96 came and she took two jobs, one on the weekends and some evenings doing bussing of tables at a local 100-y/o tavern/eatery, and one at a factory that her dad worked at. She had the grand plan to save enough money to have some left over for the next spring to go to the Bahamas to take an extra credits class in marine biology (and one great little vacation too!!).
She did get the opportunity to go to Chicago to visit some of her classmates for 5 days, first trip for her all alone...we and she were very proud that she managed so well...But after her trip, her car broke down (she had a 93 Blue Ford Mustang-she loved that car), and the transmission had to be rebuilt. It was in the dealership for over 5 weeks, as they first fixed one thing in the tranny then another.
Meantime she had a piece of crap to drive, and she was very short-tempered about the whole thing. We finally got the car back one week before she was to return to school (sigh of relief)......We packed up all her gear, in her car and ours and proceeded to make the trip back down to Delaware, OH. She had a new dorm, with no air conditioning and her and her room-mates called it the *boring* dorm...I guess they used to go out in the hall and scream Quit studying
This time for the school year, I was so strong about leaving her there, etc...saw a bunch of parents with first year students, just melting to their emotions...I knew Wendy was a different girl and was going to be one tough cookie...she had her plans and she was gonna darn well stick to them.
The one amazing thing I did see while there, maybe a premonition, who knows, I went outside to get a breath of fresh air. No one was around at that time, and I saw what looked like a bunch of stars floating in weird patterns in the sky...I followed them with my eyes and they started to drift behind some trees, so I got up to follow them with my eyes...one by one they just flew straight up in the sky and disappeared (it was a wonderful sunny day, not dark at all)..I looked around to get someone elses confirmation but no one was there still...Was this a warning or just heat-stroke, don't know, probably never will...
By September she was in the full swing of the school year, calling home frequently and even calling me at work to just *talk*...it was like old times...She met a boy that she really liked and we were so glad that she could commit to someone above just a friendship, thinking that the worst was truly behind her....We made plans to go see her for the day on parents weekend in October, and she in turn came home the weekend before.
It was great fun having her home...we didn't do anything extravagant, just family stuff..cook out, sit around our fire pit outside, etc...We went to the local fall time fair at one of the local areas and looked at all the pumpkins, etc...I got her a cute little pumpkin with flowers on it and sent some Indian corn back to the dorm with her...On our way home she got very serious with me, and asked if WE were alright truly (financially, etc...as we had to pay for most of her med bills for the earlier attempt on her life)...I told her all was fine, we had it worked out and by her senior year we would be fine to finish helping her as planned...
We saw her one last time when we went to her school for *parents weekend*...she was extremely tired, having gone to a concert the night before in Pittsburgh NO LESS...She was upset because all the parades, etc were cancelled as they had a tragedy on the campus the nite before..At one of the frat houses a fire broke out and one young man did not make it out, he died...although she knew him by face etc...she did not really know him...
We assured her, that we understood and just going to her sorority tea, etc. was just swell with us...Being that she was so tired, we left in the afternoon, and drove home...sigh-if I had known that was the last time I would see her alive, I would have stayed for an eternity.....The curious thing was she NEVER watched us leave, she said it made her sad, etc...but that day she watched us leave and waved and waved.....was this a portent too???
We spoke on the phone a few times after that date, but the last conversation that we had was on election day Nov. 5th,1996, I was teasing her about voting etc....she seemed very tense, and down on herself.
I tried to assure her with the old adages, just do the best you can do, etc....you will be fine..you always have the option of taking a break, etc...the money is set aside for your college one way or the other, what a fool I was...I asked her if she could maybe come home for the weekend before Thanksgiving break, she said probably not...she had so many reports, and sorority obligations, etc...I told her that was ok...We would talk to her again...she said of course you will....she lied!!!!!!
On Nov. 11th, 1996, the snows started to come down in N/E Ohio...they did not quit for almost a week, I stayed home that day from work, the weather was so bad, I had a grand day...cleaned, cooked a great dinner (sometimes I think it was the last nice dinner I ever cooked), baked, and finished a x-stitch for my hubby & I's anniversary for the next month...The next day, although the snows had not let up, I decided I should go to work, Bill said my turn to stay home, I told him to do that, but he said no, I will go...So off we both went to work...My day went slow, due to the weather and had decided I would leave around the noon hour, but we had gotten a new computer, so I stayed to help un-crate it and set it up...
I didn't leave until 4:00 pm, and slow going at best, did not arrive home until 4:30 pm...It was snowing so hard I opened the garage from the road to get a straight shot at the *snow field* when much to my amazement I saw a car in the garage where I park...I finally made the *snow slide* into the garage and found it was Wendy's car......I got excited/scared all at the same time, the why's started...Why didn't she call me, why was she home, why, why, why?????
I entered the house, all was quiet, too quiet.......I didn't even take my jacket off, just kicked my shoes off...my mom lived with us then, I found her reading, asked her where Wendy was...she said oh what a nice surprise she was home, she must be upstairs changing.....I yelled for her over and over and mounted the stairs...at the top of the stairs I saw *something* all over the door, which was open...thinking she spilled something, I continued, thinking I would find her asleep (her fav past-time), I did find her asleep, eternally.....
I still did not believe it till I saw the rifle laying next to her...I fell down the stairs all the while screaming, called my neighbor, he came running over, his wife called the emergency.......they told me if they had been standing right next to her, they could NOT have saved her...Then we waited, the houseful of rescue, neighbors, detectives, sheriffs, and my poor dead daughter upstairs in our house, for my hubby to come home...it took him over 3 hours with the horrible weather...
Can you imagine coming down a rural road and seeing all the flashing lites, etc at your house...I asked the rescue personnel to please stay, as I knew he would be devastated....But of course, when he finally made it home, he thought it was my mom (who was 86 then), but he said to himself why so many cars, etc...and he did not see the coroners car...
Why did she do this?? We will never know all the answers, never!! She left no note, and piecing the information together, she had left the school at around 8:30 am to go to class, but came home instead, they had been looking for her for hours...but did not call me...she arrived home somewhere around 1:00 pm, as my neighbor saw her come in...she made two phone calls back to the school around 1:30 pm and she died somewhere between 1:30 and 2:00 pm, according to the coroner..........My beautiful, talented, loving daughter left this world all alone and by her own hand......
There is nothing in this world that is so bad that cannot be dealt with in some way, but one thing, and that is death....there is NO fix for that....If this long, long story helps one person, then I guess I have done something with the last 20 months of my life that is worthwhile...Thank you for listening....
Signed......with all my love Wendy,
eternally.....(Mom) Sharon L. Throop
