Klaatu barada nikto

Well, a lot of times people don't know that I'm deaf. Sometimes they figure it out, sometimes not. When they haven't figured it out and I break it to them, their normal takes a rather big hit.

I think of it in terms of your story because just recently sozlet has come into that more and more. She thinks nothing of it, usually -- sometimes she finds it extremely irritating, sometimes she thinks it's really cool. But her overall take is pretty neutral, like "my mom has long dark hair and glasses and is deaf and is good at making things and..."

So it's been interesting to see people's reactions to HER when she says something before I have or before they've figured it out. Usually their first reaction is "heh yeah right," and look at me for a confirmation that it's a joke. When that isn't forthcoming, the next stage is usually a stricken, "should I pretend I didn't hear that" sort of thing, like when a kid makes a comment about her parents' sex life in public or something. Then I usually step in and say something reassuring, and take it from there.

With kids, they're usually more straightforward and ask a lot of questions. "Can you hear at all? Do you know sign language? How did you become deaf? Did it make you sad?" Etc., etc., etc. They're usually over it by the end of the questions.

I know I've shocked some people on A2K with that one, too, but would have to ask them (you!) what the reactions actually were. I always lose track of who knows and don't want to do the whole explanation thing too often 'cause it's boring to those who DO know, but that means there are always new people who are like WHAT?!

Ah, the socialization of privacy issues hasn't taken hold yet....



Er, ne'er mind about my un normal and normal. Except to say, I am more explicit with folks I have a personal developed level of trust with. I don't remember "strangers on a train stuff" but I can understand confiding in total strangers - who are never to be seen again - more than friendly acquaintances.

Interesting situation y'have there. Boomer. Reassure (however you do it) Mo, and the rest can be an learning experience for other children.
I'm still thinking... since this is not their business... and I can see that this is a time to teach Mo about that too.. not about any kind of embarassment or shame, but privacy, the dignity of privacy, and the dignity of facts.

Soz, I can't remember my first reaction. Probably simple amazement - which would imply I thought a deaf person wouldn't be so entirely competent, which would say something about me and then.

Boomerang- My daughter, whom I adopted at four and a half months and who coincidentally looks an awful lot like both my husband and biological son, had always seemed comfortable with the fact that she'd been adopted and didn't have issues with telling anyone, or for that matter with me telling anyone, until she was about twelve.
We were moving to a new place, and she came to me and said, "Mom, do we have to tell people I'm adopted anymore?" (I had never made it an issue except when it came up incidentally, in conversations, if someone was thinking of adopting, I endorsed it and recounted our positive experience-but because she looked like our biological child, those who didn't know us when we adopted her were always pretty surprised when we told them, and she noted that reaction).
I left it totally up to her, but asked her why in a non-challenging way-I was just curious as to her reasons, I didn't want to assume hers would be the same as mine. She said, "All my friends ask so many questions about my birth mother - and I don't want to talk about it with all of them. I don't think they ever really understand and they always say things that make me think they think she was bad or something".
She also said she just wanted to be "normal" with any new friends she made here. So I've left it up to her who she tells and who she doesn't- because it is her private business and she is the one who deals with all the varied reactions - which can be pretty negative sometimes-there's often not a lot of empathy and understanding for birth mothers among people (and especially children) who haven't had a lot of experience with the adoption process and don't understand all the nuances.
I've slipped and told one mother of one of her friends here- it was out before it even registered that I did it - this woman had asked me how I had liked living in Chicago, and I said I never had, and she said "But that's where Olivia says she was born", and I said, "Oh, we adopted Olivia in Chicago." This woman looked shocked - so I knew it was going to be an issue and I just honestly told her - "Please don't say anything to Rhiannon" (her daughter) and told her why...and I told Olivia that I had slipped and apologized to her, but told her just to be aware that Rhiannon might say something to her.
I think the important thing is to help the child feel that it's not something to be ashamed of - and the fact that they don't want to advertise it is not an indication that they're ashamed-maybe it's just too precious to them to share with anyone and everyone-only with people who are special to them and need to know exactly who they are and how they got that way.
But I also tell her every so often that if she does need someone other than me or her father to talk to about anything - she can choose to do that - and if she needs us to, we'll be happy to find her the appropriate person. So far, she says it's not an issue (she's 14).

It was harder for me than for her when I told her she was adopted. That was one of those "normal becomes different" moments for me. She was about three and saw a picture of me pregnant with my son and asked to see one of me pregnant with her. I'd been told in my adoption information class to tell the child the truth as soon as they asked about it. So I told her. She just looked at me and said something like, "Really?" and started playing again, but it was hard for me to relinquish my place as her one and only mother, and I realized that I had that day. It was a milestone, she now knew she had another mother. But I have really positive feelings about her birth mother, and think it is important to impart those to Olivia , so I got over that kind of possessive, jealous feeling pretty quickly. It will be interesting to see how I feel when/if she wants to meet her biological family. But so far, I'm more interested in that than she is.

