Suri: The New Lindbergh Baby

Everyone relax. I'm not going to harm the kid.

I'm just going to kidnap the **** out of her.




Mission Impossible 4:

The details of the actual kidnapping are still sorting themselves out in my complicated, fascinating mind. Though any suggestions you might have are encouraged. What's really important is this--I will hold the little bitch captive until I receive, from "Tomkat," $700 CASH and half a dozen tacos. No, make that six months of free tacos.

Screw it, free tacos for a year.

Tom must provide me a laminated card that says, in large black letters, "FREE TACOS," which I will then use at any Mexican restaurant in the Chicago area. On the back of the card will be Tom's cell phone number, in case there are questions about the authenticity/value of the card. On the rare occasion I do encounter any resistance, Tom will likely reply, gently but firmly, "For the love of L. Ron, give the guy his freaking tacos. I don't want to lose my kid again, and subsequently be forced to hump my gorgeous girlfriend a second time. Once was bad enough. I mean, it was totally gross!"

Also, Tom must stop making movies.

It would be unwise for him to try anything foolish, like rappeling down the side of my apartment building and kicking the windows in with his feet, shouting, "Motherf---er, hand me my child!"

'Cuz I'll be like, "You had me at motherf---er," and start throwing batteries at him.

Until I run out or ammo, whereupon I'll make my dashing Wilkes Boothesque escape, leaping from the back staircase into the alley, becoming nothing more than the fading sound of Converse on crumbling asphalt.