A year in the life of the Internet.

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to
die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail
program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and
St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no
eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot
day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward an email to
seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
a man along to watch the car so a serial
killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since
the people who make these products are
atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil
a cup water in the microwave anymore
because it will blow up
in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on
pay phones because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample
and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American troops
or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which
I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that
will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from
Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet
but mine because a big brown African spider
is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice
Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a
better life now because he's told us how to
fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't
ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car
to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my truck because
I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least
47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large
dove with diarrhea will land on your head
at 5:47 PM this afternoon and the fleas
from 47 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....AND

A scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain and
sexual activity read their e-mail
with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now,
it's too late...