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Sun 18 Mar, 2007 07:20 pm
After the death of someone's loved one, there is a certain amount of pressure to say something meaningful and touching. I am extremely bad at this. I never know what to say, and am usually in terror over the moment I'll have to come up with something to comfort them, and can't wait to get away from them after it's over. It is an even tougher thing to do over the phone. In person, you can say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and hug them or touch a hand or somehow physically comfort them, you know? But over the phone, you really have to be able to be articulate and strong.
Recently, an uncle of mine passed away and I called my cousin to pay my respects. It was his dad who'd passed away. It was going sort of okay for awhile. I was kind of not really saying much of any consequence, but I wasn't making an ass of myself yet. Then at the end of the conversation, I got all nervous and started to say, "keep your chin up" or some trite, cringe-inducing crap like that, but ended up stumbling and saying, "keep...keep...it, up..." and then he said something that I didn't really hear because I was panicking that I'd said something so stupid, and trying to recover my train of thought, and then I said, "thanks"--Why? I don't have a clue. and then I heard him say goodbye and I said goodbye and hung up. It was so embarrassing.
Maybe I shouldn't have even called. Yikes. Does anyone else totally choke time after time in these types of situations? Is there any way to overcome this social disability?
This why people send cards. If you say something, keep it short and sincere.
You just described me, kicky.
I guess I'm the opposite, I'd like a voice or a person there, and I'm weathered enough to know we all are complete ninnies. even the suavos. You did fine, Kick, even though you goofed the wording. The first part of the conversation meant as much as the ritual last part. Relax already.
Most of the times, if I dont know what to say, that is my first line.
And I dont hide the fact that I am embarassed.
Alot of times I just want to say something beautiful so that someone will feel beauty during their grief, but that doesnt happen. If you end up saying that one truly beautiful thing, they will cry more.
So, I usualy just say " I know that most people would try to send their love, or apologize for a loss that isnt theirs. I cant say I know how you feel, but I can say that I am sorry you have to endure it"
and just stop there. Because at that point it is 100% true and sincere
edgarblythe wrote:You just described me, kicky.
Thanks. I'm so happy I'm not alone. There out to be a pill you could take for this, don't you think?
kickycan wrote:edgarblythe wrote:You just described me, kicky.
Thanks. I'm so happy I'm not alone. There out to be a pill you could take for this, don't you think?
This is me, too. It is painful for me and the poor suffering sot. Hideous.
I dunno, I don't like the platitude thing. Must be from years of platitude exposure. I'd prefer a quiet handshake or hug. Or silence and a how're ya doin? It's not all about the person approaching the person in grief (or not grief, which is even more complicated.)
Why the hell did I just spell that word, "out"? It's "ought." I know that. Just so you know.
I think that's the Canadian version...
I wish I had some formula for this, but it doesn't happen. A man I like really well lost his wife last week. I tried to be a comfort, but it didn't work. My helper, on the other hand, launched into a spiel that made him feel a little better.
Ah. I can see that happening.
I see people avoiding others in grief or extreme ill health - not from malice, but just these reasons, re what to say. Just at a time when people might like quiet company or to talk themselves. The deal is to be there, and not just at the Official Gathering. (But also not to be pesky....)
At the times when I've needed a word of comfort and sympathy, it's not the glib, "meaningful" remarks that have touched my heart.
I will never forget the night one friend came over and just sat with me. He didn't say anything, he just sat with me. That spoke volumes.
Or the anonymous box of chocolates left on my front step. 5 pounds, it was. Serious chocolate for serious times.
Or the tears I saw on a friend's face when no words would come.
I don't care if someone says "the right words" or not. Often it's the silent pauses, the clearing of throats, the awkward fumbling that says it all.
It's not what you said or didn't say, Kicky. It's the fact that you called.
That's what they will remember.
That's what counts.
It's at times like these...you need -
The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying - Sogyal Rinpoche
Nothing to do with your post.. a comment about Eva's misspelling of ought, as out...
(I'm a fan of yours, though I think it would be silly for me to be posting, "I agree with Eorl" over and over and over and over.) Haven't read that book.
Maybe I'm going crazy - didn't Eva post about ought and out?
That was a joke, right?
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