Sexual Identity

for a really long time i have struggled with my exact sexuality. and i mean, like, a REALLY long time.

i know i am queer, i've known this since i was 8. but it's the exact labelling of it that i've always struggled with. i'm sure for a while and then i'm not.

at first i identified as a lesbian, and then bisexual, then pansexual, then a lesbian again, bisexual, omnisexual, and most recently: just queer. it's an umbrella term and there's not a specific category you have to fit into to be queer, just not straight. it was the easiest for me to identify as because it's that simple.

though i identify as queer i also am unsure if i've ever felt romantic attraction. i identified as aromantic for a short time but i stopped because of internalised hate towards the label on myself and now i'm just.. stuck. i'm autistic, so maybe this affects my sexuality in some way? my ability to feel romantic attraction? i don't know. when i search for answers on what it feels like, i feel like none apply to me because it all sounds so unrealistic and made up, like something out of a fairytale. i wish it was easier explained.

for about 2 months now i've thought i might be a lesbian, after all thats what i identified with at first, but i'm not sure if i can be. i know comphet exists and a lot of my feelings can be applied to that, but im not sure if thats actually what's going on. it makes it harder because i dont actually have people that i interact with irl, i only have one online friend. i dont have that source most people do for figuring out their feelings like this. i only have people online and celebrities.

there are two celebrities that i'm attracted to, that i daydream about and such. they're two male actors. im attracted to both them and of course the characters they play in turn. so i think, i can't possibly be a lesbian, if im fantasising about them in the way i do because a lesbian wouldnt do that. but when i take a step back i realise that it's not actually "me" that im implementing into these fantasies i have but it's rather a character i make up, like an idealised version of myself but also so far removed from me as a person. i mean, like, completely different name and personality. different upbringing, background, country. it's not me. i can't actually imagine myself in a relationship with these two men and i guess it makes sense because i am 17 lol and they are adults but imagining myself as an adult with them makes me feel awkward and almost embarrassed. imagining an adult version of myself with the characters they portray feels awkward. its actually difficult for me to even do it. for a while i thought this was just because im very deeply insecure but i'm not so sure about that anymore.

i like to read and write fanfiction about the characters. it's obviously m/f because i have a fem body and appearance and so does the version of myself i envision when i think about these characters. i think, if i enjoy m/f fiction, where it's written from a 3rd person pov (there is no set name of the reader insert but rather is described as "you"), how can i possibly not be attracted to men? when i think they are genuinely attractive and am attracted to them in both ways, how could i be a lesbian?

i don't think i'd date a man in real life, if i'm honest. i have an idealised version of men in my head and the men i'd date if i had to, but i know most don't behave that way and i think thats what puts me off. i do realistically feel much more comfortable and safe at the prospect of dating a woman or another nonbinary person.

i dont want to get too nsfw but when it comes to thinking about sex (i've never had it as mentioned before i have no irl connections) again i dont even think about myself in those situations. sometimes i do, sure, but its pretty rare. i havent ventured too far into lesbian stuff mostly because its all made for straight guys so that makes it pretty difficult to help figure out if im sexually into that. i know het stuff works for me though. i dont penetrate myself because i find it quite uncomfortable if im honest, and it doesn't actually feel that good for me when i do it. but i haven't really explored it much, i dont think im its biggest fan either way. the idea of actually having sex with a guy is sort of daunting and almost scary in a way. thinking about it with a woman is also daunting, but not scary. and i've considered the prospect of trans women pre surgery, and that doesnt "scare" me either. amab nonbinary people dont either. all of this doesnt really help with my confusion because i can watch the porn and enjoy it but actually doing it feels like a whole different story.

all of my past partners that i had, and i mean ALL, were afab and then came out as transmen. one of them had come out to me as we were still together and i didnt mind at all, i still dated him. but to be fair these were all online because like i said i have no irl connections and havent for at least a couple years now. so i don't even actually know if i was attracted to them. im sure i was, at some level. one of them is still my friend now and i get jealous over his friendship with another guy, so i also use that logic to battle the possibility of being a lesbian because to me this must be a romantic jealousy but i don't even think thats true.

i know i dont have to have it all figured out by now but its frustrating. its been YEARS of me flipflopping between sexualities and labels and i feel like its never going to end. i feel almost scared to realise i could be a lesbian because.. i dont even KNOW why. it just feels scary. i dont know if its the feeling of being invalidated because there are two male actors i like, multiple fictional male characters i like or what. i dont know if its the fear of being fetishised by straight men. i dont know what the fear is of or where it comes from. i was able to come to terms with my nonbinary gender identity easier and almost INSTANTLY compared to every sexuality i've identified with.

i'm sorry for how long this is or if anything doesnt make sense, i have a tendency to ramble and sometimes my words just string together incoherently. ive been holding this in for a while too and have no one else to really talk to about it so i came here to just get it off my chest and hopefully seek some help or something.