Stepdaughter still living at our home no desire to have her own life.

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I have been married to my husband over 18 years. He has 3 kids, in their 20s. The two older ones are living on their own, but the youngest one, (22 years) still lives at our home. She doesn't work nor has the desire to find a job because she claims that she doesn't like working around people, and wants to work only from home. She doesn't go to college because "well, why I don't have interests and I don't know what I want to do" - her words. Every time I start a conversation with her about it, she shuts down and doesn't talk to me for weeks. Her dad doesn't talk to her because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. I am at a loss. She doesn't do anything around the house- not that I expect her to because I like doing things my way anyway. I wonder how I can approach this with my husband- who basically gets very angry with me when I ask him if he is planning on doing anything about it. She doesn't pay any bills here, and when we asked her last year, she threw a big fit and wasn't talking to us for weeks. I want her out of here obviously, her sister doesn't want to do anything with her because they know she is lazy and won't contribute to paying her share. Her biological mom is in Canada- and doesn't have much to do with her. The problem I see is my husband who should be strict and say to her "listen if you won't get a job you are not welcome her" - end of story, instead he is enabling her which drives be absolutely crazy! Help!

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@theolderiamgetting,

It sounds like some kind of unaddressed mental health issue that's inflicting your daughter. Something she's reluctant to bring to you as you seem ... particularly unreceptive and perhaps even hostile. How is her relationship with her father (outside of his stubbornness to address anything that might upset his daughter)? Maybe you should give your husband some kind of ultimatum regarding getting his daughter into therapy to find out what's holding her back.

Calling her lazy is NEVER going to help. And I can see why she very likely doesn't trust you. The fact you've been married to your current partner for 18 years and you're still using the conditional derogatory "step" as in stepdaughter?? You're coming off as the evil stepmother from Disney. And not the good campy kind.

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@theolderiamgetting,

I have a different take than Tsar's. Maybe she does have mental issues, maybe not. You've been raising her since she was 4 years old? What was she like growing up? What kind of relationship do you and your husband have with her?

It's not about being strict - it's about you and your husband being on the same page. You need to broach the subject of expectations with your husband in a non-accusatory and non-aggressive manner and agree to some house rules. She needs to be a participating and contributing member of the household or find someone else to live off. Your husband is enabling this unhealthy behaviour.

Ask your husband how long you two are willing to 'support' her in this lifestyle - until you both die? Ask him why she shouldn't be expected to do some chores and pay for some of her keep. If she wasn't his daughter, would he enable anyone else this way?

Try to have an open conversation with him - go out for dinner or coffee and have an amiable chat. It's obviously affecting you in a negative way so you need to get to the heart of the matter. One way or another, you need to set some boundaries for yourself. I can imagine how irritating it must be for you.

Best of luck. Let us know what happens.

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@theolderiamgetting,

Why in the world would she leave?

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@theolderiamgetting,

Work with her goals. invest in her, and actually help on her journey.
Work with her and not against her.

Right now you just said "my step daughter is a lazy $#@$@# get her out of my sight"

Maybe set her up with a guy or something. Talk about dating and life. Honestly things like that happen in life.

...............

If you talk about work life? Your setting her up for annihilation. She literally is being setup for failure and she knows it.

If my cousin who had babies at 16 and 18 from two different daddies could go into shelter system and get her license to even housing. What excuse you have to not fund your daughter, and actually work with her and not against her?

You do not want her to murder you guys, burn the house down, and commit suicide or anything even worst then that. Literally setting yourselves up for that instance.

God almighty your literally telling her "Just make money you have no purpose but that or push out babies for somebody who is abusive". There is no common ground.

There is no common ground.

A. Work with her, fund her, be her team-mate and cheer partner.

or

B. Throw her out of the house and pray she does not go on a psychotic rampage.

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Stepdaughter still living at our home no desire to have her own life.

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