The truth about my job.

Hello........... I'm Joan Collins.
Now before we go any further, that is completely untrue. I'm not really Joan Collins at all. Be honest though, I had many of you fooled there for a moment, didn't I? That is because, in my job, I am specially trained in the art of telling lies.

No, this is not another party political broadcast.

So, what is it I do?

Well, what I'm about to tell you is of course, incredibly secret. SO secret, that you must read this very carefully, and when you've read it, write it down, memorize it and then eat the paper.

In the secret organization I work for, all identities, for security purposes, have to be kept strictly confidential. For instance, I haven't the faintest idea who I am, nor do I know what my job is. When I drive myself home from work, I have to wear a blindfold so I don't find out where I live.

Even in the bedroom at night, my wife and I have to observe strict security precautions. First of all, we switch out the lights, then I get undressed and approach the bed and my wife will challenge me with the words "Who goes there?".
I then reply with a secret password, which is "A cockeyed, cack-handed Canadian from Connecticut, collecting coffee colored cream cracker crumbs in a crude cracked cocoa cup".

If I get that wrong, I have to sleep on the landing with the cat, a short, white Caucasian cat called Corky with a chronic cough and croup. And if I get that wrong, the cat puts me out all night.

Now this all-pervading secrecy over names could, of course, be very harmful to the normal smooth running of whatever it is we do in our department. So, in order that we have something to call each other, we simply stick pins at random into a phone book. My office name is therefore Slumberland Quilts. But that's just a cover.

Now, when I joined the highly secret organization to which I now belong, I had to, first of all, sign the official secrets act. This means that I agreed to be bound by the articles, which is quite painful, especially when a low quality rope is used..


OFFICIAL SECRETS

I'm sorry to say that in Britain today, we have very few of these left. So, if you've got any secrets you don't need anymore, please send them straight away to me at this address, which, of course, must remain a secret.
Now, one of the most interesting things about my job is the equipment some of us have to use. I have in my hand, for instance, a bottle of invisible ink. Oh dear, it's empty....or is it?

"Now, what about ball-points?", I hear you ask........... Well, we never award them.

"Ok then, what is the best way to bug a telephone?"....... Well, ring it and run away, that usually works.

And, of course, there are also devices for countering bugs. In Britain today, we have now developed a foolproof system for jamming virtually any telephone calls anywhere in the country. It's known as British Telecom.

For female agents, we have developed an innocuous looking bra which, in fact, is cleverly constructed to conceal a tape recorder. Very simple to operate, to record, you press the left nipple area, for rewind, you press the right nipple area, and of course for play, you just take it off altogether.

Now, we have a scrambling device that works in much the same way as the one you put on a phone when you don't want anyone listening to understand what you're saying.
With THIS one though, you can use it when you're actually speaking with someone face to face.

All you do is insert it up your nostril like this.....aaagh!....... then you can go on hearing to your tent's contort so that nobody can underspline a word of stand you are whatting. And if you've had a dong lay at work, you can club out you wiffles to the poor without having leak of any worry or seats on the pork finch........aaagh!.....that's better..... works perfectly.


Now, disguise too is important. A colleague of mine, Sir Catford Public Library, is an absolute wizard in the art of disguise. He specialises in impersonating fruit. You should see his banana.

Well, there you have it in a nutshell..(oh, that's something else he can do).

Now, whatever you do, don't breathe a word of what I've said to anyone, will you........





<Nods to Ronnie B. for such wonderful inspiration>