*Just a question- anyone who is an adult adoptee who'd be comfortable talking about their feelings or experiences? I'd find it helpful...

I thought this was a thread celebrating the 70's rock band, KLAATU. . .(sorry!)

Dunno if I have anything that quite fits......except, perhaps, losing my sister and then my mother very early.


I didn't think it NORMAL, exactly, but I did find people's reactions kind of difficult...


Mainly in the sense that new people would ask simple, normal questions about my family, and then be aghast at thinking they had done something terrible when I answered....as though they feared I would fall apart, or they had been really intrusive, or, since our culture is so death denying, they just wouldn't cope themselves.


And it happens to me when people ask what I do.....they sort of go quiet, or think you're brave and saintly, or they trot out their hobby horses and/or experiences in an obsessive way.


I know people who lie about what they do for these reasons.


I guess I just sort of handle it.


The death thing is no longer so remarkable, as more people have lost parents and such by my age.

I'm an oddball so most of what I do is not considered normal by others and people comment on it on a regular basis.


As to the adoption matter, I come from a family with a rather large number of adoptions all over the place. It never occurred to me that there was anything different about it until a few years ago when a friend learned that my nephew is adopted. He was surprised I hadn't said anything earlier. Well, since one of my parents was adopted, as were 2 cousins growing up, I never think of adoption as out of the ordinary or as a matter of extra conversation. My nephew is my nephew, case closed.


Many people I have met over the years have thought my upbringing was far from normal, having been shifted back and forth between New York City and Vermont and between my parents and an aunt and uncle. To me it always seemed normal and I never gave it a second thought until other folks started to comment on it being out of the ordinary. Still seems normal to me...a roof was kept over my head and I was always fed and clothed. What more could a child want?

I have a story that I will share later. I'm at work now.

I just thought of another one:

I've always been especially close to a gal I call my cousin but she's actually first cousin once removed, or something -- our moms are "regular" cousins. We're within a few months of each other in age and are both only children. We also were anomalies in our shared maternal family -- it's a very very white family, and we both have dark hair and olive-toned skin (I have brown eyes, she has blue eyes).

We knew that her dad was Argentinian, which accounted for the "exotic" looks. Mine is Sephardic Jewish. Her dad was not in her life at all, though -- she was the product of a fairly brief affair when he was a student at her mom's University, but he then went back to Argentina before she was born, and she never heard from him again. Her mom didn't want to talk about him. None of us knew much about him.

When she grew up, she wanted to find out more about him, and eventually did. Turned out that he's Argentinian but also Jewish. I have no idea why this fact would have such an impact on me, but it did -- something about how we really are parallel in so many ways, really could be sisters. Also, less nobly, that she'd always been vaguely disdainful of Jewish people -- I heard the word "JAP" first from her -- in a "not that you're anything like that" kind of way. You're just as Jewish as I am, cuz!

Of course she's not, in that I was raised by a Jewish dad (by culture if not religion) and knew my very very Jewish paternal family, while she is still meeting hers. Still, it was an interesting moment when I found out.

I was waiting to get Mo off to school this morning before responding because these replies are so interesting and I didn't want a lot of distrations.

Soz, I was thinking of you and sozlette when I posted this question so I was especially glad to see your response.

I think I've told you about my childhood friend whose parents were deaf. I thought they were so cool and she was so bewildered that I thought her family was so neat because I liked to watch them talk to each other. (Plus, they were just neat people.)

I suppose because the internet doesn't rely on voice and hearing my response to learning you were deaf was "cool". I was more surprised by a photo of you - I think I had sub-conciously assigned you a Scandinavian heritage because of my friend and, my Swedish college roomate who was a deaf education major.

Stupid, I know but......

Anyway. I think I can identify with what it is like for sozlette because I knew how it was for my friend. Because it was not a big deal to her, it became not a big deal to me. But when a new kid joined the group - oh lala - she would roll her eyes in a "here we go again" kind of way

I think I was lucky in that I grew up around people who, while maybe not celebrating their differences, always took them in stride and had a good sense of humor about other's curiosity.

My friend's deaf parents.

My one armed uncle who made up hilarious and wonderful stories about how he lost his arm.

