Getting high in our dreams ~ buying our self worth

Written for a 12 Step group

(...) writes:

"I find a good trick to play on myself when I get the
urge to spend is to make a "wish list" and give it to
someone before Christmas or my birthday. I feel almost
the same "high" writing a list of things I want that I
do actually buying them."

V writes:

The method of writing lists of "dream purchases" to enjoy the high of compulsive spending is one I am most familiar with. I used to keep many "to buy" lists myself. Some went into great detail about how I would outfit my 45 room mansion once I hit the lotto. Why did I need 45 rooms? Because I liked to buy antiques and that was the minimum space requirement I felt I could get along with. My ego demanded BIG and EXPENSIVE, I set out to "buy" my self worth. since there was no real self worth within me. I was stuck in a place of looking for inner fulfillment in outer possessions. In contrast, when someone has "real" self worth you can take away all their possessions, strip them naked and they still possess it - it was not store bought or locked up in some bank vault. Real self worth resides inside the person. Other lists I made were for filling up the many "vacation mansions" I would build around the world. Deep down inside I knew I'd fill up the 45 rooms with "stuff" and needed more space eventually. Isn't that the excuse for all clutterers...their clutter is due to a "lack of space" instead of a lack of accepting and living within their current space? You see, as a byproduct of being a compulsive spending comes clutter, so spenders must account for their output. Then there were lists for my starfleet of exotic cars, motorcycles, boats, jet skis, hovercraft, snowmobiles, ultra-lites, planes and on and on.

The person I quoted above might have used such dream lists quite innocently and in a way that does not give them much of a buzz, but with me lists were an area I abused to help me escape from the present and further my addictions. While such lists might be a good short term method to pacify compulsive spenders, it is only a crutch that we should be working to be free from. Trying to get high from our addiction without paying the price is similar to a binge eater that vomits up the food so not to get fat. Or someone that compulsively shops then returns it to get a refund so they can shop some more with the same money. Or the play shopper that doesn't have the money to shop, so they load up a cart pretend shopping, then leaves it all in the store. Or the person that spends with a seemingly good excuse to buy things for others, but nonetheless compulsively spends. The addiction still controls us and is managing our lives in these examples.

Now you know why I stress a life of Voluntary Simplicity so much. We seldom question if more of a "good thing" is desirable for our supposed happiness in life. The important question, that Voluntary Simplicity helps answer, is the question of what IS enough so we may be happy right now in the present. A life of Voluntary Simplicity focuses our attention on the fact that "everything we own take a little piece ~ peace of us." And in doing so, we can let go of peace and life destroying rituals and possessions and replace them with a contented, satisfied and complete life in the present moment instead of a life that revolves around the next thing to be acquired in hopes of satisfying our insatiable appetites. Greed is never satisfied by attainment - it is only satisfied by contentment. I cannot tell you that I have no unsatisfied demands in my life; but, I will say that since joining the VS movent my unsatisfied demands can now be counted on one hand, whereas in my prior life, I needed 3 ring binders to record them all.

I used my addictions as distractions from living life and dealing with problems and as artificial ways to relieve pain. I've abused these pain relievers so that now they are pain generators in my life. Isn't it much easier to fantasize about something else than stay in the hear and now? Compulsive spending provided much fantasy for me to escape life. I try and catch myself when I practice this escapism and work to bring my thoughts back to the present. Whenever the fantasy starts I check to see what I am escaping from? Why do I fixate on something else instead of where I'm at? Such a fantasy life is not limited to compulsive spenders. Escaping the present through our addictions is a common thread with all addictions. I discussed this in my earlier post called "The 7 Benefits We Derive From Our Addictions." Here is a good description with what goes on in the head of many an addict.

"The dream world of a compulsive gambler." Excerpt From: Gamblers Anonymous pamphlet.

A lot of time is spent creating images of great and wonderful things they
are going to do as soon as they make "the big win." They often see
themselves as quite philanthropic and charming people. They may dream of
providing families and friends with new cars, mink coats and other
luxuries. Compulsive gamblers picture themselves leading a pleasant,
gracious life, made possible by the huge sums of money they will accrue
from their "system". Servants, penthouses, nice clothes, charming
friends, yachts and world tours are a few of the wonderful things that
are just around the corner after a big win is finally made.

Pathetically, however, there never seems to be a big enough winning to
make even the smallest dream come true. When compulsive gamblers succeed,
they gamble to dream still greater dreams. When failing, they gamble in
reckless desperation and the depths of their misery are fathomless as
their dream world comes crashing down. Sadly, they will struggle back,
dream more dreams and of course suffer more misery. No one can convince
them that their great schemes will not come true. They believe they will,
for without this dream world, life for them would not be tolerable.

Accepting Step 1 is the foundation to finding recovery. I see many addicts in different recovery areas wanting recovery but still not accepting powerlessness over the addiction. One recent example comes to mind. On a Debtors Anonymous list a person writes in:

"I'd rather accumulate more debt than have my cell phone shut off. I need to change my thinking."

This is how it is with many addicts. A refusal to live within their comfortable means and a refusal to accept and practice Step 1. We are still playing god with debt, alcohol, food, drugs, gambling, sex, clutter, etc. The turning point with step 1 is when we would rather "accumulate recovery" instead of accumulate more addiction, then we have turned the corner. It is so easy to live outside our means and "charge it" to some later day. We start small and end up big...in big debts.

Part of the problem is that the right choices might be distasteful to our ego, so we go with what the ego likes instead of what our recovery program likes. I discus this in my earlier post "If it doesn't fit you must acquit." If we stop to think about it we have been getting what WE like all along - so we had also be happy with where it has gotten us? And if we are not happy then it is time to try something different. Other times we have not hit a low enough bottom to wake us up with a jolt of pain. Many of us let our mouth or brain dictate our tastes to us, but as it has tuned out these tastes have hurt us in the long run. Yes, as this cell phone debtor pointed out we need to change our thinking to be successful with addiction recovery. We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking that we used when we created them. One thing about being powerless? We are only powerless when we have no recovery program and our addiction works us on its terms. Once we have recovery program, we have the power to work the addiction on the programs terms and the addiction can stop working us on its terms.

There are many tools at our disposal to help give us new lives. Working ALL 12 steps of the program helps one to repair the damage and wreckage of the past. Learning to live balanced lives is important if you want to find a release from being under the addictions thumb. Writing to online support groups and doing personal inventory is another useful recovery tool. Find some pastimes that are pleasurable for you, sustainable and healthy but do not revolve around practicing your addiction. Sport or movement related activities fill a large part of my life now to replace the old addictions. I discussed this earlier in my post "Positive Pastimes" My Buddhist practice reminds me to stay in the present with mindfulness and also brings my awareness of how a life dedicated to cravings, attachments and desires can generate pain and destroy my peace. Another benefit of my Buddhist practice is it reminds me that a constantly busy mind cannot heal itself. As such, I practice meditation on nothingness to give my brain a rest. In the old days, there was no rest, as my mind was always occupied with what to buy next or what to get drugged up with next. Developing a program of Acceptance and most important a real feeling of Gratitude "just to be" relieves a lot of these needs for more. Such gratitude focuses our attention on what we have instead of the never ending list of what we want. To sum it all up - I now get my "high" from being at peace, living a balanced and sustainable life, being present in the now and enjoying many healthy sport and movent related activities rather than my old life of sickness through turning to my addictions.


Good Luck,