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Some Days...

 
 
Treya
 
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 06:25 pm
You know it's funny... I've been away for almost three months now I think and some days I can't help but think of A2K. Wonder how things are going. So I pop in. Intending to say "Hi". But my fingers fail me. For some reason I just can't seem to type anything out. Though I want to.

You know some days I really miss what I had here. Those times in the early months where some of the confusion seemed to go away for a while and I could talk reasonably and actually have a conversation without it somehow revolving around me. Where there were jokes told, some serious talk once in a while, but mostly, just shooting the breeze and having a good time debating.

I'm not totally sure anymore where it all went, or how it is I managed to throw it all away, but regardless I just wanted you all to know that despite everything I may have done... I really miss A2K some days. I wish some how I could forge through the barrier that seems to keep me away now because I sincerely cared for some of you folks and I still do.

Maybe I didn't know how to show it, or even say it. But I just wanted to pop in to at least try to let you know that I'm sorry for having become so self consumed. I'm sorry for having taken some of the things people said so personally. And I miss you. I hope you all are well and life is what you hoped it would be.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 773 • Replies: 16
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 06:35 pm
Hi there, glad to see you, truly. (The name threw me for a bit though, hadn't gotten used to it enough before you disappeared for a while again!)

Honest advice, because you seem to want it; apologies if I'm overstepping.

THIS is the problem. This thread. It's not that hard to keep things from revolving around you, if that's what you prefer. Don't start a new thread about yourself; respond to other threads. Ask other people questions, instead of telling us about you before we ask. Be part of the community.

Hope things are going better for you, and that things will continue to improve.
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Treya
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 06:54 pm
Sozobe, ouch but thank you. I need to ask a favor though. Honestly and sincerely with all my heart. I want to understand what it is that I am doing. I don't want to be this way, but I'm not sure exactly what it is that I'm doing to make things revolve around me. I just know that somehow I am.

Because honestly, what confuses me the most about this is that I see other people doing what it is I "think" I'm doing, what you've said I'm doing, starting threads about themselves before anyone asks and that's perfectly ok. So can you please help me understand why it's ok for some but not others?

I want to come back. I want to be here. I want to be what I was, but I don't know how and honestly sometimes I feel like maybe it's too late, maybe I went too far and maybe I can't earn people's respect back. I know what you are going to say is probably going to hurt but sozobe, I don't care. Please just say whatever it is because I want to understand. I don't want to be on the outside looking in anymore and I'll do whatever it takes to do it.

If you'll please just be patient with me for a moment here and help me understand.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 06:54 pm
Yes, that's the ticket, listen to Soz there.
And... we missed you. Don't be going around worrying about that.
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2PacksAday
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 07:09 pm
Yeah Hep, kick back and soak up the Soz.
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 07:25 pm
I have something for you, Treya. Take with water.

http://images.shopping.msn.com/img/3615/3417/0/4641210.gif

I remember you, but I don't know what you did that makes you feel scared to come back. I think Soz's point is that your problem is not something you did but the fact that you're overthinking it way too much and taking it way too seriously.

Trust me, there are plenty of people much less welcome here than you. For instance, me Laughing But that doesn't bother me because not everyone has to get along all the time. When it comes down to it, A2K is yours, just as it is everyones, and it doesn't matter how many people you may offend along the way by being yourself...you're still welcome to be here, whenever you want to be, and you don't need to explain yourself for that.
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 07:33 pm
Yep, stuh's got it.

There's a Roz Chast cartoon, I can't remember enough about it to try to find it online. But it's two people (a mother and a daughter? a husband and a wife? I don't remember) in a room. Call them person A and person B.

A: Are you mad at me?

B: No, not at all.

A: Are you SURE you're not mad at me?

B: Yes, I'm sure.

A: You're mad at me, I can just tell.

B: No, I'm not!

A: See! See! You're mad at me!!!

B: [with steam coming out of ears] NO I AM NOT MAD AT YOU!!!!

(Something like that.)

The point there is that at the beginning person B wasn't actually mad at person A. It was person A's approach to the situation that was the problem.