My mom's best friend's niece who was a little older than me and who had been terribly burned in a fire as a child. She liked the fact that I wasn't horrified at her scars and she would let me touch her skin. I don't think many people touched her. To this day I still like scars and their stories.

dlowan, I remember as a child thinking that there was something kind of scary about a contemporary who had had a parent or sibling die, or even be seriously ill. I think that must be a terribly difficult position to be in.

If most parents were like mine they were warning "don't mention soandso's mother/father/sibling" so even as kids we would tiptoe on eggshells.

As an adult I've often wondered if that was the right thing to do.

I clearly remember my "normal" turning to "different" the day I learned that my brother was really a half-brother and that his mother had died in childbirth. I was furious and outraged and confused. Not so much because I hadn't been told but because anyone would suggest that my brother was "half" anything (I didn't really understand what it meant) and that someone would use this fact to tease me.

I promptly tried to beat the hell out of the kid. I got in trouble. I had to explain to my parents why I was so mad. I got a full explaination.

<sigh>

I dare anyone to tell me that my brother is not my brother.

aidan, thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm going to tuck it into a little pocket in my head so I'll be ready when we reach those times.

I've had those possisive, jealous feelings too even though I have never had to explain his origins to Mo. He's nearly six and our adoption was just final last month. We still have contact with several members of his bio-family. We have always talked very openly about it.

Yesterday I could clearly see his awarness that our common knowledge was noteworthy to others - much different from the startled reactions he got from strangers when he would announce "I have two mommies!"

Your daughter saying that the questions became tiresome rings so true - I could sense that yesterday. The questions we faced yesterday were HUGE and Mo was clearly confounded by all of them.

There is not a lot of empathy and understanding about birth mothers. I think all of the kids yesterday were really surprised to learn that Mo still has a realationship with his other mother and that I consider her my friend. I think that really rocked their conception of what adoption is.

Like osso says, this is a good opportunity for the other children to learn that there are many kinds of families.

Nodding along to Sturgis' comment about people being surprised and wondering "why they weren't told sooner".

Yep yep yep.

The people who knew us before and during our adoption process all know the story, of course, but it is never really a topic we bring up to new people we meet. (Unless, like yesterday, Mo brings it up.)

When our adoption was final I told Mo's school so that we could get his name change reflected on his paperwork. I have been very surprised at the number of questions and the variety of people I have been questioned by.

Honestly I think a lot of the surprise comes from the fact that Mo does indeed look a lot like us. Anymore people seem to be expected to adopt a child from another country.

I'm not sure how old you are Sturgis, but do you think your "unusal" upbringing would raise eyebrows in this day and age of shared custody?

Swimpy, I'll be waiting.....

, you've heard of them

Joah had the same reaction -- she thought I was blonde, blue-eyed, and peppy slash sporty -- so I wonder if it has something to do with my written "voice"? I did grow up in the land of Ericksons and Larsens, Ingrids and Solveigs, so it could have an influence on how I think/ write. Gotta use "oy vey" more and "uff da" less. ;-)

Slappy's picture totally threw me for a loop, closely followed by "NOW I get it..."

<Grrr, this site is sooo slow today.>

My story is probably not as interesting, but it was about my ordinary world suddenly becoming extraordinary in someone else's eyes.

OK, a little background: Mr. Swimpy and I were married for 22 years and then divorced. We lived apart for one year and then Mr. Swimpy moved back in. That was ten years ago. We never formally remarried, so we are "living in sin." I don't usually tell people that I don't know very well the details of my personal life, but one day a co-worker (who I love BTW) and I were talking and I told her. She thought it was the most bizarre thing. She asked me a million questions from, "Do you celebrate your anniversary?" (We don't.) to "Don't you want to marry each other?" (Eh, whatever.)

I finaly realized that she is really insecure in her own marriage. I suspect she is imagining herself in my situation. i don't think she could deal with it.

Agree with you, swimpy. People deal with the fright of the moment.

Well, I entered school at four, so was five in grade 1. I was there three weeks and was skipped to grade 2 because I could read the grade 2 primer. So I was five in grade 2 (turned 6 in May). I was hopelessly behind in math from Day 1, and the three different schools I went to in grade 3 didn't help much. All in all, I went to 22 schools. Oh, and I have 6 sisters (no brothers) who all went to 22 schools, too.

I don't know that I'd consider all that moving around and changing schools and friends "normal" and this hasn't come up with anyone outside the family, so I don't know what their reaction would be... certainly not that it was normal, I'm sure.

I see it as a handicap of sorts. Except for the sister part - that is great. My mother had 7 daughters in 8 years, poor thing. We 7 have had 14 grandchildren, 11 of whom are girls.

Of the 3 great-grandchildren born to date, all are boys.

And you are so smart, mame, so very smart.

Let me not assume anything about you.