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Mon 9 Jan, 2006 06:07 am
A guy Ive known of for years had a car crash around new year and sadly,yesterday he died from his injuries.
Ive said hello to him about twice in my life, he was one of those people I dont really 'click' with, but at no point would I ever wish something like this to happen to him.
No mention has been made of the funeral but im in a dilemma as to wether I should go.
What do yuo think?
Maybe go briefly, you need not stay 'til the bitter end, or maybe just afterwards to express your condolences to his family. Even people we don't love have families that loved them, and that need a little comforting.
I was thinking I could go for the funeral but not the wake.
It shouldnt really matter that i didnt know him well, Im there to say, bye, sorry about what happened to you.
It depends what day its on too.If its a weekday there are 3 people at my work who would want to go so it makes sense for me to stay here so the place can still run.
I think that a person should only go to someone's funeral if that person meant something to him/her. I don't believe in doing something for "appearances" sake. You might want to send a card of condolence to the family.
Yep good point, which was my original thought.
I didnt really know him, never sent a christmas card, gave a birthday present etc.
Then again there may be people wondering why Im not there.
I wouldnt do anything for appearances sake.
If I went it would be beacuse I knew of him and I didnt hate him.
But I suppose your right, we wernt best buddies so It wouldnt be necessary for me to be there.
A card is a nice idea.
I have been to many, many funerals. Not everyone that attends a funeral is a bosom buddy of the deceased. Very frequently, many who attend are mere acquaintances who want to show their respect for the departed person.
Funerals are not for those who died. They are dead. They are for the family and loved ones that are left behind. It can bring great comfort to those who are left behind to see the many that attend a funeral for their loved one
I don't think anyone attends a funeral for appearances... they attend out of respect for the person who has died and for their family.
Nicely said Intrepid.
I think Il leave it for now and find out when it is.
Material Girl.....
I heard the story below on National Public Radio a while back......
It really touched me.
Perhaps it'll help you make your decesion....
I believe in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that.
The first time he said it directly to me, I was 16 and trying to get out of going to calling hours for Miss Emerson, my old fifth grade math teacher. I did not want to go. My father was unequivocal. "Dee," he said, "you're going. Always go to the funeral. Do it for the family."
So my dad waited outside while I went in. It was worse than I thought it would be: I was the only kid there. When the condolence line deposited me in front of Miss Emerson's shell-shocked parents, I stammered out, "Sorry about all this," and stalked away. But, for that deeply weird expression of sympathy delivered 20 years ago, Miss Emerson's mother still remembers my name and always says hello with tearing eyes.
That was the first time I went un-chaperoned, but my parents had been taking us kids to funerals and calling hours as a matter of course for years. By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. I remember two things from the funeral circuit: bottomless dishes of free mints and my father saying on the ride home, "You can't come in without going out, kids. Always go to the funeral."
Sounds simple -- when someone dies, get in your car and go to calling hours or the funeral. That, I can do. But I think a personal philosophy of going to funerals means more than that.
"Always go to the funeral" means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.
In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity.
On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.
Why would you go to the funeral of someone that you didn't really know? You said in the beginning that you didn't 'click' with this person. Okay. He was a mere acquaintance, if that. You said that there may be people there wondering why you aren't there. Why? If you didn't really know him, why should you be there? And why would people be concerned about you?
Alot of people go to funerals not out of respect for the dead or even for appearances sake. Even worse, they go for the social activities, the repass, the eats, the possibility of 'meeting someone'. No better than vultures.
I suppose I shouldnt really go.
I didnt make an effort to get to know him in life, its too late now.
Im thinking a card will be sufficient.I am sorry a family has lost their son.
What Phoenix said. :wink:
Nice piece, chai. I don't attend many funerals, but I was touched by it just the same.
Why do you think people will question you about not going, MG? From what you've said so far it doesn't sound like you had much of a relationship with him. I don't see why you should feel you ought to attend the funeral. I agree that a card would be a nice jesture.
Chai Tea wrote:Material Girl.....
I heard the story below on National Public Radio a while back......
It really touched me.
Perhaps it'll help you make your decesion....
I believe in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that.
The first time he said it directly to me, I was 16 and trying to get out of going to calling hours for Miss Emerson, my old fifth grade math teacher. I did not want to go. My father was unequivocal. "Dee," he said, "you're going. Always go to the funeral. Do it for the family."
So my dad waited outside while I went in. It was worse than I thought it would be: I was the only kid there. When the condolence line deposited me in front of Miss Emerson's shell-shocked parents, I stammered out, "Sorry about all this," and stalked away. But, for that deeply weird expression of sympathy delivered 20 years ago, Miss Emerson's mother still remembers my name and always says hello with tearing eyes.