The more you say "I don't know what I've done wrong but I've obviously done something wrong and I'm so sorry and I'll never come back/ I miss the old days/ I'm not worthy/ whatever" (paraphrase, obviously), the more you get the reactions that make you think you've done something wrong.
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 07:44 pm
Quote:
The point there is that at the beginning person B wasn't actually mad at person A. It was person A's approach to the situation that was the problem.


Ugh, yeah I get that all the time. What's equally bad is someone asking you, "Are you having a good time? Are you sure?" all the time. Not only do you have to say "yes" but it usually becomes false after they make you say it.
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 07:44 pm
Heph, dahling! Good to see you and I hope you are well.

Stick around, talk to folks, stay cool.

I've been wondering about you and what you've been up to.





sozobe wrote:
Yep, stuh's got it.


Except the part about being unwelcome himself.
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 07:46 pm
Fer sure! Glad you're here, Stuh. (And you too Treya, don't get me wrong. I'm interested in how you're doing and how your dad's doing and how your life has been going in general. Just hoping to provide some useful feedback.)
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 07:52 pm
stuh505 wrote:
Quote:
The point there is that at the beginning person B wasn't actually mad at person A. It was person A's approach to the situation that was the problem.


Ugh, yeah I get that all the time. What's equally bad is someone asking you, "Are you having a good time? Are you sure?" all the time. Not only do you have to say "yes" but it usually becomes false after they make you say it.


Hah! Like, "I was until you asked me that, now I'm not so sure."
0 Replies
 
Treya
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 08:04 pm
Ok I got it. Thanks guys. Chill pill is the way.

As far as my dad:

He's going down hill quick. He had the chemo... did good... then they found six lesions in his brain and it's all been down hill from there. They did another PET scan and found that the cancer was back completely with a new tumor forming around his trachea, very quickly, and well... he's gonna be gone soon. They've been doing radiation but apparently the meds for that have been sapping all his strength and he wabbles when he walks now.

He almost fell over in the shower the other day. And well... he can't walk well at all. I have my doubts about it being the medication though. His brain is swelling because of the lesions. He can't remember much anymore, he gets confused a lot, and he's getting really frustrated. He's withdrawing too. It's hard... watching someone you love die. Watching them kind of... disappear...

Soooo.... I went on a bar binge for two weeks strait because I was having a hard time coping for a bit there, but now I'm home and trying to get every moment I can with him because... well... he's gonna be gone soon. And when the inevitable happens I'll be here for my mom until I know she can be ok on her own... then I'm off to MI to be with my paternal father until he dies... then... I dunno... I just don't know.

I just know that whatever it takes I want to be ok here. I want A2K to be my refuge I guess. Even if I need to hide everything else and just "be ok" here. I'll do it. Because I don't want to be alone right now. And maybe that's selfish of me. If it is I'm sorry. But I need somewhere to go and the bar has proven to be nothing but trouble for me thus far. So I'm back I guess, and this is the end of me.

No more threads about me. No more whoa is me. Just here I am, I guess. I'll start paying more attention to others and stop focusing on my own pain so much. It'll all be good. Thanks you guys. I'll catch up with you soon I guess. I've got to get to bed now because I've got to be to work in about seven hours.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 08:07 pm
Nooo, that's not what I meant. Not some fakey happy blahbedy blah.

*sigh*

Not sure if I'll be able to explain better though and I need to go to bed, too. Sorry that your dad's still having a tough time, though.
0 Replies
 
Treya
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 08:30 pm
Sozobe, no need to explain. I get it. Honestly. I do. It's all good. I'll see you around on the boards.
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2007 09:50 pm
I'm sure his memory will live on strong with you, Treya.
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flushd
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Apr, 2007 06:40 am
Hey you! Yeah, I didn't recognize the name right away either. You'll always be Heph to me, I guess.

But nice to see you. Sorry to hear about your dad.

You were missed, silly. Smile
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Apr, 2007 07:02 am
Welcome home, Heph.

Of course you need a place to vent with your father dying slowly without much dignity. You also need a place to play. Once some of the immediate pressure is relieved A2K can also offer a sense of perspective. We have lots of members--and lots of problems.

Venting? We can listen. Playing? Remember how to play? Check out "Trivia" and "Riddles". Find some outrageous thread by Kicky or Gus?

As for the perspective part....check some of the serious threads. Your suffering has probably given you the basis for some good advice or at least some cheerful comments.

Hold your dominion.
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