That was the first time I went un-chaperoned, but my parents had been taking us kids to funerals and calling hours as a matter of course for years. By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. I remember two things from the funeral circuit: bottomless dishes of free mints and my father saying on the ride home, "You can't come in without going out, kids. Always go to the funeral."
Sounds simple -- when someone dies, get in your car and go to calling hours or the funeral. That, I can do. But I think a personal philosophy of going to funerals means more than that.
"Always go to the funeral" means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.
In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity.
On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.
While I understanding the underlying message here is that people should show they care and not be so selfish as we are so used to being these days, I find it absolutely horrific that a child should be forced to attend a funeral against their will, in fact anybody having to do so is nothing short of ridiculously cruel.
I myself will never attend the funeral of anyone other than my most immediate family. I have been forced to attend a funeral or two in the past and since I am dreadfully emotional and make a complete show of myself at affairs such as this, I made a conscious decision to refuse until and unless the person whose funeral it was, was so important to me that I WANTED to attend.
Duty and "the right thing" and mannerly behavior may be on the back burner for many but it still doesn't make it a requirement for all situations.
Re: Sad dilemma
material girl wrote:A guy Ive known of for years had a car crash around new year and sadly,yesterday he died from his injuries.
Ive said hello to him about twice in my life, he was one of those people I dont really 'click' with, but at no point would I ever wish something like this to happen to him.
No mention has been made of the funeral but im in a dilemma as to wether I should go.
What do yuo think?
Would you go to the funeral of everyone you've known about, and said hello to twice?
Seems odd to me.
I don't really get going to funerals unless we loved/cared for the person who died or loved/cared for one of their friends/relations, and are showing support to those others.
If I went to the funeral of everyone I've said hello to twice, I'd have to give up my job for sure. I'd be too busy going to funerals and memorials.
A card is a nice idea, especially if the family has any idea who you are.
She was 16. That's hardly a child as far as funerals.
I wasn't forcing MG to go, or not....This piece just really hit home when I heard it.
It was more the tone of the story as the woman read it.
They have a "moments that changed your life" section on this show where people send in their personal stories. If they are chosen to air, the writer gets to read it themselves.
Try to hear it this way....
You could tell the woman reading this story had profound love for her father. He was obviously a major figure in her life that taught her how to live a noble life.
The message I took from it personally was stop thinking about yourself, how you feel about something personally, and do the right thing when the situation warrants. the key words were "do it for the family" It's saying it's not all about you, it's about comforting thoughs who are grieving, and just being there.
How many times in life has someone you know, or a complete stranger, with just a kind look, a word made all the difference in how you were experiencing something.
I think what her father was saying to her was never pass by an opportunity to do a kindness for others.
By pushing yourself past your comfort zone you make yourself a stronger person, more in touch with life, as well as doing no one knows how much good for someone else.
Never assume something tiny act on your part doesn't mean the world to someone else.
No one wants to go to a funeral. Material Girl shouldn't go if makes that decision. I wouldn't think less of her.
Death is sad, the living is there to comfort those who remain.
When I went to my father funereal. The mother of a childhood friend was there...she never liked me, even when I was 8 years old. She walked in, expressed sympathy to my mother, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts. She expressed sympathies to my sister sitting on my left side, passed me, and gave condolences to my cousin on my right side.
She was going for show, to make an appearance. She wasn't there to do the right thing.
A friend of my brothers, who I didn't even recognize and hadn't even seen in 35 years, came up, looked me in the eye, shook my hand, introduced himself and said "I'm so sorry". Then he gave a simple nod and moved on.
I would remember him now if I saw him 35 years from now.
Yes indeed Heeven, you hit the nail right on the head when you said people should show care and not be so selfish as we are used to being these days.
That says it all.
I woke up this morning realising I shouldnt go but if I can get an address to send a card or if friends are having a whip round for flowers Il do that.
A funeral is for the living. If it will make you feel better and give you closure then go. If not, then I wouldn't.
Sending a card to the family saying "I didn't know so and so well, but what I did know about him was ___(you can write something nice you did know about him). I am sorry for your loss and hope that you will find solace and peace in this is very sad time." Or something like that.
Chai,
I was responding more to the piece than your posting of it. I know that you were not forcing Material Girl to do anything. I took the same message from the piece and interpret it exactly as you do, as a good decent thing to do, and at the same time completely disagreeing with it on a personal level. While, for the person in the story, this is 100% right for her, it would be 100% wrong for me.
Material Girl,
You seem comfortable with your decision to send a card and not attend the funeral. Good for you. It is very upsetting to hear that someone you knew has died and I am sure you and your friends will be able to console and talk to each other about it.
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